Everything Is Illuminated
I will be truthful and mention
that before our rigid search...
...I had the opinion Jewish people
were having sh*t between their brains.
Primarily, this is because all I knew
of Jewish people...
...was that they paid Father
very much currency...
...in order to make vacations
from America to Ukraine.
I was of the opinion
that the past is past...
...and like all that is not now,
...along the side of our memories.
But this was before the commencement
of our very rigid search.
Before I encountered the collector...
...Jonathan Safran Foer.
Your grandfather wanted you
to have this...
...for your collection.
Who is Augustine?
Grandma?
Where did you get that hat?
Alex gave it to me.
Take it off.
Why?
Because l told you to, that's why.
Who asked you to speak?
Did l ask you to speak?
Did Mama ask you to speak?
Did Grandfather ask you to speak?
SHUT UP!
Don't talk to her like that!
Papa, l already have one son
walking around Odessa...
...looking like a raving lunatic.
l don't need another.
But Papa....
My legal name is Alexander Perchov,
but all of my friends dub me Alex...
...because this is much more flaccid
to utter.
That is Father retrieving his fist
from the right side of my face.
Father is a first-rate puncher.
This is my miniature brother, Igor.
I am tutoring him to be a man
of this world.
For an example, I exhibited him
a smutty magazine three days yore.
Why is it called sixty-nine?
I explain it to him that this is
because it was invented in the year 1 969.
I know this because my friend Grisha knows
a friend of the nephew of the inventor.
What did people do before 1 969?
He is a genius, my miniature brother.
He will be made a VIP
if I have a thing to do with it.
This is Grandfather. Like my father
and myself, he too is dubbed Alex.
My grandmother, Anna, died two years
before of a cancer in her brain.
Precluding this,
Grandfather became very melancholy...
...and also, he says, blind.
His most recent employment
was Heritage Tours...
...a business he started in 1 950s...
...mostly for aiding rich Jewish people
to search for their dead families.
It is a strange employment
for Grandfather...
...as there is nothing he hates more than
rich Jewish people or their dead families.
She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye b*tch.
Father purchased her for him not
because he believes Grandfather is blind...
...but because a Seeing Eye b*tch
is also a good thing...
...for people who pine for
the opposite of loneliness.
In truth,
Father did not purchase her at all...
from the home for forgetful dogs.
Because of this,
she is not a real Seeing Eye b*tch...
...and is also mentally deranged.
Most of all, she relishes when I sing to her
her most beloved song...
... ""Billie Jean "" by Michael Jackson.
But now I must tell you more of myself.
I am unequivocally tall. I do not know
any women who are taller than me.
The women who are taller than me
are lesbians...
...for whom 1 969
was a very momentous year.
For me, America is a first-rate place.
KANGOL!!
Most of all, I am beloved
of American movies, muscular cars...
...and hip-hop music.
I also dig Negroes.
Most of all, Michael Jackson.
He is a first-rate dancer, just like me.
Many girls want to be carnal with me
because I'm such a premium dancer.
You're taking a Jew
to Lutsk this weekend.
-l can't, l have plans.
-What plans?
With Grisha at Club Zephyr.
Well, now you're taking
a Jew to Lutsk.
But we have VlP passes.
Papa, l need you to drive them.
Go to hell!
l'm not driving anyone.
Papa,
they are paying $ 1 200 American.
l don't care. l'm retired.
No more dead Jews.
Papa, you drive him to this place...
...show him everyone is dead
and you come home.
lt will be so simple.
He's looking for a woman
who saved his grandfather from the Nazis.
Trust me,
there is no one there anymore.
She is from someplace called...
...Trachimbrod.
lt's near Lutsk.
They said he has a map.
His name is Jonathan S. Foer.
He is a writer.
about the place.
Okay, l'll go.
But Sammy goes too.
Papa, please,
you know that is impossible.
She's demented!
You listen to me.
l'm supposed to be retired.
l am not supposed to
be dragging rich Jews...
...all over the goddamn country.
l'm blind. BLlND!
Understand?
My b*tch is my eyes.
l'm not going anywhere without her.
Papa, l'm not saying
that l don't believe you're blind...
...but the American could have
a problem with this.
No b*tch, no driver.
We could make a uniform for her...
...to make her seem more official.
Are you Jonfen?
What?
Jonfen. Are you Jonfen?
lt's Jonathan.
What?
My name. lt's Jonathan.
Jonfen.
Are you my translator?
Yes, l'm Alexander Perchov.
l'll be your humble translator.
l implore you to forgive my speaking
of English, Jonfen...
...as l'm not so premium with it.
My name is Jonathan.
This is our driver.
He is an expert at driving.
-ls he all right?
-What?
l mean, you know, is he healthy?
Of course. He's my grandfather.
Please, do not be distressed.
This is only driver's Seeing Eye b*tch.
Okay, she's deranged, but so, so playful.
Wait, he's blind?
No, only he thinks this.
Please, do not be distressed.
Grandfather!
Grandfather, l've got Jonfen.
We should go to Lutsk.
Yes?
Are you sure he's okay?
-Grandfather!
-Shut up!
l'm blind, not deaf.
What does he say?
He says, ''Okey-dokey, we will go now.''
-Where will the dog be?
-What do you mean?
l have a phobia.
A fear.
l'm distressed by dogs.
He is afraid of dogs.
Bullshit,
no one is afraid of dogs.
Grandfather informs me
this is not possible.
What?
Get in the car.
The b*tch and the Jew
will share the back seat.
lt is big enough for both of them.
No, wait. Wait.
You don't understand.
l have a very serious, serious problem
with dogs.
l can't sit in there. You--
Were you able to manufacture the:
-What?
-The Z's.
Were you able to make the:
-l don't understand.
-Repose.
Did you repose?
Yeah, l reposed.
is also in repose.
-Why do you call her that?
-What?
Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.
was Grandfather's most beloved singer.
You know, The Candy Man.
The Negro from the Rat Pack.
-And a Jew.
-What?
Yeah, he was a Jew.
You didn't know that?
Grandfather, the Jew says that
Sammy Davis Jr. is Jewish.
The b*tch?
Not Jr. Jr., Jr. the singer.
That's bullshit!
Grandfather informs me
that this is not possible.
Of course it is. He converted. He's the most
famous black Jew in America.
-Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?
-Who?
-Shaquille O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.
-No.
-And Michael Jackson?
-No, definitely not a Jew.
Father informs me you are writing a book
about this trip. You are a writer?
No.
Then what is this?
lt's a catalog.
Catalog.
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"Everything Is Illuminated" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/everything_is_illuminated_7808>.
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