Everything Is Illuminated

I will be truthful and mention

that before our rigid search...

...I had the opinion Jewish people

were having sh*t between their brains.

Primarily, this is because all I knew

of Jewish people...

...was that they paid Father

very much currency...

...in order to make vacations

from America to Ukraine.

I was of the opinion

that the past is past...

...and like all that is not now,

it should remain buried...

...along the side of our memories.

But this was before the commencement

of our very rigid search.

Before I encountered the collector...

...Jonathan Safran Foer.

Your grandfather wanted you

to have this...

...for your collection.

Who is Augustine?

Grandma?

Where did you get that hat?

Alex gave it to me.

Take it off.

Why?

Because l told you to, that's why.

l think he looks cool.

Who asked you to speak?

Did l ask you to speak?

Did Mama ask you to speak?

Did Grandfather ask you to speak?

SHUT UP!

Don't talk to her like that!

Papa, l already have one son

walking around Odessa...

...looking like a raving lunatic.

l don't need another.

But Papa....

My legal name is Alexander Perchov,

but all of my friends dub me Alex...

...because this is much more flaccid

to utter.

That is Father retrieving his fist

from the right side of my face.

Father is a first-rate puncher.

This is my miniature brother, Igor.

I am tutoring him to be a man

of this world.

For an example, I exhibited him

a smutty magazine three days yore.

Why is it called sixty-nine?

I explain it to him that this is

because it was invented in the year 1 969.

I know this because my friend Grisha knows

a friend of the nephew of the inventor.

What did people do before 1 969?

He is a genius, my miniature brother.

He will be made a VIP

if I have a thing to do with it.

This is Grandfather. Like my father

and myself, he too is dubbed Alex.

My grandmother, Anna, died two years

before of a cancer in her brain.

Precluding this,

Grandfather became very melancholy...

...and also, he says, blind.

His most recent employment

was Heritage Tours...

...a business he started in 1 950s...

...mostly for aiding rich Jewish people

to search for their dead families.

It is a strange employment

for Grandfather...

...as there is nothing he hates more than

rich Jewish people or their dead families.

This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.

She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye b*tch.

Father purchased her for him not

because he believes Grandfather is blind...

...but because a Seeing Eye b*tch

is also a good thing...

...for people who pine for

the opposite of loneliness.

In truth,

Father did not purchase her at all...

...but merely retrieved her

from the home for forgetful dogs.

Because of this,

she is not a real Seeing Eye b*tch...

...and is also mentally deranged.

Most of all, she relishes when I sing to her

her most beloved song...

... ""Billie Jean "" by Michael Jackson.

But now I must tell you more of myself.

I am unequivocally tall. I do not know

any women who are taller than me.

The women who are taller than me

are lesbians...

...for whom 1 969

was a very momentous year.

For me, America is a first-rate place.

KANGOL!!

Most of all, I am beloved

of American movies, muscular cars...

...and hip-hop music.

I also dig Negroes.

Most of all, Michael Jackson.

He is a first-rate dancer, just like me.

Many girls want to be carnal with me

because I'm such a premium dancer.

You're taking a Jew

to Lutsk this weekend.

-l can't, l have plans.

-What plans?

With Grisha at Club Zephyr.

Well, now you're taking

a Jew to Lutsk.

But we have VlP passes.

Papa, l need you to drive them.

Go to hell!

l'm not driving anyone.

Papa,

they are paying $ 1 200 American.

l don't care. l'm retired.

No more dead Jews.

Papa, you drive him to this place...

...show him everyone is dead

and you come home.

lt will be so simple.

He's looking for a woman

who saved his grandfather from the Nazis.

Trust me,

there is no one there anymore.

She is from someplace called...

...Trachimbrod.

lt's near Lutsk.

They said he has a map.

His name is Jonathan S. Foer.

He is a writer.

He wants to write a book

about the place.

Okay, l'll go.

But Sammy goes too.

Papa, please,

you know that is impossible.

She's demented!

You listen to me.

l'm supposed to be retired.

l am not supposed to

be dragging rich Jews...

...all over the goddamn country.

l'm blind. BLlND!

Understand?

My b*tch is my eyes.

l'm not going anywhere without her.

Papa, l'm not saying

that l don't believe you're blind...

...but the American could have

a problem with this.

No b*tch, no driver.

We could make a uniform for her...

...to make her seem more official.

Are you Jonfen?

What?

Jonfen. Are you Jonfen?

lt's Jonathan.

What?

My name. lt's Jonathan.

Jonfen.

Are you my translator?

Yes, l'm Alexander Perchov.

l'll be your humble translator.

l implore you to forgive my speaking

of English, Jonfen...

...as l'm not so premium with it.

My name is Jonathan.

This is our driver.

He is an expert at driving.

-ls he all right?

-What?

l mean, you know, is he healthy?

Of course. He's my grandfather.

Please, do not be distressed.

This is only driver's Seeing Eye b*tch.

Okay, she's deranged, but so, so playful.

Wait, he's blind?

No, only he thinks this.

Please, do not be distressed.

Grandfather!

Grandfather, l've got Jonfen.

We should go to Lutsk.

Yes?

Are you sure he's okay?

-Grandfather!

-Shut up!

l'm blind, not deaf.

l heard you the first time!

What does he say?

He says, ''Okey-dokey, we will go now.''

-Where will the dog be?

-What do you mean?

l have a phobia.

A fear.

l'm distressed by dogs.

He is afraid of dogs.

Bullshit,

no one is afraid of dogs.

Grandfather informs me

this is not possible.

What?

Get in the car.

The b*tch and the Jew

will share the back seat.

lt is big enough for both of them.

No, wait. Wait.

You don't understand.

l have a very serious, serious problem

with dogs.

l can't sit in there. You--

Were you able to manufacture the:

-What?

-The Z's.

Were you able to make the:

-l don't understand.

-Repose.

Did you repose?

Yeah, l reposed.

Good. Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.

is also in repose.

-Why do you call her that?

-What?

Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.

Because Sammy Davis Jr.

was Grandfather's most beloved singer.

You know, The Candy Man.

The Negro from the Rat Pack.

-And a Jew.

-What?

Yeah, he was a Jew.

You didn't know that?

Grandfather, the Jew says that

Sammy Davis Jr. is Jewish.

The b*tch?

Not Jr. Jr., Jr. the singer.

That's bullshit!

Grandfather informs me

that this is not possible.

Of course it is. He converted. He's the most

famous black Jew in America.

-Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?

-Who?

-Shaquille O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.

-No.

-And Michael Jackson?

-No, definitely not a Jew.

Father informs me you are writing a book

about this trip. You are a writer?

No.

Then what is this?

lt's a catalog.

Catalog.

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