Ex-Girlfriends Page #4

That's why we broke up.

Bad timing, I guess.

You think?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I, um...

You probably have plans and...

No, no.

Well, I mean, I'm meeting some friends,

but not until later.

Well, I'm a little bit of a disaster right now.

So...

I think I should go and deal with this,

and then you can meet your friends,

- No. Wait.

- and...

Are you gonna call him right now?

No.

Okay.

Okay, then stay with me

and we'll wait until Kate calls back.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay!

I think I should probably call him.

No.

Don't call him right now.

He'll just try and confuse you.

You need all the facts

before he...

spins his all story into something crazy.

He's a manipulator.

How are you gonna call someone

on this?

Look at this phone.

Who are you calling,

Zack Morris?

Oh, you're right.

Um...

I'll just wait...

to hear from Kate.

But it's not like it's a misunderstanding

or a coincidence.

He's obviously lying to me,

and...

I can't trust him,

and I have to end it.

I mean...

It just makes me really angry,

because...

I'm sorry.

You don't really need to be

dealing with this.

No.

No, seriously. I'm...

I'm here for you.

Do you want another?

Okay.

You can't get caught up in the

middle of this.

It's not your place.

It's something they need to

sort out.

The messenger always gets killed

in this kind of situation.

You need to be...

be the neutral territory that she comes to

when this is all sorted out.

You need to be Switzerland.

Yes, you're Switzerland.

You don't need to keep hanging out with me.

I know you have plans with your friends

and everything.

No, no.

I mean, I...

I wanna...

be here with you.

Has Kate called you yet?

No.

No, she hasn't called yet.

You know, it's kind of perfect that

you're the person here with me right now,

'cause I think you're the only guy

who's never lied to me.

Sure. Of course.

This means that things are over with

you and Tom, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I can't...

I can't be with him after this.

You know what?

You should come with me.

You should come with me to meet my friends.

No, I'd don't think I'd be that fun

right now.

You need to forget about this

for a little bit.

We'll wait for Kate to call back,

but in the meantime,

just get your mind off this for

a little bit.

I think we need another drink, though.

Well, what I'm saying is...

where is the line between fiction

and nonfiction?

Uh, one is based in reality.

One is not.

What is reality?

Are we really talking about

this again?

Yes, we're talking about it.

He said it was an autobiography.

then he went on television,

said, "everything in here is true."

And then he had to go back and

apologize for lying,

which makes it not an autobiography.

You realize that if you add up all the lies,

most autobiographies add up to being fiction anyway?

Then why not call it "fiction"?

There's plenty of writers who

write about themselves,

but they don't claim it to be true.

They fictionalize it.

Okay, but it's much more effective...

But it's not true!

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ok, what if the lie you're telling is, like,

actually helping people?

What the hell are you talking about?

The noble lie.

The noble lie. Yes!

- See, he knows what I'm talking about.

- Be right back.

But you're not a noble man.

Look what you did.

You scared away the girl.

You happy?

She's beautiful.

She is hot, yes.

Are you texting him?

No, he...

he's gonna be suspicious.

I haven't written him back all day, so...

Just don't talk to him right now.

It's a terrible time.

Just...

just talk to him later.

Okay?

Yeah.

- You're right.

- I'll hold on to this

- so you don't call him, okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

We'll just wait.

We'll wait for Kate to call back, okay?

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Of course.

Do you uh...

do you want a drink?

All right. I'll be right back.

Okay.

It's...

it's taken me this long to...

to get it all down on paper,

but it was in my head in fifth grade.

Hey.

What's going on?

Why are you asking me about Tom?

Yeah. No. I think...

Tom is going out with this...

this other girl, Laura.

What?

Are you still going out with this guy?

What the hell?

I mean, I don't know.

That's what it sounds like.

But, I mean, I don't know. No.

I think everything is totally fine,

because they're definitely

not together anymore.

I don't know.

I got to go.

I finished my first novel.

It... came out last year.

Do you read the New York Times?

It was reviewed in the New York Times.

You didn't read that review?

It was there.

Herbert?

Herbert? No.

You didn't...

Really?

Did you bring me here on

purpose?

What do you mean?

Wait, you forgot?

Right over there.

Here?

No, I think it was here.

I have it.

Okay.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Um...

I should probably go home and

deal with this.

But, um...

maybe another time?

Yeah.

You did the right thing.

She'll break up with him,

and then you'll get a drink,

or a coffee.

Nothing wrong with coffee.

Just let things sort themselves out.

Don't write her an e-mail.

Maybe just a short one.

"Good to see you tonight."

No.

Terrible idea. Definitely not.

Turn off the phone.

That's the only way.

Hello?

It's me. Open up.

Why do you 've so many stairs?

Hey.

What's up?

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

You didn't answer your phone.

Yeah. I don't...

I don't know.

Really? I'm sleeping.

Yeah?

Not gonna answer your phone

in the middle of a crisis?

You didn't answer your phone yesterday

when I called you.

Interesting. I'm a grad student.

I have classes.

I don't have to answer my phone.

So you came down from New Haven just to talk about this Tom thing?

That's the interesting thing,

because I was gonna come down anyway,

because today's Tom's birthday.

But I had a big exam,

so I wasn't gonna be able to make it.

Tom said he would come up to New Haven

to celebrate with me on Sunday.

But I was able to reschedule my exam,

so I was gonna come down and

surprise him.

but it's a good thing that I didn't,

because he would've been boning

that girl Laura.

Really?

He was trying to keep me up there so he could celebrate with her today,

celebrate with me tomorrow.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm crashing here, by the way.

You were just gonna come down here and

not tell me about that?

What do you mean?

I mean, you just kind of show up and,

you know,

make plans with me if other stuff

falls through.

I mean, maybe you could just call and

make a plan for once

instead of showing up and saying,

"Hey, let's go get a bagel."

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But I'm the one that's getting cheated on here.

When do I get some sympathy?

I didn't even know you were still going out

with this guy.

I'm trying to!

Well, great!

I don't even know why you're

shouting at me!

Why don't you buy me a bagel and

say you're sorry?

Then you can follow that up with an apology for not wearing any pants around me.

So, I asked him about it last night,

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