Ex-Girlfriends Page #5

and he said that this is some girl

from his past that's still hung up on him.

She wants to get back together,

and he's trynna get out of it.

This guy's such a liar.

Yeah, I know.

So, that's it.

They're over, right?

No.

'cause this morning, he called me

and said things are more complicated

than he thought with Laura

and he needs to sort stuff out,

so he broke up with me.

Wait.

He broke up with you to be with her?

Yeah.

But she's not gonna get back

together with him.

Yeah.

Why would she do that?

I don't know.

Didn't you tell her everything

from last night?

Not everything.

I just assumed...

- that was enough!

- Why didn't you tell her?

Because it was a noble lie,

she didn't need to know all of it.

I just thought that she was done

with him already,

and I wanted her to...

let her...

You were putting the moves on her.

No. Of course not.

I was trynna be supportive.

I didn't wanna be the bearer

of bad news.

In retrospect, it was a bad idea.

So, he told you that he was back

together with her?

Yes.

Makes me so mad he's just gonna

get away with it.

We need to tell her what's really going on and save her from getting hurt by him again.

What about me?

What about you?

I'm being cheated on, too.

Yeah, but, I mean, you know

you're getting cheated on.

She's a poor, innocent, you know...

But he broke up with me,

and that's not fair.

I don't get broken up with.

I'm the one that does the breaking up.

We have to tell her.

It makes me so mad that he's

just gonna get away with this.

Can we let him get away with this?

No.

We gotta do something

about it.

Yeah.

She should know.

Right.

Okay.

What do we do?

Call her.

I don't have her phone number.

What?

What do you mean? I thought you

hung out with her last night.

No, I just ran into her, but...

I'd erased her phone number

back when we broke up

'cause I didn't want to send her any

weird drunk texts,

and now I didn't wanna ask her

at the party,

'cause it would've been embarrassing to tell her that I'd erased her phone number,

so I only have her e-mail.

You've some really serious issues.

I know.

Well, let's e-mail her.

Okay.

"Dear Laura".

No. Too formal.

"Hey, Laura", Too casual.

"Laura",

"good to see you yesterday."

"Hope you're doing... better?"

Whatever. Okay.

"Kate got back to me this morning."

"She says she's been dating Tom

for months."

"So basically, I just think he's

probably still lying."

"Anyway, I don't want to get

in the middle of anything,"

"but I thought you should know."

"So,"

"maybe we can hang out

some time again."

"It was really nice to see you."

"Sincerely, Graham."

Well, don't say "sincerely" at the end.

Yeah, you're right.

Take that out.

In fact, you should lose this whole last sentence.

"I hope this wasn't too upsetting.

Maybe we should get a drink

some time."

You just destroyed her life.

Give her like a week to recover.

But maybe she needs a shoulder to cry on.

Ooh, yeah.

Maybe just give her like a couple of days.

You know what? Feel it out.

If it's right, she'll come to you.

But don't wait too long, right?

No.

If it's meant to be, it'll be.

So I should send this.

Yes.

I'm pretty sure we're about to ruin

both their lives.

Yes, we are.

I mean, we're gonna ruin his life

for sure.

He needs to be held accountable

for what he did.

And you know what? I can't believe

I'm gonna say this,

but she would be better

off with you.

Thanks.

I agree.

Of course.

Okay. I'm gonna send it.

Do it.

Sent.

It's done?

How long do you think it'll take

before they write back?

I don't know.

But she will write back, right?

Oh, yeah. She has to.

I need a drink.

Me too.

Let's go.

Are you done?

Uh, yeah.

I'm done.

How many?

It's 20-ish.

What number am I?

You are number 18.

Are you going chronologically?

No, I'm just going stream of consciousness.

Well, then why am I not

number one?

I don't know.

I was just kind of thinking off

the top of my head.

Do you wanna be number one?

Well, what number would I be?

I don't know.

Are you really asking me that?

Yes.

Look, I can rearrange it,

okay?

I don't wanna be number 18.

Well, now you are number one.

So I'm the best sex you

ever had.

Yeah, you are the A-plus, number-one

best ever.

We would be perfect for each other

if you weren't you.

I mean, we both like watching TV.

We both like bagels.

and we don't sleep together,

so we're like an old married couple.

It's true.

What about the sex?

Was it good?

Yeah.

Then how come Tom doesn't

want me?

Because he's crazy.

Yeah.

Why do you care?

Because I like him.

He doesn't call me all the time.

He's not needy like other guys.

Because he has a girlfriend.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Maybe I should just date guys that

have girlfriends.

You know, that's a really good idea.

You should follow that up.

Maybe, if they break up,

you can go out with Laura,

and I can go out with Tom.

Wait. You would still go out with him?

Even after what he's done?

Well, now that he doesn't want me,

I want him more.

What?

You know that's how it works.

That's why you want Laura.

That's not why I want her.

And also, I'm not doing this

because I want her.

I'm doing this to help her.

You know, things just kind of

got complicated.

What happened?

Timing and stuff.

You went out with her, and it

didn't work out.

Well, I was a different person then.

Mm-hmm.

I was a little immature.

And now?

Very mature.

Old.

I'm not old.

Are you 30?

I'm not 30. Jesus!

How old are you?

- 29.

- Exactly.

So, what's your final count?

You go first.

I'm at 27.

27?

Yeah. What?

Is that bad?

What's yours?

What?! Really?

All right. It's 28, okay?

I'm not a bad person.

I am not saying anything.

I don't even think that Tom counts,

'cause he cheated on me.

So...

Oh.

27. We're both at 27,

and we're even.

Half these guys, I don't even like.

Most of them.

All this effort.

Stupid Dating!

- Buying drinks.

- Talking.

For what? Where'd it get us?

Nowhere.

I don't wanna keep adding

numbers to my list.

Neither do I.

Tom was different.

Laura was different.

I really like him.

I really like her.

But I'm not gonna text him.

He has to text me.

Why hasn't she responded to our e-mail yet?

God, I know.

Doesn't she have an iPhone?

No, she doesn't.

She has an old flip phone.

What?

I know. It's inexplicable.

So if she wants to check her

I know. It's inexplicable.

So if she wants to check her e-mail,

she has to go to a computer?

Oh, God. That's brutal!

What if she hasn't even checked

her e-mail today?

She's been with Tom all day,

sorting through all of her feelings,

making up,

- probably boning right now.

- Can you not say that for a second?

Well, it's true.

And she's at the birthday party.

- The birthday party.

- Yes.

Oh, my God! They'reprobably doing

it right now.

Can you not say that for like

two seconds?

And if she's read the e-mail, then she's

probably back in love with him,

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