Ex-Girlfriends Page #6

and we just look like jealous exes.

Okay. We need to go there.

We should go there!

Where's the party?

The Hamptons.

The Hamptons?

What are you talking about?

I thought you were coming to the city

to go to the party.

I came to the city so I could take a

train to the Hamptons.

Ok.

Well, what time is the next

train?

We can't wait for a train.

We need to go right now!

Well, how the hell are we

gonna get there?

We need a car!

And this actually the second

novel I'm working on right now.

The first one, uh, won quite a

few awards.

Oh, cool.

So, you two used to go out?

Yep.

No.

No?

Like, "go out" go out?

Is there any other kind?

What? What do you mean

we didn't go out?

Well, there are different gradations

of going out.

Is that a mathematical thing?

There's hooking up, which is just

straight-up boning,

and then there's seeing someone,

which is boning with some

implied exclusivity,

although it's not legally binding.

So if you boned somebody else,

you may be slightly in the wrong,

but no major crime has

been committed.

You said "boning," right?

That's what she said, "boning."

So we were what?

Hooking up.

Hooking up?

I didn't even make it to "seeing someone"?

Well, I don't know.

We didn't really go out that long.

Three months.

I mean, I just kinda would've assumed there'd have been some implied exclusivity after three months.

I don't know. Maybe.

So you and Tom are what?

We're going out.

Oh, okay.

So Tom, history of intellectual whatever,

gets fast-tracked straight to "going out,"

whereas I go out with you for three months,

and all I have is these little games

where I'm trynna be not too needy

or not too distant,

and I don't even make it to

"seeing someone"?

So what?

I don't know.

I think I at least deserve some recognition.

So... so what?

You wanna be upgraded?

Yeah.

For a relationship that ended two years ago?

For a relationship that ended because

I had the decency to be a nice guy,

and not be like these other guys who treat you terribly that you always go out with.

Fine. You can be upgraded.

Why don't you get upgraded right to marriage?

Yeah, why don't you upgrade me to ex-husband?

Oh, that's good, 'cause you're the husband

I never wanted to have.

Fine!

How much longer is this?

Too long.

Let's get to the Hamptons.

You hungry?

You wanna get a bagel?

I don't even like bagels.

Go ahead.

Great. Oh, no.

That's gross. Thanks.

So here's how it goes.

There's this woman, all right,

and she's at her sister's wedding,

and she meets the guy of her dreams.

You know, she instantly falls in

love with him.

But she gets called away before

she can get his number.

What about e-mail?

No.

Boy, she could look him up

on Facebook.

No. He's not on Facebook.

Sounds suspicious. Has he studied the history of intellectual thought?

Do you mind if I finish the

story?

Great. Okay.

So she has no way of contacting him,

but, you know, the more they're apart,

the more she's falling in love with him.

Typical.

Next week, she kills her sister.

Why?

Mm, because she's crazy?

No.

Because she's jealous of her sister's marriage?

No.

She kills her sister so she can

see the guy again,

'cause if he went to the wedding,

he'd go to the funeral.

Oh, my God.

What?

That's the right answer.

Yeah. It's simple.

Yeah.

That means you're a psychopath.

What?

It's a psychological profiling question the FBI uses

to identify psychopath serial-killer personalities.

that it'll needs people who are psychopaths get the answer right.

No.

Yeah, you're a psychopath.

A psychopathic serial killer.

I'm not a psychopath.

You know, this actually makes a lot of sense,

'cause I've kind of thought

this for a long time.

- Can we go?

- Yeah.

What are we gonna do when we

get to the party?

Well, I mean, I guess we just

tell them the truth, right?

(You) think it'll work?

I don't know.

It's the one with the hedges.

It's these hedges!

There, where I just see lights.

With the hedges.

Which one?

This one!

Here. Pull here.

Jeez!

Whenever you're ready.

... but you're too close on my side.

You're too close on my side!

You know what?

I drive the car.

I'll drive the car.

Hey, pull out,

'cause I can't get out.

No, just climb over.

I'm not climbing over!

Well, I'll hold your hand if

that makes it easier.

I know. F***!

I'll climb over.

Okay. Are you ready?

Yeah.

All right. Let's go in there.

You can't just go in there.

What if she's not in there?

Then we're gonna look crazy.

Okay.

And what if she is in there?

Tom's gonna throw us out before

we get anything done.

You have to get Laura alone.

Okay. So how do I do that?

Hey.

You go around back.

You go in and find Tom.

Look.

That's Tom.

Looks like a jerk.

Got it.

- He does.

- He is.

Opinions are judgments, right?

Find Tom.

Tell him someone's blocking his car.

Bring him out.

Hey.

Once he comes out with Tom,

you go in and find Laura.

You've a picture of her?

Sure.

No, I know what she looks

like.

I met her last night.

Okay. Perfect.

So you go in, find Laura,

tell her that you're with Graham

and that she needs to see Graham

on the back deck.

Okay.

Cool.

Okay, so you go around back!

You guys go inside!

I'll wait here for Tom!

Right. Right.

Okay.

How are you so good at this?

I'm a psychopath, remember?

Right.

Okay.

Good luck.

You too.

Graham?

Laura.

What are you doing here?

I had to come up here,

because I wrote you an e-mail

about Tom and the whole thing.

Graham...

Wait. Wait.

I think he's still lying to you.

Tom was going out with my friend Kate

until last night.

I wrote you an e-mail about this whole thing,

and then I remembered you

have a flip phone.

And you know what?

I realize that I should call sometimes

instead of texting.

Whatever happened between us before,

maybe the timing wasn't right.

But I know that maybe now the

timing is right.

and I just feel like I wanted to

be honest with you

so that you could see that

I've changed.

So...

Here I am.

Graham, I got your e-mail.

Okay. Good.

But I already knew.

You knew...

You knew what?

About Tom.

He was at my apartment when I

got home the other night,

and...

he told me everything.

And he just...

He looked so sad.

You could tell he'd been crying.

and he told me how he'd been seeing your friend

behind my back

and that it was terrible, and...

that he didn't deserve me.

I...

I knew that I had to forgive him.

But he lied to you.

Yeah. I know.

I don't understand.

I don't expect you to.

I can't really explain it.

You're staying with him?

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

See, that's the part that doesn't

make sense to me.

Well, people make mistakes.

Yeah, but some mistakes are forgetting to pick up the laundry,

and some mistakes are carrying on an entire different relationship behind your back.

Oh, when you love someone

and they ask for your forgiveness,

it doesn't really matter.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does matter.

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