Excision Page #2

with that thing in your nose.

Look what you've done

to your mother.

Now you take that thing

out right now.

Bob, be honest.

Am l being too hard on Pauline?

You both have your moments.

I'm not becoming

my mother, am l?

Honey, if you were

becoming your mother

l wouldn't be filing bills right now,

I'd be fiIing for a divorce.

Not now.

lt's just like Mom to make me

take out my nose piercing.

You saw it this morning, right?

The procedure was a success.

l'm telling you, Grace,

these hands are gifted.

Martin broke up with me.

Who's Martin?

My lnternet boyfriend.

You'll move on.

Men are pigs.

That looks like fun!

l haven't jumped rope

since lower school.

I'm fIat-footed,

it's bad for my knees.

Okay?

l could just get insoles.

Maybe we could jump rope

some time.

l don't think so.

Hey! Don't be mean

to my sister!

Come on, Pauline.

- ( rain pattering )

- ( thunder crashes )

( cell phone vibrates, rings )

- Who is this?

- Uh, it's Adam, from school.

lt's late, Adam, what is it?

l want to take you up

on your offer.

l have a car and a fake lD.

You know, we could get like

a hoteI room or something.

Pick me up Monday at noon.

Teacher work day?

That's right, Adam,

teacher work day.

l'll tell my mother

we're in a study group.

Okay, good.

So, uh--

( beeps )

( sniffs )

Dear God, one thing

l've been thinking about.

The whole thing about relatives

watching over you after they die

really rubs me the wrong way.

l do a lot of crazy sh*t

while l'm alone

and l'd appreciate

some privacy.

l don't want to sound

presumptuous.

But if l do get into heaven

and my relatives have been

watching over me,

a lot of relationships will

have been compromised.

- Man on TV:
Hallelujah!

- Group:
Hallelujah!

- Hallelujah!

- Hallelujah!

( man continues preaching )

( man moaning )

( gasps )

They have canoeing.

What's all this?

We're sending your sister

to CF camp.

- What did she do?

- Cute.

Last summer, Gracie had the

time of her Iife at CF camp,

didn't you, honey?

Everyone has the disorder,

so l fit right in.

Mom, a boy named Adam is gonna

pick me up around noon.

He's put together a study group,

because we have a really

big test next week.

l'll only be gone a few hours.

This boy in your study group

must be something.

How'd you meet?

Just get this over with.

( radio playing )

( engine starts )

So, um--

lt's okay.

This will be our little secret.

l, uh...

stole some condoms

from my brother's room.

They're the big kind.

Take off your pants.

( gasps )

lt appears you're too small

for the big kind.

But that's not a bad thing.

lt's just--

it'll hurt less, so it's good.

Um...

we'll forget the condoms.

Like l said,

l'm on birth control

and that is over

Okay, yeah.

Take off your clothes, Adam.

( exhales )

( moaning )

God, you're so f***ing wet.

( gasps )

( shrieks )

l want you to go down on me.

Okay.

( moaning )

( Adam gasps )

What the f***?

( radio playing )

Thank you, Adam.

l had a really nice time.

Can you get the f***

off my car?

How did it go?

It was everything

l'd hoped it would be.

Good. l'm so glad.

First things first.

l don't want to be pregnant.

l know l was on my period

and that pretty much takes

care of that,

but l'm still a little paranoid.

ln any case, if l am pregnant,

l'm just gonna have an abortion.

Apparently, you don't approve

of abortion,

so save us both the trouble.

( crying )

lt's okay.

PhyIIis :

She's with the angels.

l know.

You know what the worst thing

is about having cystic fibrosis?

What's that, sweetheart?

When your friends die.

Last night we found out

Grace's best friend

from CF camp passed away.

Please make a special effort to be nice

to her whiIe she mourns the Ioss.

Where is she?

She had a doctor's appointment.

She's gonna need a lung

transplant, isn't she?

You've been

doing your homework.

lt's a very serious procedure.

There's a high risk

of infection.

With all the mishaps that happen

in hospitaIs these days,

perhaps you should consider

an alternative.

That day is a Iong ways

down the road, Pauline.

All right, next question.

Let's see.

Somebody asked,

"ls it true that being fat results

in poor sperm quality?

And if so, do you have to use

protection while having sex?"

Yes, fact:
being overweight does

affect your sperm quality.

What the hell are you doing?

You're gonna set off

the f***ing fire alarm.

l lost my virginity yesterday.

Checking myself for STDs.

You are such a freak.

Who would sleep with you?

"Mr. Claybaugh,

does it mean that you're gay

since you try to suck your

own dick aII the time?"

Who asked this question?

Anybody know who wrote this?

If somebody couId teII me

who wrote this question...

You're an idiot. Do you really think

that you're gonna be able to tell

if you have an STD

by looking at your blood?

PauIine:

lt's just one of those things.

Brachiosaurus thing.

Weird. l don't know.

- Sorry.

- Hello, Adam.

Hey, what are you doing here?

l'd watch out for Pauline,

if l were you.

She gave herself an STD test

in science cIass today.

Everything was fine, but you

can never be too careful.

Oh, Natalie, l meant to ask you,

do you have any STDs?

Absolutely not.

Good, then neither do l.

- What is she talking about?

- l have no idea.

How was school today?

Dreadful.

Things not going well

with your friend?

What friend?

The boy from the study group.

Adam?

He was toIerabIe,

but l've lost interest.

Well, that's a shame.

He seemed

like such a nice young man.

Pauline:
First off, this will

be our last session.

You are completely unqualified

to be doing this. lt's unethical.

I have it on the highest

authority that you're wrong.

l refuse to allow you to indulge

in my psycho-sexual fantasies.

l would imagine a man

as repressed as yourself

would have his own

issues to work out.

l'm here to listen, not judge.

Psychiatry is a science.

At least in some circles anyway.

lf there's one thing l know,

it's that science

and religion don't mix.

So, that's it then?

That's it.

( religious music playing )

( turns off radio )

Dear God, in regards to my sister,

while l might not show

it aII the time,

l love her.

Please allow me to do everything

in my power to cure her.

And lastly, my mother.

Kill her.

KiII her before

she can make me attend

those horribIe

Cotillion classes.

You'll probably want

to make it painless.

l get it, that's your thing.

But hear me out.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Besides, you can aIways

just blame it on the devil.

( doorbell rings )

And what have we here?

My jump rope club's raising money

to benefit inner-city youth.

How wonderful.

Step inside.

- What are you doing here?

- None of your business.

You weren't very nice

to me the other day.

You're weird.

Come here again and l will

perform a tracheotomy on you

with the blunt end of one

of yourjump ropes.

God loves you.

Thank you.

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