Excision Page #3

( girls giggling )

What's so funny?

Do you purposely leave your house

looking like a raging lesbian?

You do have the body

of a 10-year-old boy.

That's a highIy

unfortunate opinion.

Especially considering

your vagina

looks like

a diseased ax wound.

That's vile.

l actually get afraid that

l might get a yeast infection

just being in the same room

with that thing.

Look, l spoke with Adam.

And l got to hand it to you,

from the sounds of it,

he's freakier than l imagined.

So l dumped him.

He's all yours.

Forgive my vulgarity,

but Adam licks p*ssy

like a dog drinks water.

l'm not interested.

Suit yourself.

You mind if l leave you

with some advice?

Make it quick,

l got to take a sh*t.

You're disgusting.

Stop spending your

allowance on birth control

and invest in some estrogen

piIIs, okay?

( girls giggling )

My bones fall in

My bones fall out

You're cool as silk

Beside my heart...

What are you doing?

l'm thinking of performing

an umbilical plasty on myself.

What's that?

Long story short,

l want to reshape my navel

and allowance won't cover it.

What do you think?

Boys don't care

about belly buttons.

They care about these.

My world does not revolve around

boys like yours does, Grace.

l'm doing this for myself.

Come on.

Breathe, Pauline.

Good girl.

Bob, you have a cold sore

on your lip!

You should have waited

for the lifeguard.

Are you serious?

She could have died.

Well, when she's a teenager,

you get to explain to her why

she has herpes on her lip.

Unbelievable.

Pauline, what did l tell you?

The high dive is for big girls.

l can cut it myself.

PhyIIis:

l have some exciting news.

Today, l bought Pauline

the most eIegant dress.

Perfect for both church

and Cotillion.

You won't let it rest,

will you?

l refuse to go to church.

Isn't it enough that I'm wiIIing

to subject myself to the humiliation

of Cotillion with a bunch

of adolescents?

Phyllis:
Well, Cotillion will help

you land a decent husband.

l'm gonna get married one day.

To a black guy.

Well, don't expect

for him to be faithful.

African-Americans

are notorious adulterers.

Don't look at me

like that, Bob.

Well, they are.

( sighs )

Tomorrow night is gonna be over

before you know it.

Pauline,

you're gonna look beautiful.

I know I can be a bit of

a demented b*tch sometimes.

But you still love me, right?

Of course, l do.

Oh, God, you're getting

a coId sore.

Jesus, Mom, show some tact.

lt's okay.

We just won't do the pictures.

What's the occasion?

Well, l was so excited about

tonight, l couldn't sleep.

So l decided l might as well

get started in the kitchen.

Bacon. Nice.

Maybe if l eat enough l can

induce a coronary.

Hey, Dad? Thanks.

You're weIcome.

l saved your life.

On the off-chance that I have

another near-death experience

and you're the only one around,

what new sexuaIIy transmitted

disease can l expect to acquire?

l will be down in 10 minutes.

PIease be ready to go.

Come upstairs when you're

through with your breakfast.

Dad?

l don't want to hear it.

Young lady?

- Principal Campbell.

- Mm-hmm.

Save some for the rest of us.

AII right?

( chuckles )

Ew, don't sit next to me.

Where's your friend Natalie?

None of your business.

Yes, Pauline?

l have to go to the bathroom.

Do you have any

hall passes left?

No.

Oh, well, l'm sorry,

l'm afraid you're gonna have

to wait until the bell rings.

Anyone here like to take a shot

at expIaining

Cramer's Rule to the class?

Anyone?

Abigail.

lt's a formula for solving systems

of equations by determinants.

Cooper:

Yes, correct.

Yes, Pauline?

l have to go to the bathroom.

All right, make it quick.

And don't make me regret this.

( door opens )

Oh!

Congratulations!

You've now Iost

your bathroom privileges

to the end of the semester.

Was l really gone that long?

Just take out

your text book, page 73.

See if you can catch up

with the rest of the class.

And if you have any questions,

you know where I am.

- ( groans )

- What is it now, Pauline?

I feeI sick,

may l go to the clinic?

Tough it out.

ln another 10 minutes, you'll be

somebody else's problem.

You are so full of sh*t.

Mr. Cooper?

l think l'm gonna be sick.

( coughing )

Oh!

( gags )

Oh, that's disgusting.

Well, your temperature's normal.

Maybe you have food poisoning.

Maybe.

There's a multitude

of bacterial infections

l'm not willing to rule out.

Let's not forget to sanitize that.

It is my favorite thermometer.

l'm very disappointed in you.

For what?

When your school called,

my first inclination was to

check the medicine chest.

A touch unsympathetic, l know.

But l have a pretty good grasp

of how your mind works.

That's when l discovered

that the ipecac syrup

had mysteriously disappeared.

That's impressive

detective work, Mother.

Pretending that you're sick?

lt's an all-time low, Pauline.

Your sister would do anything

for a healthy body

and you take it so for granted.

Relax.

It's not Iike I have

Munchausen Syndrome.

lt was a last ditch effort

to get out of Cotillion.

That's all.

Well, it didn't work.

You look beautiful.

We're gonna have to beat

the boys off with a stick.

Gross.

Agh, back off!

Good Iord, PauIine!

You just had something on your face.

The average human mouth contains

nearly 600 species of bacteria.

My cheek might as well

be a Petri dish.

When did you become

so germaphobic?

l thought you wanted me to make

a good impression, right?

ln the unlikely event that someone

shows up with a microscope

you can blame me, okay?

Stand up straight.

Better.

( waltz playing )

Mother, this is bizarre.

l didn't take the age difference

into consideration

as much as l should have.

For that l apologize.

Try and make the best of things.

You okay?

l'd rather be at home

with a good book.

Well, that makes two of us.

What do you think boys see

in all these overly made-up

cum dumpsters?

l wouldn't know.

Boys don't talk to me unless

they need help with their homework.

Have you ever thought

about having work done?

( scoffs )

Want to dance?

So, how old are you?

That's pretty old.

Not really.

Grace Marie!

What on earth

has gotten into you?

l'm vulnerable right now.

Young Iady, you just Iost your

computer privileges permanently.

Amber, l'm really sorry,

but this is not working out.

l think l'm gonna have to pull

the girIs from CotiIIion.

What's--

what's that on your lip?

lt's a cold sore.

lt's pretty disgusting.

Oh, well, thanks.

Sorry.

( spits, groans )

( spitting )

What happened?

The girl with herpes

on her face kissed me.

Does that mean l'm gonna have

herpes on my face, too?

Not necessarily.

l asked her to dance.

l thought she was a retard.

l was just trying to be nice.

Pauline, how could you?

lt's pretty

self-explanatory, Mother.

l fell victim to his charm.

My friend said

That she saw you last

That you talked a while

And it was good but sad

- And l can't believe...

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