Express Pipe Laying Page #3

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All right. Everybody line up.

Don't be dummies.

Just get in line.

That's fine.

Gentlemen, members of the national

office are coming here tonight...

for their annual inspection

of this theater.

Right now, I'm going to explain to you

my managing style...

for the benefit of the new guys.

So there you are, tubby.

You look like a bucket of lard

on a bad day.

You baby gorilla.

Why don't you work the zoo

and stop bothering people?

Got a call yesterday

from Baskin Robbins.

They said that they're down

to only five flavors.

You're swelling up as I talk to you.

Look at you. How's this?

How's it doin'?

Hello, ice cream.

Having a good time running around?

Are you laughing 'cause I called your

friend a fat pig? Think that's funny?

I was laughing earlier

when you were talking to his belly.

Why don't you get a horse and live

in the mountains? Don't bother anybody.

You've got a personality

like a dead moth.

Okay, the fun's over.

Anybody messes this thing up

for me tonight is through.

Not only are you fired,

your life is over.

I'll see to it you never work again, and

wind up tearing tickets off in Kuwait.

Everybody's sucking sand.

Nobody messes up, understand me?

Don't mess up!

That guy's gonna be our boss?

After a speech like that, how does

he expect us not to screw him over?

Every one of us said the same thing

our first day working for Hamilton...

only nobody does anything.

Trust me, this isn't just talk.

Nobody screws me over like that.

- Me, neither.

- I can't help you. I need this job.

But if you really screw over Hamilton,

I'll give you ten bucks.

Mark me down for $20.

Mr. Witherspoon.

Class operation, Hamilton.

Good job.

Thank you.

Let me get you some refreshments.

Okay, we're all set.

One, two, three. Look away!

Look, an alien.

Yeah, we better have sex

with each other.

Note to self.

Sam just looked at the screen.

No, I didn't.

I was just making sure the reel had...

- This alien looks like a hot guy.

- Right. We better have sex with him.

Gimme that.

It took long enough, you dummy.

Hamilton, you're through.

That was amazing.

You should do that stuff for a living.

Sam, tonight...

we made a wad of cash for doing

something that comes natural to us.

Revenge.

We should open

a "revenge for hire" business.

I've never heard of

a "revenge for hire" business.

Exactly. We'd be the first.

With every genius business idea,

there's got to be a first.

Like the guy who first thought

of delivering pizza to people's houses.

Or the guy who invented crack.

Who's gonna hire us?

I have a feeling people are going

to pay us a lot of money...

to do their dirty work.

Okay, let's get a few things

straight here.

As long as the rent's on time,

you don't wreck the place, we're okay.

If not...

I punch you in the stomach.

If that ever comes up,

that Sam's department.

Yeah, that's my department.

Good.

Good luck to you.

Thanks.

Mildred!

Wait up.

- Hi, Rich.

- Hi, Mildred.

I guess you forgot my name.

It's not Mildred, it's Kathy.

No, I didn't forget.

You never told me, so I just guessed.

That's a novel approach.

So, how'd the fight with

those fraternity guys turn out?

We kicked their ass!

I was punching one guy

and kicking this other guy.

I threw one dude right through

a plate glass window.

- Really?

- Sort of, except the exact opposite.

Don't you think it's silly

for grown men to fight?

Did you see the movie Kickboxer?

They're all grown men.

Are we going to your apartment now?

I'm going back to work.

- Where do you work?

- Right there.

Phillips Motors!

Are you a dirty car salesman?

- No. I'm a dirty accountant.

- Hey, Kathy!

Break's over, sweetheart.

Get your ass in here! Now!

- Who's that dude?

- Anton Phillips, the owner.

- Does he always talk to you like that?

- Well, yeah.

But he's doing a live TV commercial

tomorrow, so he's worse than usual.

Anyway, it was nice

seeing you again, Mitch.

Live TV commercial?

Okay, settle down, prostitutes.

Understand that you each get $20,

and this requires no sex.

No sex at all...

regardless of what

this character tells you.

- What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter?

We spend most of the money

my sister sent for Pops on this office.

And now we're wasting the rest of it

so you can impress some girl?

No. This isn't for her.

This is so we can get a free commercial

for Dirty Work on live television.

And in five, four, three, two.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Anton Phillips...

President of Phillips Motors.

We'll return in a moment

to the Channel 11 Movie Matinee...

but I'm here with you live to show you

some great luxury automobiles.

Like this one-year-old

Cadillac Deville...

priced right at $36,000.

Fully loaded:

V-8 engine, standard.

Shock-resistant CD player, standard.

- The trunk looks kinda small.

- This is live!

I'm on live T...

Trunk's fine.

As you can see, friends,

it's not small.

It's a big trunk.

I'll show you right here.

You got a dead hooker in the trunk!

No! It can't be.

- It was. It was a dead hooker.

- It wasn't a dead hooker!

- I know a dead hooker when I see one.

- What's happening?

- Come on down.

- Here's another dead hooker!

What?

My goodness!

I've never seen so many dead hookers

in all my life.

Lord knows I have.

- I can remember a time...

- Look, there's Mitch on TV.

Yeah, there's Mitch.

And there's the Saigon whore...

that bit my nose off!

These are nice cars.

These are luxury automobiles.

I've got a whole place.

They're fully loaded.

They're loaded

with dead hookers.

You're seein' things.

Don't shoot this.

- This is not part of the commercial.

- Some jerk making your life miserable?

You want revenge? Call 555-0187

and let us do your dirty work.

And we're clear.

Wake up, slut!

Well, well, well.

We meet again.

Nose biter!

Time to pay the fiddler, whore!

That was great.

Let's get out of here.

Nurse, record vital signs, please.

If that stethoscope is as freezing cold

as it was yesterday...

I'm gonna shove it

right up your ass!

Vital signs normal.

Hey, Pops!

Sam! Mitch!

What are you two fruits up to?

You should've seen it.

We just did this cool thing on TV...

that should really help

our revenge business.

We found our calling.

Looking back, I must've been your age

when I found my calling.

So you became a boxer?

That's when I started working

in stag films.

I'm gonna find Dr. Farthing.

Hey, look, Pops.

- I gotta tell you something.

- What?

I've made up my mind.

I'm going to tell Sam.

Or not!

I'd appreciate it

if you didn't tell Sam.

He might react badly.

I wouldn't want anything to break up

our relationship before I die.

Okay, I won't tell him.

Yeah.

Note to self.

Forget about fathering children.

- Any bleeding?

- Only when I sit down.

What happened to your arm?

I'm not sure. It's either

from sleeping on it the wrong way...

or from bookmakers throwing me out

of a speeding car.

- Did you get the 50 grand?

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