Expresso Bongo

1

Cha, cha, cha.

- Hot dogs here. Get your hot dogs here.

- One hot dog.

Right, sir.

I said, 'Get with it, chick!

Get with it! What's the point of coming

'if you don't go for the beat, huh?

What's the point?'

Yeah, but Vera, when she goes,

she really goes.

You see, he does look like

Dave Brubeck only shorter.

- I thought Brubeck was shorter.

- Oh, no. Very big.

Well, I can't get with him.

I do try, but I just can't!

Him, he's so square,

it's like dancing with a load of dice.

No.

Variety, Miss, Melody Maker.

I'll bring 'em back in the morning.

Johnny!

Johnny, this isn't a lending library.

All right, I'm not paying a subscription.

Hello, boy.

I've got second in the third and third

in the fourth. I've got no appetite!

Look, let's come to the Spieler.

It might break the box.

- Still racing, Racer?

- What else?

I got a hot tip for you.

Meesa Masheena in the 4:30.

- On you, too, better.

- Two salt beef on rye!

- Dying to see your new look, Leon.

- Have you got music?

- What am I, La Scala?

- Hi, Leon.

- You want this eat or take?

- Eat.

Two salt beef on rye. Four shillings.

Hi, Johnny.

- How are the alterations coming?

- Expensive. And no.

- No what?

- No nothing from you.

I don't want no propositions.

Did I make? I didn't make!

I've got a big enough

proposition with all this!

All right, so give me a cup of coffee

and I won't waste your time

by telling you what to make

Leon's new expresso

the most habitated teenage club in Soho.

- Thank you very much. One coffee!

- Make me up six salt beef on white

- and four... No, two smoked salmon.

- To eat? Oh, no, it's too many.

To take.

If it's not against your principles.

Oh, by the way, you heard

I'm handling the Beast Rhythm Group.

Beast Burns and his Beasts making a bomb!

Six salt beef on rye!

The rye's more fresher. Who wants Beasts?

Everybody wants to listen

to music today, Leon.

Everybody wants it!

- So, what's with this new juke box?

- They'll fix it. It's music, ain't it?

Leon, for half of what that machine,

with its degenerate can-music costs,

you can have

a real live artiste in this place,

a personality,

someone that the kids will eat up!

No. N-O!

You're talking to an educated man, Leon.

I could spell even four-letter words

before I was six!

Take a night off!

Don't you want to open

this great new enterprise with a splash,

something that will get you

into the papers?

Now look at this. Just look.

'Teenage kids making music in expressos.'

It's creating such interest.

- It's a good publicity.

- It's fabulous publicity!

I can book you an artiste into here

which'll make this place beat out

greetings from Croydon to Willesden!

The kids will come flocking in here!

Cost you a mere 20

a week for a first-class artiste.

- 5 cash. Booking charge.

- Some hope.

- Hope, unlike charity, costs nothing.

- It's still too expensive.

Six beef, two salmons.

I want you know that

I come from a long line

of small-capital big-hopers,

some of whom did not die bankrupt.

Look, Johnny,

why don't you stick to drumming?

You're a good drummer, boy,

but what kind of a manager!

- Hah!

- What's so funny?

I put in a few cucumbers to last.

I was just thinking what

a great opportunity you're missing

for the sake of a mere fiver.

- I'm glad.

- Oh, well, that's how it is.

Some fellas are just not

cut out for success.

Ah, that's how it is.

Look, Leon,

I'll book you a top personality

and throw in a group to back him.

A mere 20, the package. No?

- A mere no.

- All right.

All right! So thank you and good night,

Leon expresso bar schlemiel!

Hey, you're actually paying?

I told you, foolish man,

I own a fortune in talent.

It just so happens

I'm a fiver short tonight.

Eh, Johnny, wait a minute.

For curiosity's sake,

what's the proposition?

- No, it's too late, Leon, forget it.

- All right, all right!

All right.

So, book me a genius, but cheap.

That juke box will cost me a fortune.

I shouldn't be doing this,

but for an old friend...

You can do anything you like with me,

can't you, Leon? Just anything.

Well, I must be out of my mind.

- Want to come upstairs, dear?

- Now, Penelope, do you mind?

Johnny, I'm sorry,

I'm getting so short-sighted.

In your business,

it's better you don't see.

- Good evening, my little Chinese rose.

- Wotcha, Johnny.

- And what teenage folly are they up to?

- Just started Historical Honeys.

Now, if you boys were good at school

and studied history carefully,

you'll remember tales of bygone ages.

Let us turn back history's pages,

study scenes of dirty plot.

In those days, gosh, they had the lot!

First, Mary Queen of Scots in kiltie.

She of treason was found guilty.

Then she came an awful cropper

on the headsman's wicked chopper.

Next, the Ides of March in Rome.

And Caesar wished he'd stayed at home.

'Cause on that day he passed away.

With his last words, 'Get tu, Brute!'

You can look at the goods,

but don't touch

Ah, the goods are the goods,

but don't touch

You wouldn't walk in Cartier's

and touch every stone

You wouldn't stroke a Mayfair mink

that wasn't your own

Which means unless you're serious,

just leave the loot alone

You can look at the goods,

but don't touch

You can value the stocks,

but don't touch

Though the stocks are in frocks,

you don't touch

You can't walk in the Dorchester,

Savoy or the Ritz

And open up the showcases

to handle the bits

Which means until you own

the goods, don't touch the exhibits

You can hover like an eagle

But until you make it legal

You can look at the goods,

but don't touch

Hello, Charlie boy.

Come on, Alma! Ready, get dressed!

How can you strip if you're not dressed?

The work's ageing you, Charlie.

Oh, it's like

Smithfield Meat Market around here.

- So you're here, then.

- So I'm here, then. Kiss me properly.

I was using my new voice tonight.

Do you like it?

It was an experience, Maisie doll.

Doll, I wouldn't have missed it for

50% of Val Parnell.

Undo me.

You know, I think, um... Well, I think

we might go straight home tonight,

watch telly, have a few laughs.

- I hadn't thought about it.

- Well, don't rupture your brain!

Oh, don't be. I'm all pathological

when I'm doing a show.

It's all those bald heads out there.

It's like playing to an egg box!

- So long as you don't lay the eggs.

- I'm getting out of it soon.

- So, at least mention my new voice.

- We could both do with an early night.

I'm dying of hunger.

Besides, I've got our supper already

cooking to death here.

Sorry, Johnny.

My teacher says I'm a new Judy Garland.

Send me the bill for the testimonial.

I told her to send you all the bills.

It's nice you have so much faith in me.

Do you want to take in the finale?

Nothing personal, kid,

but I think I need some fresh air.

You two. You've been running

nearly as long as the show.

It's known as fidelity.

And your G-string's slipped.

Shh.

You know the trouble with nonstop review?

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