Extract Page #6

changing services.

I got to get inside...

Hang on, you mean yesterday, right?

- Huh?

- The pool cleaner that you saw,

you saw him yesterday,

not today, right?

No, today. The new guy.

What did he look like?

Well, you know,

blonde-haired kid about yea high.

Good-looking kid. Real good-looking.

In fact, Leslie even commented...

You're absolutely sure

that you saw him today,

and not yesterday?

- Yeah.

- No doubt?

No, no doubt about it. It was today.

I came home for lunch.

Yesterday, I had this bear of

a sales conference.

This guy just went on.

Hey, do you think I could go ahead

and get that check from you?

It's 110...

All right, I'll call you!

BRAD:
Hello?

- Yeah, is this Brad?

- Yeah.

What were you doing

at my house today?

Oh!

- Nothing.

- Bullshit.

Look, don't worry about it, dude.

I won't charge you for this one.

You had sex with my wife again?

Well, I figured we already did it once,

so what's the big deal, right?

- Besides, I'm not going to charge you.

- You're not going to charge...

You are going to charge me

and I am going to pay you,

because you are not going to have sex

with my wife for free, all right?

Now, listen. If I ever catch you

anywhere near my house ever again,

it's not going to be great, all right?

Okay, listen, if you know

of anyone else who needs...

Hey, do you want to,

I don't know, go out or something?

We can go to 7-Eleven

and get pizza sticks.

I have this work thing I gotta go to.

Rory's band's playing.

Everyone's got to go.

Oh.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY)

(CHATTERING)

Are you getting what you deserve?

Call me! Joe Adler, the big gun.

- Hey, Cliff.

- Hey.

(JOE SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)

I cannot believe

that my wife slept with that guy.

I thought you said

it wouldn't bother you.

Well, I guess

I didn't think about it long enough.

It was so easy for him, too.

I can't stand that.

Maybe I'm just lousy in the sack.

No, man. It's not your fault.

I told you,

my man Brad just crushes ass, dude.

I'm sorry if, you know... I'm sorry.

That's all right. That's all right.

Apparently you're right.

What is it with women?

They say they don't care about looks,

they just want a guy

who's smart and funny,

but they always just end up laughing

at whatever the good-looking,

stupid guy says.

(LAUGHING) I know.

Guess what else? Little prick

was at my house again today.

- For real? Why?

- Why do you think?

Unreal. You hire a guy to do a job

on one day,

and he comes back the next day,

drops it in your wife again for free.

Yeah, well, I'm not letting him do it

for free. I am paying him.

You are? How much?

The same, I guess. Why?

Well, I mean,

should I contact Brad for my 20 bills

and invoice him,

or should I go to you, or...

Don't even worry about that right now.

We can deal

with the economics of it later.

You can just table that.

That's not what's important.

What's important is that

you should be going out right now

and calling Cindy, guilt-free.

Conscience clear.

Yeah. I don't know about that.

She's at that party.

- Look. You know what you need to do?

- I don't need any more drugs.

Dude. I know I kid around a lot

and I'm a little bit of a character,

but I'm serious right now.

This is real advice.

Okay? So, I want you to listen to me.

You should try smoking a little pot.

- That's a drug.

- It's not a drug. It's a flower.

It has healing properties.

Stress is a killer.

Okay, I get paranoid when I smoke pot.

Not if you smoke a little, bro.

You know what you need to do?

You need to hang out

with my boy Willie.

He's a great guy. He's the one

who gave me that horse tranquilizer.

Dude, the Atlantians gave mankind

the secret 10,000 years ago.

See, drugs don't give you a hangover,

man. You know what I mean?

People are just now starting to use

that sh*t. Embrace it.

That's how we're going to solve

modern problems, man.

Wisdom of the ancients.

Ask Willie, bro. He's a shaman.

Right on.

- All right, man.

- No.

I'm really kind of a lightweight. If you've

got a beer, or even some wine...

- It's not really my thing.

- Bullshit.

Come on, Joel.

Man, he thinks he gets paranoid.

- I do get paranoid.

- Okay.

You familiar with the Graffix bong?

- You ever used one before?

- No.

Okay. Put your thumb right here.

Hey! You put your right thumb here,

on the carburetor.

Now, when I tell you to let go,

I want you to let go and inhale hard.

Okay. Exhale!

- I'm going to let you guys do this.

- Bullshit!

This doesn't work for me.

Just give mine to Dean.

- Exhale hard!

- I get paranoid, so I don't...

Exhale!

(EXHALES)

Put your lips on it. Yeah.

Go! Inhale! Go! Go! Harder!

(BUBBLING)

Let go!

Inhale!

Yeah.

(COUGHING)

Oh, yeah.

(WILLIE CHUCKLING)

Yeah. It's Jesus. You see him?

JOEL:
Oh, f***.

Huh?

I thought I heard somebody

say something.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SCREAMING)

JOEL:
Jesus Christ.

Did you see the look on his face?

Man, you do get paranoid

when you get stoned.

You do, dude.

Did you get paranoid

when he jumped at you?

I told you guys.

Hey, dude, man.

You should call that girl now.

Well, yeah, what time is it?

Time for you to call her

and finally get laid, man. Come on!

- All right.

- DEAN:
It's 12:30, man.

She's probably at home now.

What does she look like?

She's... She has dark hair.

She's kind of pretty,

and, you know, working-class looking.

What do you mean by that?

That she's kind of slutty-looking?

Kind of. Yeah.

That's how I like them.

Kind of nasty. Yeah.

You guys have the same taste, man.

Yeah. Hope I don't wake her up.

(BUSY SIGNAL BEEPING)

Busy.

At least you know she's home, man.

I don't know what kind of person

doesn't have call waiting.

I don't have call waiting.

I hate call waiting.

Every time I hear that clicking,

(IMITATES CLICKING)

I put my fist

right through someone's skull!

Are you joking? He's playing with you.

You do get paranoid

when you are stoned, huh?

Seriously, though, I hate call waiting.

Okay, man.

You're too stoned.

I'm gonna dial the number for you.

I'll tell you

why you're getting a busy signal.

This is my number.

Enough. I don't know why

you're trying to get me so paranoid.

You're gonna make me cry.

Hey.

Joel?

Hey. What are you doing here?

Joel, man, I'm not proud of you today.

Guys, seems like...

...you guys will have a lot to work out.

- Hey, man.

I don't want to be a fourth wheel.

Thanks for having me. It's been cool.

See you guys later.

Kind of nasty?

(CLATTERING)

(SOFTLY) Sh*t.

Oh, my God. Joel, are you all right?

What happened?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Just got

my ass kicked. Just back to sleep.

- But...

- Honey, just...

By who? What happened?

Some guy at Sidelines, just...

Night-night.

My God, you should go to the hospital

so you can get checked out, maybe.

No, no, no, I just

want to go to sleep right now. Shh!

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Honey, just don't worry about it, okay?

People get their asses kicked

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