Facial for the First Time Page #2

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All we need now is for it to be raining,

and, like...

I mean, it's just so tired, right?

And completely--

Would you deal with it?

Your balls are vibrating.

Uh...

Uh...

Um...

Uh... Huh.

What? What?

Oh, it's just the cops are here.

Get out of here!

Get out of here! Cops!

Where's your car?

We're out of here, man.

Oh, I didn't drive. The Englishman did.

What?

My little English friend.

Who?

They're taking everybody's name, they're handcuffing people.

It's every man for himself. Let's go.

What's wrong with you a**holes?

Let's go.

What should we do?

Um, hang on, I just need to--

I'll call my--

My house is like 10 blocks away.

You wanna walk with me for a little?

Yes.

Where are you gonna go to college?

Uh, Columbia.

Wow, so you're,

like, Smartypants McGee.

No, I don't know

about "Smartypants McGee."

Any idea what you might wanna do?

I wanna teach.

I wanna live in New York and teach.

Oh.

Elementary school to start. Somewhere

where there's a real need, you know?

Uh, then probably

developmental psychology.

Oh, so you pretty much know

exactly what you wanna do.

Yeah. How about you?

I have no idea. I like collage.

Collage?

And I draw some.

I'm learning how to play the drums.

Helps me work out my aggression.

You got a lot of aggression?

The average amount, I think.

Heh. Are you, uh...?

Are you happy?

Happy? Heh.

Yeah, do you think of yourself

as a reasonably happy person?

Content or what have you?

No, I wouldn't say content.

I'm just-- I'm ready to get out of here.

I'm so over high school.

You've still

got another year.

I'm aware of that. Dick.

You?

Me what?

Are you a happy-go-lucky

kind of kid?

Because I'll slap you if you are.

Well, I am right now,

which is surprising.

You know I'm dating someone?

Oh! Ha!

Wait. Krasne?

What?

No, dude, it's Wuzheimer, dude.

It's Wuzheimer.

Sony, man, not him.

Don't apologize for who you are

or who you're not.

That ought to be

on a T-shin, right?

You guys know where this, um--

This party's at?

Oh, it just got broken up by the police.

No, dude, the one on, uh, Chestnut.

That's where we just were.

You sure about that?

Pretty sure.

But, hey, you guys want a ride?

I guess we're heading west.

No, I'm just a few blocks away.

I'm fine on my own if you wanna...

Uh...

Uh, actually, you know what?

We're good, man. Thanks, though.

Suit yourselves.

You kids are adorable.

Yeah.

Take it easy, Wuzheimer, all right?

Well, this is me.

That's me. This is me.

Um...

Well, hey. Uh...

Yes? Yeah?

I don't know, would you wanna

maybe hang out sometime?

What were we just doing?

That--

I don't know, I mean--

I just meant--

You asking me for my number?

I was easing into it.

Hmm. Okay.

Okay, fine?

Yes, go. Give it to me.

Do you wanna come in

for a second?

What about your boyfriend?

I'm not gonna doink you or anything.

I know.

What about your parents?

You have to be really quiet.

Uh, do you want

something to drink?

Uh, sure.

Uh, what do you want?

I don't know.

Whatever you're having is fine.

Well, I'm gonna have some wine.

Yeah, works for me.

Oh, sh*t.

This is really very cool.

# If it be your will #

Heh. It's true, huh?

The sound quality

really is way better than a download.

Not really.

Oh.

Then why...?

I just like the idea of it.

You know, a record collection.

You know, most of them are my dad's.

# I will speak no more #

# Ishall abide until #

# I am spoken for #

# If it be your will ##

You wanna know

when I'm really happy?

Four o'clock.

Home from school, and the sun

comes through that window

and just makes the carpet all,

like, warm.

And I sit here cutting out pictures.

When I was little,

it was Crayolas, but...

I've never been more content

than when I'm just,

you know, by myself,

doing my thing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I mean, I'm not alone much,

definitely not in my house,

but, um, I have my car.

Some nights, I just like to drive around,

music up, windows down, just--

Have you had sex yet?

What?

Just asking.

Honestly?

No, lie to me.

Not yet.

I mean, not that there haven't been

some opportunities.

Oh, yeah, girls lining up

to have sex with you?

No, that's not what I meant.

You wanna have sex with Jane?

I guess, yeah. But I don't like

to fantasize about, um...

I fantasize about holding her hand

and kissing in the rain.

You know, all that cheesy,

tired romantic sh*t

that you're such a fan of.

And I fantasize about having sex

with Casey Flynn.

Is that an actress I should know?

She's a girl who goes to my school.

She's the girl that everyone wants to have

sex with because she's, you know, mean.

Oh.

Jane's the girl that you want

to be your girlfriend.

The virgin and the skank.

Tale as old as time.

Have you done it yet?

None of your business.

Everything cool has been ruined.

Was before we got here.

Even sex and relationships.

It's all just so safe and convenient.

Homogenized.

Exchange profiles, boil your personality

down to some, like, compatibility equation.

"What's your favorite movie?

Who's your favorite recording artist?"

And then with one easy click,

we too can realize our dream

of boning someone exactly like us.

Get married,

give birth to two and a half babies.

We can all post the pictures

on Facebook or Twitter.

No, that's-- That is not for me.

I wanna meet a man

the old-fashioned way, you know,

like in a bar.

How about a dark alley?

Crazy guy who talks to himself?

Give me your hand.

Which one am I?

The virgin or the skank?

I've never met anyone like you before.

That's a pretty good answer.

# If it be your will #

# If there is a choice #

# Let the rivers fill #

# Let the hills rejoice #

# Let your mercy spill

On all these burning hearts in hell #

I have trouble sleeping

with someone in the room.

Oh. I'll take off.

No.

It's just, sleepovers, camp,

I always hated them.

Not because I minded being away,

but because there was always

some mouth breather next to me.

You don't have to explain.

I'll go.

Not yet. I just, um...

Maybe we could lie here

for a minute.

And I could just close my eyes,

see what it's like.

Is that okay?

Okay.

# All dressed to kill #

# And end this night #

# If it be your will #

# If it be your will ##

Your heart is beating really fast.

I know.

Sony.

It's cool, Hodgman.

Honey, wake up. It's almost 11.

Oh, sh*t.

Aubrey?

Yeah. I'll be out in a minute.

Okay.

Oh. Oh, God, no. I'm so sorry.

Okay, you've gotta get out.

The window.

Hurry.

Uh, okay.

What now?

Jump.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, go. Call me.

Okay. Yes.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't even think I got your number.

Aubrey?

Aubrey!

Badass. I was like

Jason Bourne, you know?

Or Jason Statham.

Then I called you.

What?

You're a sweet boy, you know that?

Shut up.

No, you truly are.

Your Bambi-like innocence

is just, what? Adorable.

I'm gonna pinch your cheek.

Screw you.

David, there is no boyfriend.

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