Facial for the First Time Page #3

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But--

No.

What, you think she made it up?

Yes, of course she did.

Girls have to say they have a boyfriend

when they meet some random dick.

It's practically in the manual.

I don't know, I really believed her.

Of course you did. Even now,

when I'm assuring you it's bullshit.

It's how you know if she likes you.

In a couple of days, chuck her a text.

See if she wants to hang out, get some

Chinese, get some Szechuan chicken.

If she says "boyfriend," you know she

didn't really like you. Thanks, love.

But you can always tell yourself,

"Hey, she has a boyfriend."

You know? "it's not me."

It's a good system. Tell him.

I'm not gonna text her.

Why not?

I thought you said

she had a tight little bottom.

Because.

Because of Jane?

Seriously, David,

that's never gonna happen.

I accidentally spilled wine

on her carpet.

Right. Who gives a sh*t?

She does.

She's got this thing about her carpet.

The way the sunlight hits it

at a certain point in the afternoon and...

Couldn't text her even if I wanted to.

She didn't give you her number,

did she?

No. She started to.

She typed in the first few digits,

and then we...

But I did get those first three digits

on my phone, right? So...

I mean, come on, how many possible

combinations of numbers could there really be?

Ten thousand.

Just call Information.

Don't be stupid, okay?

She's not gonna be listed.

Plus, I don't even know

her parents' first names.

And Lashanda says there's like

What's the sh*t's a Lashanda?

The lady I talked to

when I called Information.

Well, you know where she lives.

I know where she-- Great.

So I could stand outside of her house?

Because that won't be so creepy.

Yes. Great.

Find her on Facebook.

I don't think she does Facebook.

She doesn't believe

in that son of thing.

She doesn't believe in it?

This girl sounds like a ginormous

ass-ache, my friend.

Like a huge ache in my ass.

I'm telling you, I know the type.

I know the type.

The alternative rock indie chick

who only goes to an films,

smells like vegan food,

can't be bothered to shave her pits.

Eventually falls in love

with a scaly bull dyke named Harley.

Where do you even come up--?

Stanvvyck.

What are you jabbering about?

Stanvvyck goes to North.

Stanvvyck goes to North.

We'll call Stanvvyck.

He'll have access to the student

database. Just thought of that.

What do you want?

Stanvvyck, it's Daldly. I need a favor.

You can finally pay me back

for giving you Courtney Yamazaki.

She was never gonna go outwith you.

She thinks you're disgusting.

Whatever gets you through the night.

What do you want?

We need a number for a girl

that goes to North.

Uh, hold on a sec. What year?

Junior.

Who was that?

Uh, it's Hodgman.

Uh, junior. Okay.

It's gonna be Aubrey Miller.

Miller, Audrey.

Aubrey.

Aubrey Miller.

Just an address and the home number.

No cell?

What did I say?

Okay, how about an e-mail?

Just the home number.

You want it or not, Dave?

Yes, give us the number.

# I went out with this guy #

# This guy ##

Hey, we're gonna see that movie

tonight, 7:
15, Old Orchard.

What movie?

Where the world ends in like five days.

Three days.

Three days. Not a lot of time.

That movie's gonna suck.

I think I'll skip it.

David.

Look, it goes without saying, leave it

a few days before you call this girl.

You know, let's give the illusion

that you have a life.

Of course. Of course. I mean, I'm happy

we got the number, but I don't know.

I probably--

Hey, probably won't even call her at all.

We'll see. We'll see how I feel

by the end of the week or something.

Or in like a couple weeks.

Uh, hi, yes, is this Mr. Miller?

I don't take solicitations.

No, no, no. I'm, uh...

I'm actually a friend of your...

Well, one of your daughters.

Only got the one that I'm aware of.

Yup, right, okay.

Well, I'm a friend of Aubrey's.

Uh-huh.

Yes, well,

may I speak with her, please?

Hello?

Aubrey?

Speaking.

Well, hey, it's Dave.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, hold on one second.

One second. Um...

Hi. What's up?

Oh, uh, well, nothing much, actually.

I just, uh--

I got home safely, so there's that.

Rest easy, I guess. Heh.

But I don't know, I just wanted

to make sure that, um, you were cool.

You know, that everything was cool with,

uh, you know...

Yeah.

Yeah, everything's cool?

Yeah .

Great. Good. Sweet.

Uh, well, okay. Um...

Well, hey, I also wanted to say, uh--

Well, or ask you.

What are you doing later?

Uh, I don't know.

Ha, ha.

I think I'm gonna go to a movie

with Ronny.

Ronny?

Ronny.

Ronny. Of course.

That's good. That's actually funny, though,

because I'm going to the movies tonight too.

Um, but we're going to Old Orchard.

Well, that's where I'm going.

Then I guess I'll see you.

Maybe.

All right. Well, cool.

Cool .

Later.

I think that went pretty well, right?

Can we finish this?

Listen.

I'm not gonna lecture you on parenting.

That's not my thing.

You stick to your area,

and I will stick to mine.

But let me just say this:

We all knew at some point

I was going to have a drink.

It's inevitable.

I am a teenager, and this is America,

and isn't it way better that I do it here,

alone in my room with a glass of wine,

rather than at some party, doing Jager

shots with some frat-boy date rapist?

Or when I could be killed

in, like, a fiery car accident?

Well?

Look, this isn't just about wine. This--

You spilled it. You... You...

Ugh. I don't even know.

What was the question again?

Can I go to the movies tonight, or are we

gonna punish me for being responsible?

Really?

You may go.

Good.

It was a good talk.

# Whoa, whoa #

# Oh, yeah, yeah #

# Whoa, whoa ##

How you doing?

Well, you know, I've been better.

I've had a really rough week,

emotionally.

And I'm telling you

because I might not be, like,

a ton of fun tonight or...

You've been crying.

Anyway-

How are you?

Fine.

This is so not cool.

What am I doing here, you know?

She's gonna think I'm stalking her

like some weird, creepy nerd.

Remember Aaron Finklestein?

Uh-huh.

That's gonna be me.

That's gonna be me.

God, the poor bastard

was never heard from again.

Then again,

I don't plan on raping anybody.

Don't look now, Iambchop.

This sh*t just got real.

No, okay--

Hey.

Mr. Daldly.

Jane.

B. Hey, where did you

disappear to last night?

I was looking for you.

Um, I was around.

I wanted us to have

one of our famous late-night talks.

So, what are you doing later?

Um, I don't know.

Daldly, what are we doing later?

Uh, no commitments.

We're keeping our options open. Although I

may have a lead for a party in La Mesa.

We could go to my house.

The parentals are in Cabo,

and I told those losers from Huntington

I may have people over.

Come on. What are we seeing?

Hey, Dave.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Um, I'm Jane.

Oh, I'm Aubrey.

This is Ronny.

What's up, dudes?

Hey, Daldly.

Yeah?

Come meet Aubrey

and her boyfriend, Ronny.

Her boyfriend, Ronny.

Oh, marvelous. I'm Simon Daldry

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