Facial for the First Time Page #4

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Pleasure to meet you both.

This is, uh, Brianna, Erica,

Big Corporation.

Wait, sorry?

It's a football thing.

It's what everyone calls him.

Big Corporation.

I get it.

It's funny because corporations

are destroying everything.

Like the environment, democracy,

culture, music.

It's ironic. I love it.

Right. We're gonna see

How the World Ends, yeah?

How about you guys?

Uh, the new Almodvar film.

Oh, actually, no.

Is it cool if we see

something else?

Oh. Heh.

She's so bashful. But don't be fooled.

She's a tigress when we're alone.

Whatever you want,

my little tiger cub.

You wanna go and see a dumb

kiddy movie, that's fine by me.

I just wanna be next to you tonight.

Yeah.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Mommy!

Not on my watch, you alien b*tch.

Come on, boys. Lock and load.

Hit them high, hit them low.

Suck on this.

Tell Mikey I love him

and I'll always love him.

You tell him yourself.

Run. Go. Run, run.

We've only got one shot at this.

Really wonderful film, huh?

Yeah. It's touching.

Hey, listen--

I'm sorry

that I made you jump off the roof.

That was nuts. And dangerous.

And I'm sorry if I was a little, like--

Ugh.

You know, on the phone.

I just-- I wig out a little sometimes.

Not that that's an excuse.

Give me your cell.

Uh... Oh.

Okay. And I forgive you.

So...

So.

So you're here with Jane.

She's really pretty.

Yeah, she's all right.

And she's sitting next to you

and she's holding your hand.

It kind of seems like she likes you.

No.

I don't know.

Okay.

I'm definitely having thoughts

about the sexy time with her, though.

Wow.

Definitely. So thanks for that.

Maybe that's good.

Take her off the pedestal.

Besides, that cheeseball

romance stuff?

That's strictly for Nicholas Sparks books

and commercials for De Beers.

It's like Zussman says, it's all biology.

Natural selection.

A female chooses

her strongest mate

so that her offspring have

a greater chance at survival.

Zussman?

Uh, Mr. Zussman.

He's my biology teacher.

Although I suppose

he's selling something too.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the strongest mate

in my particular gene pool,

Ugh.

but I guess we can give it shot, right?

Come on.

Confidence is sexy, Hodgman.

I know. That's what my mom

keeps telling me.

I should go back inside.

Yeah.

Well, hey,

Ronny seems like a cool guy.

Does he?

No.

Uh, well-- I mean, I can't tell yet.

Okay.

Hey, listen. Um...

A bunch of us were gonna go

to that girl's house after, to Brianna's.

Mm-hm.

Uh, I guess some other people too.

It's not like a party. It's just a thing.

Okay.

Yeah, let me talk to him.

Sweet. Talk to him.

I guess, uh,

enjoy the end of the world.

I wanna travel.

All right.

Last night you got me thinking

about what I wanna do,

and I definitely wanna travel.

Like, as a career?

Last summer I, uh, got to visit my uncle

and his boyfriend in Madrid.

One day I was just, like,

walking around and I got lost.

And, you know,

my cell phone was dead,

and I had no idea

where their apartment was.

Then I was worried I was gonna have to adapt

to life as a street person in Madrid.

Finally I just wandered out

into this plaza

and I sat by this fountain

and I just, like, breathed.

And I realized I had been so focused

on where I was going and getting back

that I hadn't even noticed

where I was.

I hadn't noticed anything.

And so I started to.

I started to notice, like,

the personality of the architecture

and, like,

The way people would just, like,

greet each other on the streets.

And even the sky looked, like,

different over there.

And it felt like I was just letting go

of something.

But also like I'm finally in the world.

Eventually, I found my way back,

but those few hours,

those were, like, the best.

It was the best pan of my trip,

and I just...

I wanna get back out there so bad.

There's so much stuff I wanna see.

Huh.

What?

Wow, that was so stupid.

No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry. That was weird.

It wasn't stupid. I just-- I was--

I was just listening to you,

and I wanna go with you.

Okay.

Hey, babe.

What am I, seeing this sh*t alone?

Yeah. I mean, no. No. No, heh.

I'm coming. Oh, and, uh, here.

Let me tell you guys something.

Something you don't know, because you

haven't really been out in the world yet.

But when you get to my age,

you'll realize that...

You know, that everything

is just bullshit.

Nobody cares about anything

except making money, you know?

Like dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

So some glorified little office boy,

junior-executive prick

is gonna tell the Joan Cusack

Experience our stuff isn't commercial?

Screw you, pal. No.

No, I mean, I can probably...

What is the Joan Cusack Experience?

I think it's the name of his band.

--to be an artist. You know,

he's an idiot. "Sir, you're an idiot."

That's why you just gotta

focus on the basics.

The fundamentals.

The simple things, you know?

The simple intricacies of life.

What are you thinking?

I think whoever said you should always

be yourself obviously never met Ronny.

Isn't this pool nuts?

I feel like we're at Hef's mansion.

I'm Jane.

Aubrey. We met.

Right. You know Dave.

Yeah. A little.

Do you, like,

like him?

Heh, what?

No. No, no. I, um...

No, I'm with, um...

that guy-

Oh. Wow.

He is gorgeous.

I mean, I like Dave as a friend.

He's cool.

No, Dave is amazing.

He's one of my best friends.

Definitely my best guy friend.

He's always been there for me, through

all my terrible relationships and sh*t,

and I can tell him anything.

He gives the best advice.

He's so smart.

You should see the way he is

with his sister.

His sister?

Yeah, she's 5.

Or maybe 6. But so, so cute.

And he's, like,

super involved in her life,

because I guess the dad

isn't really around or whatever.

Where is he?

It's just that most guys our age are

completely self-absorbed, you know?

Yeah, I know. And they never shut up.

Never, right?

God, I am so sick

of these arrogant jagweeds,

with their big stupid mouths

and their tiny little penises.

We're not talking about Dave anymore.

We're talking about Brendan Meltzer.

Is he a douche bag?

World's most humongous douche bag.

Like, officially.

And you know what the

really sick pan is? I knew it. I knew.

And I knew he was probably

gonna tell everyone that we--

Because I've pretty much heard about every single

girl he's hooked up with, so why would I be any--?

But anyway, I don't know.

All I want is once

for one of these boys to just, like,

ask me a question, you know?

Like my opinion or how I'm doing

or really anything.

Because at this point, if one of them

were to, like, open the door for me

or offer to buy dinner,

I would be so frigging shocked,

I would probably fall over.

You know,

sometimes it's just the guy

that you...

Sometimes what?

Hmm?

Weren't you...?

You were about to say something.

Was I?

No.

No, no. Well, heh, yes,

but now it's gone. Poof.

It was just, like, a second ago.

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