Facial for the First Time Page #5

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Yeah. Weird, right?

Yeah.

Hey.

You.

Dave.

So where did you meet my lady?

In an alley.

She's, uh, pretty great, huh?

What?

She's pretty great.

You know. Pretty, pretty, pretty great.

Yeah, she is.

I mean, I don't usually go for high school girls.

Too needy. Way too immature.

But this one,

you know, she's inspiring.

I'm actually writing a song

about her.

Well, about her knees.

We're gonna have sex tonight.

Yeah?

Yeah. We were supposed to do it

last weekend, but I got the flu.

Sure.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Dan, it's been a

long time coming, but we're finally doing it.

Gonna do it to it.

So where is this taking place?

Um, probably in my van.

Jesus.

Sh*t, I gotta move that kick drum.

Well, Ronny,

that sounds unforgettable.

Pretty, pretty unforgettable.

I'm, uh...

gonna go drain the Lil Wayne.

You never told me

you have a sister.

I guess it never came up.

She's my half sister, technically.

Her dad's not really

in our lives anymore anyway, so...

What about your dad?

Remarried. Lives in Stovington.

He's an endodontist.

Gives one hell of a root canal,

if you're ever in need.

You know, I just had this very

clear image in my head of you

and what your life was like

and your family.

And it turns out

that it was completely wrong.

Stupid of me to think that

I knew you after one night.

Please don't have sex with Ronny.

The guy is unbelievable.

Yeah. You can't lose

your virginity to him.

Why not?

Are you--? Are you kidding me?

You know,

it's not some beautiful thing.

It's not some treasure

that I have to guard

until I find the one

or the right person.

Because there is no right person.

There's just some dude.

Okay? And it happens, and it's a little

gnarly and kind of uncomfortable,

but one day,

one day it's gonna be terrific.

It's gonna be like crazy

porno-sex terrific.

So I just gotta get from here to there

safely and on my own terms.

And I know that Ronny is safe because I

have my own copy of his test results.

So would you please, please just tell me

why I can't go and get it over with?

You know, I think it's finding

the right person that makes it special.

Okay? But it sure as sh*t is not that guy.

Okay.

You know what, Dave? Heh.

You-- You are in love with Jane.

You're in love with her.

You are in love with her smile and her hair

tucking and her annoyingly perfect olive skin.

I mean, who has skin like that?

It's ridiculous. It's, like, per--

You've got great skin.

Yeah, well, thank you.

But that's because I work

really hard at my skin, okay?

I'm on a first-name basis

with my dermatologist.

If there's a problem,

then Phyllis and I, we deal with it.

But that's not the point here.

That's not the point.

The point is that you are

infatuated with Jane.

So I'm gonna go do Ronny.

Why are you smiling?

You dig me.

No. No. Heh, please.

Oh, so, what, you're like this

confident, cocky guy now?

You're that guy?

I guess.

Right.

And that's not just because your mom

and I said that you should be more...

confident?

I don't know. Maybe.

What do you think?

I just...

I think that you should probably--

Aubrey. We gotta go.

Uh, okay, yeah, one minute.

No, right now. We're leaving.

Are you even sober enough to drive?

I'm fine.

Or I could give you a ride.

Just mind your business, Dan.

Okay. You know what I think?

I think that you know my name

is actually Dave.

Kind of like how I know yours

is actually Dick.

Ow. It's fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'll gonna kill this b*tch. I'll kick the living

sh*t out of you. The living sh*t, my friend.

You pretentious little

Belle and Sebastian--

Whoa, little man.

Stop! Everyone, just calm down.

Behave.

I wanna make him cry.

All right, Ronny.

Chill.

I've never done this before,

but I'm gonna kick your ass.

That's right. I'm not kidding, buddy.

What are you people doing in here?

I told you, living room is off-limits.

We're leaving.

Good.

Yeah, good.

Wait, what? You're leaving?

I'm gonna go with him.

Ronny.

Goodbye.

Whatever. We shouldn't even be here.

We should not even be here.

Children.

You okay? Somebody said

you were in a fight or something.

Not quite.

Well, I am a little tipsy. Heh.

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, so that girl, your friend,

she's super cute, right?

Yeah, super cute.

Is she still here?

No, they left.

Right. With her boyfriend.

Who is a hottie, by the way.

Not that that's...

Well, I don't care about

that kind of stuff anymore.

I am over boys.

They all suck. Heh.

Especially the hotties.

Heh.

Yeah, you've said that before.

Many times.

No, this time I mean it.

Last night I did

the stupidest thing ever.

I was so wasted, and we couldn't stop

laughing about this thing.

Anyway, the cops showed up, and he

asked me if I needed a ride home--

Do you know what

"homogenized" means?

What?

Homogenized.

Uh...

It's a kind of milk, isn't it?

Homogenized milk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's going on with you?

Something's weird.

You know what? I'm just feeling--

What?

Jane...

Janey...

I'm gonna go

What?

But I was just telling you about...

Don't you wanna talk?

No, not tonight.

I'll see you on Monday, okay?

Okay.

"You dig me."

"You dig me"? Oh, my God.

What, was that supposed to be cute?

Yeah. Yes, it was. Yep.

Those were my intentions.

Those were my intentions. Did she buy it?

Nope. Mm-mm-mm. No, sir.

How could she?

"You dig me." Who--? Nobody--

I've never heard anyone say that.

God, that's-- Ugh.

God.

# The things we used to do #

# When the nightmare wouldn't end #

# Turn up the sight of you #

# And feel it all again #

# The posters on the wall #

I broke up with Ronny.

# That were our only friends #

I didn't do it for you.

I know.

But it's totally your fault.

Right.

You know, this doesn't mean that I can

jump into some relationship with you.

Okay.

I mean, I don't even know

if I'm gonna feel this way tomorrow.

Well, I guess, then, we're just gonna

have to drive around all night.

I could be into that.

# Let's go out tonight #

# And do something that's wrong #

# 'Cause I don't feel all right #

# When disaster's gone #

# Anne with an E #

# You're everything to me ##

Oh, my God.

Is that the same...?

Holy sh*t. From last night.

Those kids.

I think I might be sick.

I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me? Don't be. Never.

You never have to apologize to me.

I don't know why I'm...

Sh*t.

It's scaly stuff.

Sometimes everything seems really...

harsh.

I don't think I can handle it.

Or I don't know if I'm gonna be...

you know, strong enough...

to be on my own.

Oh, what?

You will be.

You are, you know. Trust me.

And you're not gonna

be on your own.

I mean, you've got your family

and you've got--

Okay.

Yeah.

I should, um, really go inside now.

I think you should too.

I'm going to.

All right, then, go.

In a second. Don't rush me.

So I'll call you tomorrow?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Heh.

Heh.

Whew.

Yeah. I mean, you don't have to.

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