Failure to Launch Page #2

You met a guy today.

As a matter of fact, I did.

He's cute, too.

I met a guy today, too.

Really?

He's a radiologist.

Well, that's a step up.

He offered to give me a full-body scan

next week, free of charge.

Those don't come cheap, you know.

I know. I'm pretty excited about it.

How cute?

Cute.

Well, Tripp's a really nice guy.

He's smart, he's sweet, he's funny.

We had a wonderful first meeting.

I see incredible potential here.

So all systems are go?

Based on the initial

personality assessment,

I think that I can have your son

moved out of this house

and living on his own by June 15th.

Hallelujah!

Well, you know, you'd be amazed

at how many adult children

are still living at home.

Now, it's my opinion that the root cause

is a lack of self-esteem.

Oh, Oprah talks about that all the time.

Oprah don't know crap!

Heck, when I was growing up,

nobody had self-esteem,

and we turned out fine.

You're a rock, Al.

You make me a better woman.

Look, many young men who should

be able to move out, simply can't.

It's called "failure to launch."

And that's where I come in.

Young men develop self-esteem best

during a romantic relationship,

so I simulate one.

We have a memorable meeting.

We get to know each other

over a few casual meals,

he helps me through

an emotional crisis,

then I meet his friends,

if he has any,

then I let him teach me something...

But the bottom line is,

he bonds with me.

He lets go of you.

He moves out.

But how do you make sure

that he'll fall in love with you?

You look nice,

you find out what they like,

and then you pretend to like it, too.

That is pretty much how it works.

What about sex?

Al, I never have sex with a client.

Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated,

and let's face it, after men have sex...

Is there anything that we need to do?

Well, for starters, you could make life

a little more difficult for him.

You know, more chores,

more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

I just think you should know that Tripp

has had some rough breaks.

I promise you, when this is over,

Tripp is going to be an independent,

self-sufficient adult.

Shut up, dude! Don't help him!

- Watch the safety. No, no, no.

- No, he's in a run defense...

Don't do it! Don't do it! I got you!

I got you!

- Throw it to Moss. Throw it to Moss!

- Watch out! I'm going deep!

No, you don't! Sh*t!

That's a bad word, Jeffrey.

So is "bastard," but that just means

your parents aren't married.

- Look at him! Look at him!

- No! Sh*t!

He could go all the way!

Touchdown!

Yes!

- Sit down!

- That's a face!

That's great, man.

That's good sportsmanship.

Nice dance.

Wow, my forehead itches.

That's cool, the "L" for loser.

Keep it up, little man.

I'll make you walk home.

Hell, you are such a good uncle.

That's like eight miles.

It'll take you two days.

- Hey, boys.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Tripp, we're going out.

All right, listen, you got any more

chips and salsa downstairs?

Oh, I didn't get to the store.

But you could go.

And you said you needed

your basketball shorts,

so I put them in the laundry.

- Right. Thank you, babe.

- But I didn't get to it.

So you're going to need to do a load.

A load?

And your bathroom needs cleaning,

so I left the stuff in the hall.

And when you're done

with the rubber gloves,

just remember to turn them inside out.

Bye.

Something's wrong with your mom.

This is really nice.

I've never actually been

on a sailboat before.

Hey, I'd be fine

if I never set foot on solid ground again.

You know, I bet I'd really love it

if we ever left the dock.

Well, yeah!

But to actually take you out on the water

on a first date

would be very forward of me, Paula.

Well, so far I must say

I'm very impressed.

Beautiful setting, a simple meal...

I assume this technique

has worked in the past?

Yes, ma'am, it has.

Is it working now?

You know what? It kind of is.

Let's go for a walk.

But I'm not done with lunch.

Yeah, you are.

Seriously, I'm not one of those girls

who don't eat. I want...

I wanted all of that.

See, technically, this is not my boat.

Actually, it's not my boat in any way.

- What?

- I'm a boat broker. I sell boats.

I would love to own a boat like this,

but it's not the right time in my life.

Besides, the guy

who does own this boat

is right behind you.

Hey there, Mr. Axelrod!

I thought you were out of town!

Well, I was, and now I'm not.

What's going on? Is that a fork?

Are you eating on my boat?

No.

When did you redo the galley?

Oh, you're in the market?

Might be. What's she draw?

Seven-three.

Cherry's a little dark.

The wife picked it.

It's got nice lines.

She's fast, too.

Well, she certainly is yare.

I'll think about it. Thanks for your time.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

You're gonna let her walk away?

I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod.

Now,

I'm going after her.

Excuse me, ma'am.

"She certainly is yare"?

Philadelphia Story.

Sweet.

All right, assuming

that pretending to own a yacht

was a brilliant, romantic,

yet ultimately flawed idea,

how do you see the rest of the date

playing out?

I don't know. I'm so hungry I can't think.

Seagulls ate my lunch.

What if I take you to a restaurant?

Are you gonna pretend to own it?

No. All the restaurants I own

are in Europe.

Well, hey there, Ace.

Glad you could make it, man.

We thought you went home.

I fell into a deep, dark crevasse.

I was so scared.

Did you go out with La-Z-Girl?

Paula. I did. We had lunch.

Will there be a second date?

There will be a second date.

Yet the relationship

is doomed to failure.

Right. And why are we doomed?

You live with your parents?

He's right.

Your entire life is set up perfectly

for ending relationships.

We've been out one time.

She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy,

we had fun.

And I must tell you, son,

nothing is doomed.

Gnarly crash!

What are you doing?

Remember, we're the visitors here.

Come on.

- Wow. You're feeding it a little peanut?

- Yeah.

He gets that stuff all the time, man.

This is what he wants.

You want a treat from the big city, boy?

He's not a child, Tripp.

Look how peaceful he is.

Come here, little boy.

You want a little bit of chocolate,

baby-boo-boo?

You're giving him a PowerBar?

Everybody loves chocolate.

Tripp, he's saying no.

Look into my eyes.

He's saying no, Tripp.

Tripp? Tripp? Dude?

Get off!

What is he doing? Is that a squirrel?

No, it's a chipmunk.

Watch the bike.

Oh, hey. I'm Tripp.

You must be Kit.

It's a mockingbird.

Who did what?

It's a mockingbird.

What is?

You don't hear that?

That annoying noise.

Oh, yeah, now I hear it.

I looked it up.

They can imitate car alarms,

and telephones, and other birds.

I called Animal Control,

and you know what they said?

They said I should just enjoy

one of nature's most talented singers.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna kill it.

Okay, I'm all set.

- Oh, wow.

- Hi.

Wow, look at you.

Well, look at you.

Sweet shoes.

Really? Thanks.

Okay, well, Kit, we're gonna go.

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