Failure to Launch Page #8

You know, when we first met Paula,

when we hired her, I...

I didn't want you to go.

For years, I've been dreading

the day you'd leave

and I always thought

it was 'cause I'd miss you so much.

Then I realized that

that was only part of it.

I didn't want you to leave because

being alone with your father

freaks the living sh*t out of me.

- What?

- I'm terrified, Tripp!

And it's not just about the Naked Room.

Since your father retired, I just...

I'm used to having you here.

Like a buffer, you know?

Somebody to talk to

when your father's all

moody and sullen, and...

Now I'm...

We're just gonna have to

get to know each other all over again.

And...

What?

What if he doesn't like me?

Hey.

You still love him, right?

Against all odds.

Then you'll figure it out.

Come here.

Hey.

You're gonna miss me.

That's true.

I called you all here together

because obviously we have a situation.

I know we all feel some responsibility,

but this isn't about blame,

it's about finding a solution.

Two people we love are hurting.

So let's put on our thinking caps.

Man, this shirt feels

like it weighs 100 pounds.

Albert!

Okay, how about this?

We send flowers to Paula from Tripp,

and flowers to Tripp from Paula.

- Then what?

- Then they love each other.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Because of the flowers!

Thank you, Phillip.

Now, let's all try to come up with a plan

that's not so idiotic.

Hey.

Listen,

I went through all the CDs,

but if you end up with some of mine

or I end up with some of yours,

let's just call it even, okay?

Okay, sure.

Okay.

I hate this.

I know. I do, too.

So...

So let's just get it over with, then.

Okay, look, I know I'm a girl

and I'm supposed to be better

at this emotional crap

but I'm not, so I'm just gonna say it.

I'm sorry that I pointed out to you

that you fell in love with a client

and that made you go crazy

and turn into a total b*tch.

Wow.

That must've been really hard

for you to say.

I thought it was going to be, but I just

kind of breezed right through it.

Well, thanks.

And I'm sorry that I pointed out

that you haven't had a real relationship

for the last five years

because I'm the only person

who can tolerate

your bizarre and violent mood swings.

Oh, thank you!

Goodbye.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, I'm going to miss you, too.

Can I at least give you

a ride to the airport?

Sure.

On the way, let's stop at Phillip's,

so I can give you back

that sweater of yours that you lost.

Wow! This is fantastic!

- Yeah, it's pretty great.

- Wow.

At this point, we're just waiting

for his mom to kick it

so we can move upstairs.

That is a lovely sentiment.

Go, go, go, go!

Hey!

Kit! What are you...

Oh, hi, fellas.

- Look in the closet.

- Hey, just look

- Yeah.

...right in the closet.

Why?

- Huh?

- Go, go, go, go, go!

Wait! What are you guys doing?

Sorry. I tried to do it fast

so it wouldn't hurt.

You were concerned about hurting me?

That's a refreshing change of pace.

Listen, I say there's no downside.

They already hate each other.

I wonder how they're doing.

Whoa, whoa, hold on just a second.

Let's check, shall we?

Okay, watch this.

Is this how it's gonna be?

'Cause your note says,

"Hi, we need to talk."

Yeah, I wrote that.

Right after I tied myself to the chair

and covered my mouth with duct tape.

- So you don't want to talk.

- To you?

I'll pass.

I can't see her face.

Do you have any other angles?

Of course I have angles. Check it out.

I installed 27 cameras that cover

every inch of the apartment.

- Were these up last night?

- Yeah.

No.

I helped tie the knots.

The one on his feet

is called an Anchor Hitch.

I could get out of those ropes.

You can't get out

of your barbecue apron.

This is ridiculous,

not to mention juvenile.

We can't just sit here

and not say anything.

All right, fine. I'll start.

I think you're being a jackass.

I think those pants make you look fat,

but in a sexy...

- I don't get it.

- I told you this was a stupid idea.

Hey.

We should have done the flowers.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

She's going to say something.

Tripp, I apologize.

My job was manipulative and deceitful.

But the second that I found out

about Amy, I was gonna end it.

But I never got the chance,

because you found out first.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

Come on.

You don't want to say anything?

- You know, I do have a question.

- Absolutely. Anything.

How many others were there?

Before me.

I'm just asking, 'cause, you know,

maybe we could all get together.

You know, form a support group.

And if there already is a group,

I'm curious,

is it a small group,

like a basketball team?

Or is it a big group,

like the Chinese?

Wow. Somebody's a little cranky today.

Tripp, your mother was still making you

pancakes for breakfast.

And it's not as if

I waltzed into your life unbidden.

Your parents called me.

Your life was in

an extended stall pattern.

I wish I could talk to guys like that.

Well, it's easier when the guy is tied up.

No, I've talked to guys tied up before.

You want to talk about my life?

What about your life?

Hey, but maybe I shouldn't judge.

I'm sure there's some reason

that you turned out to be a soul-sucking,

Labrador-retriever-killing harpy.

I don't get it.

How does the dog fit into it?

- Good question.

- Can you turn it up?

Well, they're laptop speakers, so...

Unless...

I was doing fine before you showed up.

All right? I was having fun.

Oh, and I just ruined everything!

So is that why you tried

to break up with me?

Or actually, you didn't.

You just trotted out your parents

so that I would have

to break up with you.

- Oh, snap!

- That got his attention!

That's right, you call her on her sh*t,

she's gonna call you on yours!

What are you going to do, baby?

Are you gonna cry?

Sorry.

Why would you do that?

Because

you gave me "the look."

- Not "the look."

- Why are you bringing up "the look"?

What's "the look"?

The look that says, "Hey, I like you."

Oh, wow.

That must've been horrible for you.

Do I do "the look"?

Well, yeah.

Well, no.

I never meant to hurt you.

I believe that.

But what do I know about you?

I mean, the entire amount of time

we spent together was just a big scam.

I found a woman I cared about,

and she turned out to be a total fraud.

Do you have real feelings?

Of course I have real feelings.

- For what?

- For you!

And believe me, I did not want that,

because I had a good life before you.

Well, not good, but it was okay.

Well, it was empty, actually,

but at least I was blissfully unaware

of how miserable I was!

Whereas now, because of you,

I am acutely aware

of how completely

and totally unhappy I am!

Thank you for that.

I don't usually like reality TV shows,

but this is so emotional.

Are you crying?

Come on, Tripp.

He's moving.

He's rolling. Here we go.

He's making a move! All right!

He's moving his feet! He's rolling!

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