Failure to Launch Page #7

especially since we didn't have sex.

Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.

Get the f*** out of my car.

Oh, God.

So your parents gave her money.

My grandparents

give my baby-sitter money

and I still like her.

Well, good for you, Captain.

Hey, can we talk about something else?

Fine. The 32 is nice.

But I think I see myself more in a 37.

What do you think?

Don't buy a boat, dude.

I love... boats.

No, you don't love boats.

You love the idea of a boat.

But the reality is,

they're just a drain on your time,

your wallet, and your emotions.

And in the end,

she will break your heart.

You see, because no matter how much

you care for her,

she's got no feelings for you.

I mean, look at her, she's a boat.

She's wood.

So forget buying a boat.

You want to feel pain?

You're better off

slamming your hand in a car door.

You see, that's the stuff that screams,

"I live with my mother."

- What?

- I mean it.

I'm telling you as a friend.

You bring that weak stuff

to the playground,

you won't last 10 minutes.

Thank you very much for giving me

a few minutes of your time.

- Why don't you sit down?

- No, no, no, thank you.

No, I just want to give you this.

- What is it?

- It's your money.

I'm returning it.

I know it doesn't fix anything.

I know that nothing can,

but given the circumstances,

I don't feel good keeping it, so...

Really, please take it.

Okay.

What?

This has never happened before.

I want you to know that.

He seemed like an open-and-shut case.

I guess I was overly confident.

I don't know. And he...

He won't return

any of my phone calls, and I...

I keep replaying it over and over

in my mind. I just...

I don't know where I...

You're in love with our son.

Hey, come on, we're gonna go

rock climbing. Get in the car.

No.

You've been moping around here

for two weeks.

Come on, get in.

Nah.

Tripp! Come on, it's unlocked.

It wants you to get in.

Come on. Get in the car, Tripp.

Isn't this great, guys?

How you doing up there, Tripp?

- You feeling it?

- Yeah, baby.

This is a nice rock.

- Aren't you glad we came?

- Yeah.

Doing good. This is having fun.

Aren't we?

You guys want any carrots?

Tripp, you should call Paula.

- She wants to see you.

- That's enough, Demo!

A little slack, Ace!

Here you go.

Belay on.

You know, she's hurting, too.

She's miserable, Tripp.

Let it go, guys.

Ace!

My bad.

I once knew a specialist used to send

some of his patients to me.

All they needed was a little push.

Look, Paula, this has to stop.

You don't sleep,

and the only thing I've seen you eat

in the last three days

is a bag of Mint Milanos.

Well, don't worry about me.

I'll be gone in a couple of weeks.

What? Where are you going?

I'm moving back to Colorado.

What are you gonna do in Colorado?

- I haven't figured it out.

- Well, that's stupid.

I mean, what are you gonna do

until you figure it out?

Move in with your parents?

Oh. That's so wrong.

Don't judge me, okay?

I mean, you, of all people?

Pretty funny.

You know what?

I'm the one who's in a real relationship!

You're the one who lies for a living!

You think you're so smart,

but you don't know anything!

Did you really think

you'd never get caught?

You could've been happy

but you blew it.

Now you try to act

like it's everyone else's fault,

but it's all you.

And now you think

Colorado's the answer?

You know, Kit,

just because you finally convinced a guy

to sleep with you more than once

doesn't make you

an expert on relationships.

- Tripp!

- Tripp!

Come on up, buddy.

- Tripp!

- Tripp?

Hey! Hey, buddy!

Come up. There you are.

- Is he...

- Hey.

Hey, guys.

You were bitten by a chuckwalla.

That shouldn't have happened.

It's a reptile of peace.

I have a theory.

This isn't the first time

that nature's lashed out at you like this.

I believe it's because your life

is fundamentally at odds

with the natural world.

- Huh?

- Therefore, nature rejects you.

You're insane.

Can I have some water?

- Yeah.

- Right here.

- Here we go.

- Okay, okay, easy.

Look, I've been all over the world.

You're the only human to my knowledge

who's been bitten by a dolphin,

a chipmunk, and a vegetarian lizard

in the same calendar year.

And you haven't been

a very good friend, either.

Do you realize that not once

have you asked me

about my relationship with Kit?

Dude, did you just drop me

from a 40-foot cliff?

I mean, you want

to talk about a friend, man,

you went behind my back,

and blackmailed your way

into getting your girlfriend.

He's right.

- I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.

- It's okay.

Granted, he used you,

but not out of malice.

Look at him.

How many chances is he gonna get?

He saw a chance for love, Tripp,

and he took it.

Which is exactly

what we wanted for you.

Am I getting advice

from my two loser buddies

who still live at home?

Actually, I own my home.

- What?

- No, you don't.

I bought it a couple of years ago

from my mom.

That way, she has a place to live

and I don't get nailed

on the inheritance tax.

- Smart.

- Wow.

And Demo, here, has chosen

the life of a wanderer.

I mean, sure,

he technically still lives at home.

- Yeah.

- But his permanent address

is in his heart.

He's a bum.

I think what we're trying to say

is that the two of us are happy

and we're perfectly functional.

And you, Tripp, are not.

Mom?

Pop?

Yeah, baby!

Hey, Pop.

Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?

Just came by to get some stuff.

What are you doing?

Feeding my fish.

Yeah. I see that.

You're naked. In my room.

Well, this is my Naked Room.

I mean, it's my house.

A man ought to be able to do whatever

he wants to do in his own house.

Wore a suit for 40 years.

- So now we got 40 years of...

- No suit.

No suit.

All right.

I'm gonna let you get back

to feeding your fish.

Thanks for stopping by.

Hey, Pop? Seriously, man,

was it that bad having me around?

Don't be an idiot, Son.

Your mom and I love you.

Then why didn't you

just say something?

All you had to do was tell me.

You needed time

after Amy had passed away, Tripp.

And who knows how much time is right?

Is it two years? Is it six years?

Then I ran into Bud and Bev Nestor,

and they'd worked with Paula.

And their son is really happy now.

Lives in Seattle, I think.

Married an Indian girl.

Anyway, it just seemed easier.

Easier.

All right.

Hey, man,

I gotta say, I like

what you've done with the place.

Yeah, I like it. I love you, Son.

I love you, too. Shake on it.

Why don't you get back

to scaring those fish, buddy? Huh?

All right.

Come back anytime, Son.

Come here. Bucket. Bucket.

- Hey, Mom.

- Tripp.

You see what's going on upstairs?

Pop's naked, in his Naked Room.

I know. He's always wanted one.

He tried to take over the dining room

until I convinced him

that the first floor was problematic.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Just came by to pick up some clothes.

I'm sorry.

It was a lousy thing to do.

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