Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned

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1

[theme music]

[crowd cheering]

[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned.

Now, please welcome to stage,

Fakkah Fuzz!

[cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering]

What is up?

[laughing]

[Fuzz] Whoo!

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

How many non-Malays in the house?

Make some noise.

[audience cheering]

How many Malays in the house?

Make some noise.

[loud cheer]

All right, all right, all right,

we gotta be nice.

Because this is an international filming,

so there's white people over here.

They gotta know who we are, all right?

So, hello. Hi.

Sir, you're obviously not from Singapore.

My name is Fuzz.

I am a Malay from Singapore.

If you are wondering what this is,

this is what a Singaporean

was supposed to look like. Okay?

[audience laughing]

No.

Oh, man.

It's hard, isn't it, man?

We tried to travel the world

and try to tell people that we are Malay,

but we cannot do that, because why?

Every country you go to,

there is a race

that looks like you, right?

Right, you cannot be exotic

if you are a Malay. You know, huh?

If you go to the Philippines,

you're Filipino, right?

If you go to Thailand, you're Thai, right?

If you go to the U.S., you are deported.

Do you know what I'm saying?

[all laughing]

Any Malaysians in the house?

-[man #1] Yeah!

-[Fuzz] Yeah!

[in Malay] Oh, you guys are up there!

What am I going on about?

[laughs]

Malaysia, man. You know... Malaysia is a great place, okay?

But there are some things in Malaysia

that they are good at,

that we are not good at.

We have to admit that, all right?

And this... Whenever I come to Singapore,

no, whenever they come to Singapore,

right, and I go to Malaysia,

I can see the differences.

For example,

crime.

We are not very good in crime, okay?

Give that to the Malaysians, right?

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckles]

They're good, they're good.

They're very good at it.

I give you the same crime...

[audience chuckling]

First of all, I didn't know

how dangerous Malaysia was.

I didn't know, okay? I didn't know.

My friends told me, they said, "Fuzz,

don't walk down the streets

of Bukit Bintang at night,

it is dangerous."

I said, "Bro, I am Malay.

Bro, if I ever get robbed,

I can get my money back.

It's probably my cousin. No problem."

[laughter]

I got robbed at knifepoint, you know, huh.

And they all say, "Don't walk down here,

it's quite dangerous.

Don't walk down here,

it's quite dangerous," right?

And I got robbed at knifepoint.

And it's not the fact that I got robbed

that was weird,

it's after the guy robbed me.

He said, "You better be careful over here,

quite dangerous." I'm like...

[audience laughing]

Crime can't work in Malaysia, man.

It cannot.

It cannot work in Malaysia

the same way it works in Singapore.

It can't. I give you the same crime.

Both in Singapore,

and Malaysia, and I'll tell you

why it doesn't work, right.

What is the crime that's very common?

Snatch theft by motorcycle, okay?

Snatch theft by motorcycle.

This is if it's in Malaysia.

There is a pillion, there's a rider,

and there's an unsuspecting woman.

[in Malay]

"Okay, bro. Are you ready, bro?"

I just assumed he's Malay. I assumed.

[audience laughing]

Based on general headlines, okay?

[in Malay]

"Okay, bro. Are you ready, bro?"

"Okay, bro, get the b*tch's purse, bro.

Get the b*tch's purse."

"Go, go, go!"

[imitates whooshing]

You will never see

that person ever again, right?

In Singapore, it's a bit different.

Pillion, rider, girl.

"Okay, bro, get the b*tch's purse, bro.

Get the b*tch's purse."

"Go, go, go! Hey, why did you stop?"

"Traffic light, bro."

[audience laughing]

But, ladies and gentlemen,

it is a good time

to be a Malay in Singapore,

I must say,

because our president is Malay!

[audience cheering]

[Fuzz chuckling]

Because it's great, right?

And, at first, when we heard

that the presidential candidate

was reserved for a Malay,

this is how the Malay community

responded in Singapore.

"Look, we don't need your handouts, okay?

We don't function

on race-based politics like..."

[gibbers]

Okay?

"Right, we are a meritocracy.

If we want to make it to presidency,

it must be on merit.

Not because we are of a certain race.

So we don't care if it's Malay, Chinese,

Indian, others.

As long as the person deserves the job,

the person should get the job."

Correct or not? Right?

Right. And then they say,

"You're not gonna take it?"

"No, no, yes, we are.

But we're very upset."

[laughter]

Because, ladies and gentlemen,

it's a very good time to be Malay,

right now that Halimah is president.

Oh, my god, every good thing

that happens in Singapore,

we blame it on Halimah, you know, huh?

"The weather is good today."

"Halimah, bro."

"Wow, there's sambal belacan today."

"Halimah, bro."

"You're 20 minutes late for work today."

"I don't care. Halimah, bro."

[chuckles]

Like I said, ladies and gentlemen,

being Malay in Singapore is great.

You know, but racism starts

very early, right?

When they ask you

about your ambitions in school,

when they ask an Indian guy, they go,

"Rajah, what do you want to be in school?"

Rajah, the kid says,

"I want to be a lawyer." You know?

Ask, "Mei-ling, what do you want to be

when you grow up?"

You know, Mei-ling says,

"Oh, I want to be an accountant."

Ask the Malay person,

"What you want to be

before you go to jail?"

I'm like, "Hey, come on."

[laughing]

But Chinese people,

I know you guys are here,

but you guys are racists sometimes,

and you don't even know it.

You don't even know it.

Yeah, you don't even know it.

Like, my friend came up to me

and went, "Fuzz, Fuzz.

I am very jealous...

of all y'all Malay couple, you know.

Because me and my wife

are married for five years."

He goes, "Me and my wife,

married for five years, cannot get baby."

A Malay couple who are married for a year,

baby is already nine years old."

I'm like, "Come on, man."

[audience chuckling]

But our president is Malay,

ladies and gentlemen.

Our president is Malay,

and it's a Malay auntie.

Okay?

[audience laughing]

[Fuzz] So, you know...

global discussions are gonna be

very, very easy. Okay?

We are going to win

all of the discussions.

Right? Because nobody guilt-trips you

more than a Malay auntie, okay?

[loud laughter]

Nobody!

[applause]

You can be sitting down in the conference.

Everybody looking at the Malay auntie

going, "Singapore, we do not agree

with your ways.

This is not right, Singapore.

You are wrong."

And the Malay auntie can go,

[in Malay]

"Sure, I'm not as smart as you all are.

[loud laughter]

[in Malay]

Who am I anyway?

I am not educated like all of you."

[chuckles]

Saying that it's not right for a Malay.

Saying that it's not right

because we didn't vote them in.

Huh? What is the president's job

in Singapore?

Shows up at National Day for 20 minutes,

and sits down at the house

for the rest of the year.

That is a perfect job for a Malay. Okay?

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