Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #2

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[laughter]

Any Malay would love to do that!

[chuckles]

Oh, my god.

And you know she will be with her friends

on the phone all the time, right?

Now, Singapore, we're gonna have

all the intel from all over the world. Because an auntie is president, okay?

[in Malay] "Do you want to know

what China said yesterday?

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] Yes. I'm not trying to say

bad things about them.

[in Malay]

But their child is such a b*tch.

[in Malay]

I'm not trying to b*tch about them."

How is it? I don't understand this!

I don't understand.

Just wait till the show comes out.

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckles]

I don't understand how the aunties can go,

"I am not talking bad about you,

but I will proceed

to talk bad about you, right?"

[chuckles]

Oh, man.

Oh, I love it.

Imagine... Imagine cleaning up Singapore

when a Malay auntie is president.

That is gonna be so bad, right?

Cleaning up Singapore

is going to be such a hassle.

Because the Malay auntie, man...

Have your mom ever cleaned up your...

You know she's not gonna shut up

when she cleans your house, right?

When a Malay auntie Halimah

cleans the streets,

[in Malay]

"If I don't do it, no one else will.

[in Malay]

I'm your maid, aren't I?"

[laughter]

Oh, man.

You think Halimah

has that Malay mother's sneeze, man?

You know how... I mean, I don't think

it exists only in Malay mothers.

I think it exists

in all mothers, you know.

You know mothers

have two sneeze voices, right?

Two sneeze voices. You know

what I'm talking about, right, huh?

Mothers, when they are outside,

in a social setting like this,

all these aunties, aunties,

whenever they sneeze, they go...

[imitates soft sneeze]

[laughter]

[imitates soft sneeze]

But at home, it's like...

[imitates loud sneeze]

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] And you go,

"Gosh, I thought somebody died!"

[laughter]

[Fuzz] Oh.

It's weird, it's weird, it's weird.

But it's nice to be here,

ladies and gentlemen.

I must say, okay,

being a Malay brother,

I see a lot of Chinese people,

I don't mean to rip on you all, okay?

[in Mandarin]

Don't worry. Don't be surprised.

[in Mandarin] Don't feel weird

looking at a Malay performing.

[in Mandarin]

I'm not here to steal your stuff.

[in Mandarin] I'm just here

to entertain you with my jokes, okay?

Don't be surprised I know Mandarin.

You know what they say,

you have to know your enemy. [audience laughing]

I'm kidding.

[chuckling]

I love Chinese people.

I had a friend in school,

his name is Wei-xiong, okay?

And I am one of the Malay boys

who is very, very thankful

of my Chinese friend Wei-xiong.

Because if it wasn't for Wei-xiong,

I would not have made it

to primary school.

Because I would copy his homework,

every day of the week, okay?

And Wei-xiong is very good. "Copy, copy.

Can, can, can. Copy, copy. Can, right?"

Right, I would copy his homework

every day, right.

And I would always get detention

because I used to copy his homework

all the time.

But Wei-xiong never got detention.

Until one day, Wei-xiong got detention.

He sat next to me.

I looked at Wei-xiong,

Wei-xiong looked at me.

I asked him, "Wei-xiong,

why are you in detention?

He says, "I said lan jiao in class."

For those of you who don't know

what lan jiao is,

lan jiao means "penis" in Hokkien, okay?

"I said lan jiao in class."

I turned to him, I said,

"Wow, that's some gangster sh*t, man."

[chuckles]

Right? Just then, the teacher walks in,

"Wei-xiong, I am very disappointed

in you, okay?

I have already called your father,

and your father is on the way right now.

Wei-xiong, you wait, you wait,

you wait!" Right?

[chuckles]

And then, just then, the father comes in.

The father says, "Why?

Why is my son being punished? Why? Why?

The teacher says,

"Your son said lan jiao in class."

The father said to his son,

[in Chinese]

"F*** your mother, you c*nt!"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

It starts from home.

Oh, man.

A lot of weird sh*t is happening

in Singapore, ladies and gentlemen.

A lot of weird sh*t is happening

in Singapore, right?

For example, not too long ago,

China just said, "We don't wanna

be friends with you, Singapore.

We don't wanna be friends

with Singapore anymore."

You know, they had a whole conference

in China,

and they did not invite Singapore.

That's some 14-year-old

passive-aggressive sh*t.

"I've got a party, I'm not inviting you."

Passive-aggressive sh*t, right?

And it was big news in Singapore.

They said, "What?

China is not our friend anymore?

Oh, no! They had a whole conference

and they did not invite us."

And it was big news. Do you know why?

Because for the first time ever

in Singapore,

the majority of Singapore

knows what it feels like

to be discriminated

by Chinese people, okay?

[Fuzz laughing]

They were like,

"Oh, that's how it feels like."

Then they had that whole competition

called The Voice.

You remember that? Huh?

Online, there was a whole

singing competition called The Voice.

They said, "The Voice, huh?

It's in Mandarin.

Why is it in Mandarin? Huh?"

And everybody was like,

"It's a Mandarin show.

Of course, it's sung in Mandarin."

Which is okay.

What I like... I didn't mind that.

What I didn't like was the fact

that my Chinese friends came up to me,

"Instead of you being mad

that it is a Mandarin singing show,

you all should learn Mandarin,

so that you guys can sing Mandarin songs."

I said, "Okay, can.

Then, you learn how to sing

'Majulah Singapura' properly."

[audience cheering]

I have never met a Chinese person

that can sing the Singapore

national anthem properly, okay?

I have never met...

[in Malay]

Come, fellow Singaporeans

[in Malay]

Let us progress together

[in Malay]

Come, let us unite

[in Malay]

With a new spirit

Do you wanna know

what mayat means in Malay, brother?

Mayat means "dead body," you know, huh.

So, "Let us unite

with a brand-new dead body."

What the hell is that?

[laughter]

[Fuzz] Crazy.

What I like about this crowd,

when I'm looking at this crowd,

is there's a lot of diversities

in this crowd, right?

There is a black man over there.

I see you, black man.

Holla at you for a minute, you know.

I like it, right.

I mean, I try to talk black all the time

because I watch a lot of Def Jam,

but I can't.

I can't. You guys are too cool.

I can't translate that to Malay.

That's all I'm saying, you know. Right?

Right, you guys can say, "Yo.

Yo, what's up, dawg?

Yeah, that's my dawg right there.

Yo, hey, my dawg's in the house."

I can't go,

[in Malay]

"What is that on top? A dog?

[audience laughing]

[in Malay]

My dog is there. My dog is in my house!"

[audience chuckling]

I can't.

Being a black man is great, though, right?

A lot of stereotypes about the black man

that I'm jealous about.

They say black men have big penises.

I don't know if it's true,

so I did my research.

Not in the way

that you thought I did, okay?

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