Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #3

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I did my research.

I asked a friend of mine

who married a black man,

if it's true that black men

have big penises.

But she can't answer me

because she can't talk anymore. Uh...

[laughter]

My whole life, I thought I was black.

My whole life, right?

Walk and talk like a black man.

You know, I had that swagger

like a black man, right?

Until I arrived in New York City.

And I went to Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn.

The Hood.

And that's when I realized

that I was not black.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this six-foot black man,

with a nine-millimeter poking out,

looking at me like this,

going, "Where are you from, cub?

Where are you from, cub?"

[in Malay]

"I don't know. I'm Malay."

[audience laughing]

Geylang Serai,

that's where I'm from, you know.

[audience cheering]

[chuckles]

Because Malays,

we actually don't like to fight.

You know, we don't like to fight.

We say we like to fight,

but we are a very peaceful race, actually.

We don't like to fight.

Look at our martial art.

Our martial art is specifically designed

to take the longest time possible

before the fight happens, you know?

Have you seen two people

do silat that are going to fight?

"I'm going to f*** you up!"

[humming upbeat folk song]

[humming continues]

Ten minutes later,

both sides have calmed down.

Fight doesn't happen.

You know what I'm saying, right?

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckling]

It's true, man.

That's why you guys took over.

That's why white people

took over Singapore easily, you know.

Malays just went, "Take, take, take.

It's okay.

Take, take, take." You know what?

We probably fought.

We probably fought for our land.

Malays probably did fight

for our land, right?

And I'm not doubting that we did.

Except...

that we have mothers who will ensure

that we eat first before anything, okay?

And any of you who thinks Malays are lazy,

you just have never tried our food, okay?

If you've tried our food, you will know

that once you eat Malay food,

you don't want to do anything after that.

Yeah, it's true.

You're gonna go, "Yeah, we're gonna

fight for Singapore! Fight, let's go!"

[in Malay]

"Come and have some sambal belacan."

[in Malay]

"Have some, Mom. I'm stuffed. I'm tired."

All types of people are here, I love it.

All types of people.

Malaysians, Singaporeans,

Indonesians, are you guys here?

[man cheers]

[laughs] One person, huh?

One person only, huh?

Only one person. Oh, there's one more.

Two, two people, yeah!

[in Malay]

"We're from Indonesia.

[in Malay]

It's okay."

[laughs]

It's true, man.

Malaysians, you know, to this day,

Malaysia and Singapore all have

this kind of tension, right?

But I feel that...

it's been like, what, 52 years,

ever since Singapore separated

from Malaysia?

And Malaysia still talks

about separation till this day.

They still talk about separation.

"Eh, we separated from you, eh..."

Singaporeans, we seldom

talk about it anymore.

But, you know, Malaysians,

they still talk about it,

"Eh, we separated..."

You know what,

I feel like some Malaysians,

not all, but some Malaysians...

are like the boyfriend that never got over

the breakup. You know?

I swear, right?

Like, you sat us down

and you broke up with us.

You know, right.

You sat us down, and you went,

"Look, it's not working out

between us, okay?

It's not me, it's you, all right?

It's not you. You want to be independent?

Up to you.

Okay? You want

to be independent? Up to you."

And we cried.

In front of everybody, we cried.

Like, "Don't leave me, please.

Don't leave me."

"No, no, you go, you go. No, no, you go."

"Please, don't leave me! Please!"

"No, no, you go, you go." And then...

you know, we got our own jobs.

[soft scoff]

We had our own buildings,

because we're independent women. Right?

[audience laughing]

And now, Malaysia's looking at us, going,

[in Malay]

"Oh, no.

Suddenly, she's so hot."

[chuckles]

Know what I mean?

Suddenly, all over...

You know what, after you break up

with a girl, and you look at the girl,

"Oh, my god, she's so hot." Right?

And now, they're just bringing up

old sh*t, you know.

Like, "We gave you water."

That was 20 years ago! Hey!

We fought over a lighthouse, guys.

We fought over

a f***ing lighthouse, you know. Huh?

That is like some petty

boyfriend-girlfriend sh*t.

You know, like, the boyfriend

will just burst into the house,

"This is my pencil, okay?"

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckling]

Yes, yes, yes.

It's very diverse here, I like it.

But there's a lot of women here.

Hm. Beautiful, beautiful women here.

Yes. I love talking to women, man.

I love talking about...

I can't talk to women a lot because...

I get very nervous.

I get very nervous. Yes.

I get very nervous, and I try to say

the funniest things,

and it doesn't work, you know.

I tried to go to a place

to talk to women, right.

I went to Orchard Towers

to try to talk to women.

Um...

[audience laughing]

And it didn't work.

Because I went to Orchard Towers, right,

and this hooker came up to me and said,

"Hey there, big boy.

You look like you have a big dick."

I said, "Oh, thank you. So do you." And...

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckling]

Oh.

Wow, let's just calm down for a moment,

and just bask in the fact

that I regret wearing

a thick-ass jacket on stage now.

Oh, my god, it is so hot.

Yeah, I'm sweating, you know.

Can you see that?

I'm sweating. Do you know why, bro?

Because when you're bald,

you cannot absorb the heat...

You cannot absorb the sweat,

you got no hair.

So all the f***ing sweat

goes down here, you know.

And all you can do here is

just to ignore it.

"Please don't go down to my eye.

I've got to look like I'm okay.

I have to look like I'm okay,

but I'm actually sweating."

[laughter]

Oh, man.

Are you guys okay

if I take this off? Yeah?

Yeah? Okay.

[audience cheering]

By the way...

[in Malay]

[man #2] It smells!

[in Malay] What?

[audience chuckling]

[sighs]

[laughing]

[in Malay]

You guys are unbelievable.

[audience laughing]

Really.

You like bald men? Is that your thing?

[Fuzz] Is that your thing, right?

[Fuzz chuckling]

You like it?

You know the size is, you know.

[audience laughing]

"Proportionate." That's the word

I was trying to think about right now!

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] I have been trying to recall.

"What is it called? Perpendicular?

[laughter]

Perpendicular? No!

Proportionate, Fuzz!

Proportionate!"

[in Malay]

Oh, my goodness!

[chuckles]

Oh, man.

Every race, creed, and color,

we got to accept them, man.

We got to accept them, you know.

Yes. I went to Sydney, okay.

And I performed in a room like this,

full of white people.

And I got so nervous,

because, never before in my life,

have I seen so many white people, sir.

Okay, I have never performed

to so many white people before in my life.

I have never been

to a white person's house even

when he's home.

You know...

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

I'm...

It's true, man.

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