Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #4

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And I love it. I love white people. One of the things I love about you guys,

is that you guys can wear anything

in Singapore.

You can wear anything in Singapore

and not be judged.

Right?

You can wear anything

and just walk into Zara,

or Topman.

And you guys will get treated

the same, right?

You guys can wear like a SpongeBob outfit,

you know, with pants on

and sandals, right?

You guys can walk in

and the store owner will be like,

"I think it's their culture.

It's their culture."

"Boss, the white man touched my breast."

"Never mind, it's their culture.

[audience laughing]

It is their culture." Right?

I, as a Malay brother, can walk into Zara,

with a full suit, a silk tie,

cuff links and leather shoes.

A person will look at me and go,

"The interview is tomorrow, okay?"

[audience laughing]

But my favorite type of white person,

let me tell you who

my favorite type, right, is,

white American girls

who come to Singapore,

and experience Singapore

for the first time.

The moment they land in Singapore, okay,

they touchdown, they look at Singapore,

they go,

[in girlie tone]

"Oh, my god, so much culture!

Oh, my god, Stacy,

there's just so much culture here!

Oh, my god, I met a friend of mine,

his name is Mohammad,

and for his birthday, he's a Muslim,

so I bought him a Buddha.

Oh, my god!

[laughter]

What a cultural experience!"

Do you realize that American girls

only try cultural stuff

when it's the cool sh*t?

You know, when it's like Holi,

they're throwing colors at each other.

"This is a cultural experience!"

[audience laughing]

Or when it's yoga. "I'm a tree, namaste.

I'm a tree, motherfuckers!"

I wanna see white girls

try the hardcore stuff, man.

I wanna see you all try Ramadan

for 30 days,

and tell me if you like

a cultural experience or not.

[audience clapping]

"Stacy, I'm so hungry, what's going on?"

"I don't know, b*tch,

you gotta not eat for 30 days.

You're bulimic!"

Oh, my god, I want white girls

to try Thaipusam.

[loud laughter]

Oh!

"We stuck needles through our nipples

and walked for five kilometers.

[audience laughing]

This is a cultural experience!"

[Fuzz laughing]

But they say,

you experience racism, right?

If you do experience racism,

you got to make it work for you.

And this is how

I made it work for me, okay?

A friend of mine was about

to drive me to a show.

His name is Jonathan Atherton. Right, he's an Australian.

He's an Australian.

And he makes fun of Malays all the time.

Any Australians in the house?

[soft cheer]

Nice. Australians. Oh, yeah, Ozzie.

Uh...

[audience laughing]

Oi!

[chuckles]

Oz, oi, oi, oi, ozzie, ozzie, ozzie.

Oi, oi, oi. Hey!

See, I don't get angry

when Ozzies make fun of Malays,

because they are kind of like the Malays

of the white world, guys. You know.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

[Fuzz chuckles]

Everybody knows that Malays plus

alcohol equals Australian.

Everybody knows that.

[audience laughing]

I swear to god.

So this guy comes out

with his French girlfriend and drives up.

Okay, and he picks me up.

Because, you know,

we were on our way to a show

at the Dutch Club.

Right. He picks me up.

Jonathan picked me up.

With his French girlfriend in the front,

and I'm in the back, right.

We're on our way to a show.

Okay, and as we were sitting in,

a Malay family pulls up

right next to us in a Subaru.

And he looks at Jon.

And Jon looks at him.

And both of them smile and nod.

And Jon turns back to me

and goes, "You see that, mate?

We immediately connected,

because my car is more Malay than his car.

[laughs]

I said, "Jon, that's not why

you connected." He said, "Why?"

"Because he saw me in the backseat

and thinks that I have a white driver."

[loud laughter] [Fuzz chuckling]

[applause]

You got to make it work for you, brother!

You got to make it work for you, man.

This just came into my head. Uh...

You know, a lot of Malaysians, um...

You know, we... Malaysians

and Singaporeans, you know,

we try to be friends

most of the time, right?

But they always say that Singapore

is a strict place, right?

We are a very strict place.

We are a place full of rules.

But they've got some crazy-ass rules

in Malaysia, dude.

Some crazy rules.

Do you know that in Malaysia,

you cannot eat during Ramadan

if you're a Muslim,

otherwise, you will get arrested, right?

You get arrested and jailed in Malaysia.

You know, in Singapore,

we don't have that.

We just pretend to be Filipinos.

Do you know what I'm saying, yeah?

[audience laughing]

Every Ramadan, one of you all

pretend to be...

You, you look like the kind of guy

that pretends.

All right, you over there,

you're going to...

"Okay, I'm going to try this, okay. Mm.

Good morning, auntie,

I would like the sambal belacan, please.

Good morning, auntie,

thank you very much, auntie."

[in Malay]

The auntie is not feeling it.

[in Malay] "Would you like to have a lot

or a little rice?"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

But, yeah, man.

They get jailed in Malaysia,

if you eat during Ramadan.

Which is all fine.

I don't wanna get involved

in whatever your country wants to do.

However, right,

it must be very bad for the guy's

street cred in jail, all right?

Because the guy's street cred in jail

is gonna be sh*t, you know?

It's gonna be,

[in Malay]

"What's up with you, bro? Oh, me?

Oh, I stabbed an old lady, bro."

"Oh, my god!"

[in Malay]

"What's up with you, bro?"

"Oh, me? Oh, bro, I robbed a house, bro."

"What about you, bro?"

[in Malay]

"What's up with you, bro?"

"I had sirap bandung, bro."

[loud laughter]

It's not...

And Chinese people, you know,

wherever you guys talking about...

Whenever you put the blame on Malay kids,

this is something you guys always say

that will always be ingrained in my brain.

"Ahh...

You never do your homework."

If you did your homework, they go,

"Aha...

Teacher said don't do first."

[laughter]

Right?

[audience clapping]

I think we need to have that guy

in every political situation, you know.

Right? They go, "You and your brother

and your sister fight over the house

because your father left you the house."

[loud laughter]

[audience applauding]

[laughing]

Are we gonna talk about it?

Let's f***ing talk about it.

[chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Right, so we're talking about

38 Oxley Road, right?

This has been all over the news,

ladies and gentlemen.

All over the news, okay.

Brother, sister of the first family,

fighting over a house, right?

The house costs 24 million dollars.

Twenty-four million dollars.

In the Singaporean mind, two things.

First of all, we were like, "Oh, they

are a normal family after all, you know.

They fight, just like my family,

we fight also.

His family, her family, they all fight,

so they are a normal family after all.

Even though they are high on top,

they are normal after all.

Brother, sister always fight." Second thought, "Which one is the sister?"

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