Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #5

---

[laughter]

You're lying to me. You say

you didn't think that, huh?

You did? You did?

Aha!

[audience laughing]

[cackles]

[applause]

[Fuzz laughing]

Oh, man!

Twenty-four million dollars, you know.

Twenty-four million dollars.

There's so many things that you can do

with 24 million dollars.

You can upgrade HDB houses.

You can give it to the poor.

You can give MediaCorp actors

acting lessons.

There is so much...

[audience laughing]

that you can do.

You're all pointing to me now.

[in Malay] "You're also from MediaCorp.

Shut the f*** up.

[in Malay] You talk too much.

I'm not trying to talk bad about them.

[in Malay] He's nothing less.

He's such a foul-mouthed guy."

Fine.

I am...

in MediaCorp.

But if I were to defend people

in MediaCorp,

it's not that we cannot act, okay?

It's that the directors don't give us

very good acting direction, you know.

They don't!

They say, "Fuzz, you have to be sad."

And I go, "Okay, I am sad. I am sad."

[whimpering]

"No, Fuzz, not like that. Sad.

Okay, just like this...

[soft whimper]

[audience laughing]

You try again! You try again!"

"Okay, okay, okay."

[sobbing]

"Fuzz, Fuzz, I tell you already,

you're acting must be subtle.

You're sad, it's just..."

[soft whimper]

[audience laughing]

[Fuzz chuckles]

What I hate, right...

One time, when I just got into hosting...

Um...

I tried my best

to have a neutral accent. Okay?

I tried my best to have a neutral accent.

Sometimes, I sound Malay

when I want to sound Malay. Yeah, okay.

But, sometimes, I move to white,

and sometimes, I wanna sound black,

then I sound black. Whatever, right?

But if I want to be neutral,

I try my best to sound neutral.

So, I was in this show

called 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean.

Anybody watched it?

[man cheers]

What? Really?

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I wasn't expecting a response.

I was about to move on, you know.

God. Oh, man! How boring is your life?

[laughing]

You know that there's porn, right?

You know, you can just watch that.

[chuckling]

You just jerk off to it.

Just jerk off to it, right?

Malays use the left hand

'cause right hand is for eating.

Cannot mix.

[audience laughing]

[Fuzz chuckles]

I'm saying this with my mom in

the audience, ladies and gentlemen, huh?

[audience laughing]

Malay moms, they don't listen.

[in Malay]

"No. I have a good son.

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] No. He's a good boy.

He was influenced by his bad friends.

All his friends taught him. Not me, okay.

All his friends..."

[laughing]

Yeah, so I try to sound

as neutral as possible

when I'm on air, right?

So, the camera at me.

"Say Fuzz, the link is,

'Hello, welcome to 50 Ways to Be

a Singaporean.' Can?

Can or not, bro? Can."

I said, "I'll try, I'll try.

Um...

[sighs]

Hello, welcome to

50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."

"Fuzz, stop! Fuzz, cut, cut! Fuzz!

Can you sound less Malay or not?"

"Less Malay," they said.

I was like, "What does that mean?

Okay, I'll try again. I'll try."

[clears throat]

"Hello, welcome to

50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."

"Fuzz, Fuzz, Fuzz! Less Malay!"

Did you know this is the sign

for "less Malay," you know?

This is the sign for "less Malay."

This used to be the sign that said,

"That Chinese fellow

has a small dick," but now...

[audience laughing]

it's is the sign for "less Malay," right?

I tried again.

I went, "Hello, welcome

to 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean."

"No, no, no, Fuzz, less Malay!"

In the end,

I was so sick of it, I said, "Okay.

[in Malay accent] "Hello, welcome

to 50 Ways to Be a Singaporean!"

They looked at me and went,

"Wow, Fuzz, your English improved."

I'm like...

[audience laughing]

Madness, madness.

Singapore...

[clicks tongue]

I think we have to accept the fact

that we have to shut the f*** up

when it comes to world issues, okay?

Because we are not tough,

we don't have anything guys, come on.

We don't have anything that we can do

to make the world feel threatened.

Okay? We don't have.

We just have to shut up and listen.

Shut up and listen.

We are small,

we have to shut up and listen.

You have to understand this.

Our army is basically just to protect us

for the time being.

That's it, all right?

Other armies around the world,

they have insane stories, you know.

They have... Oh, this U.S. Marine

died in a war in Afghanistan,

during a war on terrorism, right?

The Indian Army, this Indian soldier died

during a war in Kashmir, right?

Against, uh, a territorial dispute

against Pakistan.

In Singapore,

this Singaporean soldier died

during the fitness test,

do you know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

[applause]

And the fitness test gets easier,

and easier, and easier every year,

and we still cannot pass, you know, huh?

At first, it was five stations,

do a couple of pull-ups,

do a couple of sit-ups,

run from here to here,

run around two-point-four,

and then, what else do you have to do?

I know, sit-ups there, and that's it.

Five stations, right?

And then, we all fail,

"I cannot, bro. Cannot.

I cannot. Cannot. Cannot."

[groaning]

"Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you what. Mm...

You do a bit of push-ups,

do a bit of push-ups,

uh, and then do a bit of sit-ups,

and then run for two-point-four. Can, huh?

Do a bit of sit-up, do a bit of push-up,

you run two-point-four."

"I cannot. Cannot, cannot."

Don't be surprised, ten years later,

they'll be like, "Okay, bro,

you lift your arms up.

[audience laughing]

You lift your arms up."

"Oh, bro, I cannot pass."

I'll be like, "Never mind,

You blink. You blink for me, you blink."

[audience laughing]

"Bro, this roll call, blink 20 times, bro.

Cannot, bro!" [chuckles]

Cannot.

But I love the Singapore Army, okay?

Because the Singapore Army

serves us very well.

Very, very well.

In fact, I performed

during SAF Day, right.

And after I performed,

they were so happy that I was there,

and they were like,

"Fuzz, thank you so much for performing during SAF Day.

Can you please grab the mic

and say something to our fellow soldiers?"

So I was like, "Okay."

So...

[chuckles] So I grabbed the mic, I was like,

"Hey. Uh... Hello, everybody!

[chuckling]

Happy SAF Day!

As a Malay, I just want to give

a shout-out to all my Malays in the Navy,

all my Malays in Commando,

all my Malays in Armor,

all my Malays in the Air Force,

and all my Malays in Intelligence.

All three of you are very useful to us.

Thank you very much!"

[laughing]

[audience applaud]

You know what?

They make us do weird exercises

in the army.

Weird, weird exercises, right?

Like the Buddha Clap.

You know what the Buddha Clap is?

[audience murmuring]

Do I really have to demonstrate?

[audience cheering]

"Buddha Clap, five counts of four,

exercise begin.

One, two, three, four,

two, two, three."

[audience laughing]

Yes, that is the Buddha Clap, okay?

One time, when I was in training

in the army,

and they were doing the Buddha Clap,

"Five counts of four, exercise begin."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes