Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #6

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Sergeant was walking around,

everybody was doing the Buddha Clap

except for one kid.

He did not clap, all he did was this...

[audience laughing]

Sergeant went to him, and sergeant said,

"Uh, hello?

[chuckles]

What are you doing?

Why aren't you doing the Buddha Clap?" "Oh, I'm a level higher

than the rest, sir.

[audience laughing]

I reached nirvana already.

They still have a long way to go."

[chuckles]

I go, "Hello, how are you doing?"

I saw Chinese people love to go,

"Hello! Hello, hello, hello."

Right? That's right. I don't know why

they greet each other like,

"Hello. Hello, hello, hello."

Everywhere I go,

Chinese people love to greet like that.

And no matter how close or how...

"Hello, hello, hello, Robert!

Robert, hello!

Hey, Benson! Hello, Benson!

[in Chinese] Hey, it's Andrew! Andrew!

Did you see Zi-xuan?"

[laughing]

It's not lean, you know, like Malays,

we greet ourselves with style, right?

We greet ourselves like that style.

We look at each other and we're like,

[in Malay] "How are you doing?

Bro, how are you doing?

[in Malay] How are you doing?"

You know, every time

you greet a Malay person,

[in Malay]

"How are you doing?"

And you ask him how his day went,

Malay people are never positive

with their response, you know? You know?

[in Malay] "Hey, bro. How's work?"

[in Malay] "It's okay, bro.

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] I have a lot of work.

And there's no salary increment."

Uh...

No matter what they do,

even if they won a million dollars,

"Hey, bro, I heard you won a million."

[in Malay]

"It's only one million.

[audience laughing]

[in Malay] That's nothing,

2.6 million is even better."

[laughs]

It's true, man.

Not like how Indians greet each other,

man. Indians greet like,

[in Tamil]

"Hey, bro! Hey, bro!"

That is if they kind of love you.

If they really love you,

they will greet you with a curse word.

[in Tamil]

"Hey, p*ssy!

[audience laughing]

Hey, p*ssy. F***er, come here.

I love you, p*ssy! Hey!

I can see the future

through your head, bro.

I can see the f***ing future

through your head, bro."

Yeah.

I traveled the world, man.

I traveled the world as a Malay brother.

You know, I went to New York City. It was one of the best places, I feel.

And I feel like, as a Muslim,

it's very interesting

to see Muslims all around the world.

Because I am not a very strict Muslim.

Okay? Oh, you guys are shocked?

Uh...

[audience laughing]

Surprised us,

[in Malay]

"Are you surprised? Really?"

[chuckles]

You know, not very strict, right.

And, um...

Sometimes, you know,

when you meet strict Muslims, right,

there's a certain kind of communication

that, you know, breaks in between. Like, I live with two very strict

Muslim friends, you know.

And I sat down, one day,

in my living room,

watching a documentary on dogs.

Turned to my friend and said,

"Bro, wouldn't it be f***ing badass, bro,

if we owned a Rottweiler?

You and me, bro. We own a Rottweiler."

He looks at me and he goes, "Bro!

We are Muslim, bro!

We cannot own dogs, bro.

That is haram, bro.

Get that through your head!

You know what? Go get me another beer

and we'll talk about it, you know?"

[audience laughing] Now, I don't buy beer, guys.

Please, I don't buy beer.

I'm a Muslim,

I accept it if you give it to me, okay?

[audience laughing]

[Fuzz] I accept,

because there's a lot of extreme Muslims

that are into Al-Qaeda and Al-Ma'unah.

I'm just the kind of extreme Muslim

that's into "Al-Cohol," okay? So very...

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Oh, man. I like it

when you have to do this,

"Yeah, good!"

[chuckling]

Oh, man. Muslims around the world, man,

they communicate differently, you know.

They communicate differently.

Like, I met a friend of mine, you know.

He's a black guy in New York City. Right.

First of all, New York City

is the birth of hip-hop.

That's what it was, and I love Def Jam.

I love hip-hop.

Right? So I try my best

to be hip-hop in New York City,

but don't try that ever, okay?

Because they take their hip-hop

very seriously, okay?

They take their hip-hop

very, very seriously.

Came out, you know.

I was like, "Yo, man. What's up?"

He looks at me,

and I look at him, and I go,

"Bro, man, you guys hip-hop out here, man?

What are your classic songs?"

And he goes,

"Man, we've got a lot of classic songs.

We've got P. Diddy, man,

'Bad Boy for Life,' you know?

We've got a lot, man. We've got N.W.A.

F*** tha police coming straight

You know what I'm saying?

We've got a lot of stuff like that.

What about you, man?

Are you Malay from Singapore? Yeah.

What are your classic songs?"

[audience laughing]

[in Malay]

Appreciate your loved ones

[in Malay] Before it is

[in Malay] Too late

Yeah! That's our...

[audience laughing]

That's our...

[laughing]

Because, you know what?

Because all my life, all my life,

all I wanted to do, right,

in my life,

when I'm looking for jobs, right

I don't care what I do,

as long as I could explain my job

to a Malay auntie, I'm fine.

Right?

And we all know, the only jobs,

that is very simple to explain

to a Malay auntie, are either...

you know, police, civil defense, army, teacher, pest buster.

These five, you know, huh?

[loud laughter]

Other than that, you don't know

how to explain to her.

You know? I go, like,

"No, no, I'm a comedian."

[in Malay]

"Are you a clown?"

Because they think that comedians

are just up on the stage doing...

[imitates comical song]

[sighs]

So, all my life, all I wanted to be

was the hype man for Jay-Z, all right?

[crowd cheering]

What's wrong? You know, it's a good dream.

I can't be as famous as Jay-Z,

but I can be the hype man for Jay-Z

because I can't rap as well as Jay-Z.

If you guys don't know what a hype man is,

a hype man is basically when Jay-Z goes,

"Yeah, I know

Yo, man, you've got a lot of problems"

I go, "Yeah, yeah!"

You know, I just do that, all right?

[audience laughing]

Right, I just, "Yeah, yeah!"

I just yell over whatever he says,

all right? How do I explain that

to a Malay auntie, huh?

"No, auntie,

so there's this black guy, uh...

He raps about problems, so what I do is,

I just yell over him, you know.

[in Malay]

"I'll just shout it out."

[in Malay] "What the hell are you doing,

shouting and screaming like a mad person?"

So, I met this black friend,

and he was from New York City.

The black Muslim friend came up to me

and he said, "Yo, Fuzz!"

"Yeah?"

"Are you gonna be in New York for long?"

I said, "Yeah,

I'm gonna be in New York for a while."

"All right, man.

Do you want to do some comedy?"

I was like,

"All right, I'll do some comedy."

"All right, man. I'ma hook you up

with the Gotham Comedy Club.

Man, as a Muslim brother

to another Muslim brother,

you know, Shalala."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

"Sorry, I didn't catch you the last time.

What did you say?"

"Nah, man. I'm trying to tell you, man,

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