Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #7

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I'ma hook you up

with the Gotham Comedy Club.

You and me, you know what I'm saying?

We gonna do it

for the whole week, Shalala."

"What are you talking about?"

"No, no! You're Muslim, I'm Muslim,

'If God Permits,' Shalala!"

"Oh, you mean, 'insha Allah'!"

[audience laughing]

"That's what I said, Shalala, b*tch!"

"Okay, you don't put 'b*tch' next to...

You don't...

[laughter]

Can you not do that?

Can you not put..."

[grunts]

You guys are laughing now,

but I see everybody here

is gonna use "Shalala,"

the next morning, you know.

You see your Malay friend,

looking at you in the office going,

"Oh, Wei Xin,

have you sent the papers already?"

"I don't know, Shalala."

[audience laughing]

"Man, are you gonna finish

your homework tonight?"

"I don't know, Shalala. Shalala"

[chuckles]

It's a good thing, man.

Oh, dude.

Kids, nowadays, you know.

It's good that you guys didn't bring kids.

Kids nowadays, too much symptoms

with you, white kids, man.

White kids have too many symptoms, huh.

Too many symptoms.

ADHD, ADD, OCD, all these symptoms.

Malay kids don't have these symptoms,

you know, just the three S.

It's either stubborn, Satan, or sampuk.

These three, right!

[audience laughing]

It's either stubborn, Satanic,

or got possessed by the devil.

That's it. That's it!

Sometimes, it's just stupid.

We just go, "This one's stupid. Stupid.

[in Malay]

Not so smart."

And white kids have allergies, you know.

"Oh, some nut allergy, huh.

Some nut allergy, lactose intolerant.

It's nut allergy. It's nut..."

There's no Malay kid

with a lactose intolerance,

or nut allergies.

Because, you know what?

We shove everything to his mouth.

[in Malay] "Eat it.

Put in in your mouth. Finish it up!

[imitates child crying]

[in Malay] Don't cry. Don't cry!

Don't cry. Don't."

They slap you and tell you not to cry,

"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."

[thumping]

[imitates crying]

[muffled whimpering]

[chuckles]

[in Malay]

It's true!

And if our child dies, because of nuts,

then that is God's will, okay?

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

That is God's will, okay?

You know, that's the Malay culture.

Everything is God's will.

It's okay, right?

That is very humble of us, right?

We leave everything to God.

It's very humbling, right?

Everything, we leave to God,

and it's okay. It's not within our power,

it's God's power, right?

That's why we always get caught

for crimes, sometimes,

because we're too complacent

with it, you know. Chinese people commit

the same amount of crime.

It's just that Malays are not very good

at hiding it, okay?

Because we leave it to God,

when we steal money,

[in Malay]

"If God wills, we won't get caught."

[audience laughing]

Right?

Malay people steal money,

and leave it to God.

Chinese people steal money

from the house of God.

Very different, huh?

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[audience whistling]

[woman cheering]

[chuckling] Oh, man.

Oh, Christians, you are way too forgiving.

Way too forgiving.

The guy stole, what, 53 million?

You guys just go,

"Okay, never mind. It's okay.

Wish us Merry Christmas, it's okay.

Eat peanut butter

and wish us Merry Christmas.

It's okay, it's okay."

Malays, if you steal the piggy bank

in front of the mosque, you steal the slippers,

you're not going to get away, you know.

[in Malay]

"Where are my slippers? Damn it!

F***! It's Adidas!"

[audience laughing]

[Fuzz chuckling]

We will not stand for that sh*t, dude!

[chuckles]

It is what it is, right?

Different customs.

We have different customs.

That's what it is, different customs.

Singapore...

Uh, Singapore has a lot of diversity.

We have different customs.

For example,

Chinese, you guys have

the Hungry Ghost Festival.

Malays, we have Ramadan. Right?

[sighs]

[audience laughing]

I can explain.

[laughter]

Right. Chinese,

during the Hungry Ghost Festival,

you believe that all the ghosts,

and all the demons,

and all the evil spirits, right,

are free to roam for an entire month.

Malays, we believe that during Ramadan,

all the ghosts, and the evil spirits

are locked in a safe place,

and it's a month of purity.

So, I guess, it's very awkward

when Hungry Ghost Festival and Ramadan

fall under the same month, you know?

[laughing]

I really don't know which one to believe,

you know what I'm saying?

All I know is that my Malay ghost can eat

after seven o'clock.

That's all I know.

[chuckling]

After seven o'clock, my Malay ghosts

can eat. That's all I know.

Oh, man.

Sometimes, you know what I like?

I like to see my Chinese friends

who are Christians, burning the incense

during Hungry Ghost Festival.

So, during Hungry Ghost Festival,

they always burn offerings, right?

I like to see my Chinese friends

who are Christians, you know.

"Hey, Joshua,

why are you burning the offerings?

I thought you were Christian?"

"No, bro, just in case. Just in case.

This one? Oh, you don't know

what you know, huh?

You don't know what..." I say,

"Bro, you're burning this,

the smoke is gonna cause global warming."

"Bro, this smoke go to heaven straight.

What? You don't know?"

But I ran into a very awkward situation,

ladies and gentlemen.

Me, and my five-year-old niece, all right?

We were walking home.

First of all, right,

whenever we have kids and ghosts,

it's always something

that is very, very sensitive, okay?

Because you cannot...

The ghost might go into the kid.

Right, I don't believe that.

I don't believe in possessions, I don't.

You know why?

Because I've never seen

a cross-possession. I've never seen.

Malay kids always, very conveniently,

get possessed by Malay ghosts.

Very conveniently, right? It's always,

[in Malay]

"Siti, are you okay?" "Don't bother me!"

You know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

I wanna see one day when they go,

[in Malay] "Siti, are you okay?"

[in Chinese] "My name is Ling-ling."

[laughing]

[audience applauding]

[Fuzz laughing]

Oh, man!

All you gotta do is write

on one of those yellow papers

and pop!

[groans]

[chuckles]

So I ran into a very awkward situation,

me and my five-year-old niece, right?

We were walking home one day, okay.

And I saw an auntie praying.

Okay, and you know how aunties pray

during Hungry Ghost festival, right?

They've got the food,

they've got the candles,

they've got the offerings.

So, I knew what that was, so I walked on.

But my five-year-old niece has never seen

anything like that before.

So she runs to the auntie,

I'm trying to stop her.

She stands next to the auntie,

she looks at the auntie,

the auntie's on her knees

with food, candles, praying.

She looks at the woman,

and the auntie looks at her, and she goes,

Happy birthday to you

[applause]

That's what it is with kids, man,

I'm talking about kids.

Kids don't have a story nowadays.

Everything...

There's no story for them, you know?

It's all on InstaStory, right?

There's no real story that they tell.

I asked a 14-year-old kid, I said,

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