Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned Page #8

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"Do you have a girlfriend?"

The 14-year-old kid said, "Yes."

"How did you meet your girlfriend?"

He said, "I messaged her on Instagram."

What kind of a story is that?

No story.

I mean, I was like...

Bro, you look like you're my age.

Do you remember how hard it was for us

to get a girl's number

back in our day, right?

We had to devise a plan, you know?

"Okay, you know her, know her,

and know her, right?

So, you're all a friend of a friend

of a friend, okay."

You had to write a letter,

"Will you be my friend?

Yes, no, or maybe."

And then you give it, right?

[audience laughing]

And if it's a Chinese girl, Mei-ling.

I did that before. Mei-ling, oh.

Mei-ling, like, "Oh, my god!" And then Mei-ling gave me her number,

and I thought to myself,

"We have to plan, you know.

We go home, and we plan, okay.

Six o'clock, she must have come home,

showered already, now doing her homework.

So I called her house,

I think the house can be okay.

Right, so I called her house,

and the mother picks up the phone,

and mothers are always very pissed off

when they picked up the phone.

I don't know why. "Hello!"

"Uh, hello, auntie.

Can I talk to Mei-ling?"

[in Chinese]

"Who are you?"

"Uh, it's Muhammad Fadzri. I'm a friend."

"Muhammad?

[in Chinese] Mei-ling!

Why is this Malay boy calling you?"

[loud laughter]

[chuckles]

But I love all these social media, man.

I do.

You know what's my favorite? Facebook.

Yes, because Facebook allows you

to connect with old friends

that you haven't met in a long time, okay. I reconnected with one of my friends.

Um, in fact, she was my crush

when I was in primary five.

Yeah, she was my crush.

And then, you know,

she messaged me and said,

"Oh, my god! Are you Fuzz?"

And I go, "Oh, my god! Are you Sarah?"

I was like...

I was like, "Oh, my god!"

"We should meet! We should meet!"

"All right, okay, okay!

Let's meet! Let's meet! Let's meet!"

And it just went higher and higher...

[high-pitched gibber]

So, we met, and we sat down.

It was a long time since we met, you know.

Like, maybe, 10 or 12 years, right?

I'm not that young.

It's actually 20 years.

Uh...

[audience laughing]

I sat down, looked at her, and I said,

"Before you say anything, Sarah,

I just want to let you know

that I have had a crush on you

since primary five, okay?

I have had a crush on you

since primary five."

She looks at me, and she goes,

"Oh, my god!

I have had a crush on you, too,

since primary five!"

I was like, "Oh, my god,

this is so crazy!"

I looked at her, and I said,

"Have you heard of love at first sight?"

She said, "Yes!"

She looks at me and she goes,

"Have you heard of Herbalife?"

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

The next person,

who messages me about Herbalife,

is gonna get a glimpse

of the afterlife, okay?

[audience laughing]

Coming up here with a shake challenge...

Oh, man.

Oh, it's true, dude.

All these things are true stories, man.

I swear to god, you know.

I was talking about, like,

women, you know.

These women contact me,

and then sometimes,

I try to talk to them,

I said this before, right?

I can't really talk to them.

It's very difficult for me

to talk to them.

Yes, it is true.

And, guys, if you have a girlfriend,

if you're trying to understand

your girlfriend, well, stop.

Because you can't, okay?

You can never, right?

I sat with a girlfriend of mine

by the river.

Okay, we saw a river snake, you know.

And the river snake didn't move, right.

The river snake just laid there.

She looked at me and she goes,

"Oh, my god. Is it dead?"

I said, "I don't know, babe.

Throw a rock at it or something."

She threw a rock at it,

and it didn't move. And then, she started to cry,

she was like,

"Oh, my god!

It came out here just to die!"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

She said,

"No, you don't understand, man, okay?

We have a connection with animals.

Women have a connection with animals.

Especially when this baby came up to me."

Just when she said that,

the snake started moving towards her,

and she was like,

"Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"

[audience laughing]

I like all sorts of women.

All sorts of women.

Indian girls. Ooh!

Any Indian girls in the house?

[women cheer softly]

Oh, yeah! Hey!

[in Malay]

Hey, girl!

[laughter]

[Fuzz] I love it! I love it.

I had an Indian girlfriend,

body like Baywatch,

body like Baywatch,

face like Crimewatch. Uh...

[loud laughter]

Are we all right? Are we all right?

[laughs]

Sir!

[chuckles]

Very, very thoughtful Indian girl, too.

Very, very thoughtful, Indian girl, right?

For my birthday, okay,

she bought me a present

that was very thoughtful,

because I used to be very nervous,

when I talk on the stage.

And when I first started stand-up comedy,

I was very nervous, right.

So, I always used to talk very fast,

and they can't understand me.

They cannot understand me at all.

So my Indian girlfriend, on my birthday,

she bought me a present

that was a sticker,

that looked like a full stop, right?

And I said...

[audience laughing]

And I said, "Babe,

where did you get the idea for this?"

And she says, "I don't know,

just came off the top of my head."

[laughter]

[Fuzz chuckling]

Oh, dude.

You've got to understand it, man.

You have a lot of fun in Singapore?

Mister white man,

you have a lot of fun in Singapore?

Right, you go to clubs in Singapore?

Do you go to clubs? Yeah?

-[man #3] I used to.

-You used to go to clubs in Singapore.

A lot of stuff are illegal in Singapore,

you've got to know, right?

Drugs are illegal in Singapore.

That's right.

Drugs are illegal in Singapore,

which is weird.

Because I have never taken drugs.

[audience murmuring]

Hey, hey, hey.

[audience giggling]

Let me elaborate.

[laughs]

I've never taken heroin,

never taken ecstasy,

never taken cocaine, okay?

Because when we were in primary school,

they always feed us with images

of people overdosing on drugs.

You remember this, right?

"Don't take drugs, or else you will end up

like this guy," then foam...

[groans]

You know that?

So they go,

"Don't! Don't take drugs." Right?

So, I looked at it, and I was like,

"Okay, so don't take heroin, ecstasy,

or cocaine, all right!"

So, I've never taken heroin,

ecstasy, or cocaine

because I've had that image implanted

in my brain for the longest time.

But I've never seen them take any pictures

of people dying from weed.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying, okay! I bet that they wanted to,

it's just that they can't.

It's just pictures going...

[screaming]

[in Malay]

"I'm hungry, bro!"

See? Some people are laughing,

some people are scared to laugh.

That's all I'm saying.

[in Malay] It's really hot here, bro.

The CNB is here. Enough.

[audience laughing]

[in Malay]

Relax, relax, relax.

[chuckles]

That's Malay people taking cover... [in Malay]

Relax, relax, relax.

[audience laughing]

Right, right? That's it.

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