Family Weekend Page #2

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No, let him pitch humor.

I'd like to see him juggle

his balls in the air.

No! Are you kidding?

He's such a jerk.

Sure. Sound

like a horse.

# We thank you, food

# The food

# That nourishes our soul

Nobody showed up.

Oh, sweetheart, I know.

I'm so sorry.

I desperately tried

to get there,

but Mickey was having a bad day,

and your father was just...

Oh, no.

My God, how many

times do I... GG?

Can you stir that

for me, please?

Need to speak with you.

Um, what part of dry cleaning do

you not understand?

The chemical part.

Dry cleaning

releases

toxic chemicals

into our waters.

I don't care.

I...

I don't care.

This little blouse

cost me $300.

Excuse me. Could you please take this

argument someplace else?

Thank you.

Don't you raise your voice to me,

sugarplum.

I'm not your maid.

Oh, I know.

If you were my maid,

I would have fired you

years ago.

Sam!

I'll get it!

Oh, your energy

is so negative,

I have to burn sage every time

I come here.

Oh, is that

what that smell is?

'Cause I thought the forest came

into my office and took a crap.

It's so telling that you

would object to sage,

the cleaning agent provided

by Mother Earth.

Well my mother's name

is Janice, not Earth,

so if you could keep your flaming

shrubs out of my office,

I'd deeply

appreciate it.

So you ever

been to Fillmore?

Uh...

Back before '70,

it was fantastic.

Me and

my girlfriend Anne

used to get stoned

out of our brains

and check out

all the great bands.

You ever

see CCR on LSD?

Janice must be so proud,

the wonderful mother

you've become.

Ma!

Are you kidding?

You're judging me?

You take that finger

and turn around

and point it

right at yourself.

There's your legacy.

You proud of that?

I don't want her

here anymore.

She takes very good care

of our children.

She feeds them nice organic,

vegetarian meals...

Well, I... I don't care.

Sam, you're not willing

or prepared to make!

Take your sage and...

Guess what.

I'm out of here.

No! Ma, wait!

I'm leaving.

Ma! Mama?

Mama?!

So, we gonna do it,

or what?

Do what?

And scene.

Hey.

Hi, Chris.

How are you?

Um, okay.

Uh...

I'm walking out that door.

You know, right now is not

a very good time.

Oh, yeah. I can... Okay.

Well, look, I...

I only came by

'cause I have this DVD of you

at the quarterfinals...

Come on!

and I just...

Wait! Mom!

No! No, let me go!

Ma! Ma!

Oh. Who do

we have here?

I don't want to be around

that women ever again!

She's the devil.

No!

Oh, hey.

Uh, yeah, I'm Chris.

Look, I... I just came by

'cause I wanted

to give this to Emily.

That's all.

A gift?

Oh, Duncan,

he brought her a gift.

You're a good boy.

Thanks.

Tell me, how long were you

breast-fed as a child?

Mom.

Uh...

Were you on the tit till you were

practically driving?

I'm sorry.

There's nothing

more nutritious

than mother's milk.

It's nature's

protein shake.

Chris?

Yeah?

Yeah. So...

you dating my daughter?

Hmm?

Tell me...

I don't...

are you one

of those A & O guys?

Dad!

Sir?

You know,

one of those cool cats

who tell their girlfriends that

anal and oral isn't real sex

so they can protect

their virginity?

Okay!

Time to go.

It's time to go, Dad.

No.

Dad, no.

What about condoms?

What about 'em?

It's never too early to start

talking about condoms!

That's enough, Dad!

You know what

I'm talking about.

Sir, I don't think...

You know what

I'm talking about

Dad, that's enough.

I'm gonna go, okay?

Okay, sounds good.

Okay.

Oh, wait! Wait!

Em, I'm sorry.

Ah, God, this DVD.

I just wanted to...

Okay, just take it, okay?

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

I'd take his balls and wrap

'em around his neck. Hah!

Statistically speaking,

I think parents

kill more teens

than drugs or even cars.

If we don't end up punching out

our own tickets,

we just suffer through

years of therapy,

only to realize that our parents

were completely inept

and that we are now

equally inept parents

...and loud,

the Tasmanian devils

can have up to four pups

at a time...

Well, I refuse to partake

in this farce.

The animal will defend itself

if provoked.

I should just down a bottle

of Mom's sleeping pills

and get it over with.

Bet they wouldn't

even notice or care.

Do you think they would?

Most saltwater fish

can survive

in a tank filled

with human blood.

Mom wouldn't.

Maybe Dad...

for a day or so.

At least

Grandma Gail would.

The animal will continue

to spread its disease.

In captivity,

a scientist hopes

the devils can

be rehabilitated,

but first they must be tranquilized

and restrained.

Where... Where

the hell's the food?

Gotta be here somewhere.

Can smell it.

Is this a joke?

In here!

What's the occasion?

Just trying something new.

Come sit.

So not funny.

Hold, please.

What the...

Someone kidnapped

my dinner.

I know.

That's what I said.

Hang on. What the...

I don't understand.

Lucy, can you

hand me my plate?

We are having dinner

as a family.

Rick, I'm gonna have

to call you back.

No, it's dinner

as a family.

Whoo!

I know. It's...

I haven't

done it in, like...

They're staring at me.

I've gotta go. Bye.

Okay, let's go.

I'm gonna...

Do you mind

sitting down first?

Mm-hmm.

Strange child.

Thank you

for joining us, Dad.

Was I late?

Shouldn't I be

sitting here?

Hah!

I'm hosting this dinner.

please sit down.

Mom, phone.

Just one second.

Mom, phone.

Send.

So I'm sure

you're all wondering

what we're doing here.

Not at all.

Historically families

have had meals together.

The mother cooks.

The children gather.

Everyone eats and enjoys.

Is the mother

the sole breadwinner

with Monday deadlines

historically?

I support

what Emily is doing.

Now lets all join hands

and say a little prayer.

What do they say?

A family that prays

together stays together

Mom.

You must be joking.

Not in the least.

Taxi Driver?

Sure as sh*t.

Fantastic.

Lord Shiva,

Bless this family,

and may your third eye look down

upon us with love and kindness.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Since when

are we Hindu?

How do we know which God is

the one true God, hmm?

Just 'cause you're born in a

specific region of the planet

doesn't make your God

better than someone else's.

I say we pray to them all

just to be fair.

So, as I was saying...

Oh, I have

an announcement.

From now on,

I want to be called Thor.

Hmm. Thor, okay.

Thor?

Like the comic book?

No, the Norse God

of thunder,

I was gonna go with Poseidon,

but Thor just hits, you know.

Doesn't Thor, like, have a, like,

hammer or something?

Yeah, he does.

Totally fits you.

It's badass.

Badass, man.

Isn't Thor

kind of butch?

No.

We named you after

Jackson Pollock,

one of my early influences.

Paint-splattering hack.

Anyway...

I thought you liked Pollock.

You found his work sensual.

Sensual.

That was a long time ago.

Paints don't really

get me off anymore.

No one needs to know that,

Mom. What does that mean?

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