Fanboys Page #2

---

I did nothing to you.

- Exactly. You did nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Eric Bottler graduates high school

and never looks back.

You bailed on our plan, Bottler!

What plan?

To be the next big thing in comics?

Come on, man.

That was never gonna happen.

I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up.

I'm the only one who did.

- Look at you guys.

- You can fool everybody...

with this cheap suit,

salesman-of-the-year pitch.

But I know you better than anybody...

and deep down,

you are one miserable son of a b*tch.

- Miserable, huh?

- Yeah. Miserable.

Miserable is wasting your life

in Hutch's garage playing video games...

arguing whether or not

Luke really had a thing for Leia.

You know as well as anybody...

that as soon as Luke knew Leia

was his sister, it was hands off.

They still kiss.

That was Leia kissing Luke

to make Han jealous.

That was the second time.

The first time-

The first time they're about to die!

- They were not, you liar.

- They were swinging 30,000 feet in the air.

You know when you're a sibling, okay?

There's something innate.

- There's no telepathy between

Luke and Leia till Episode VI.

- It spans the ocean.

It was romance in a sci-fi opera!

Who cares about this sh*t, man? Huh?

- Who cares about-

- I do. I care.

You need a new car.

They were siblings.

They were siblings, you sick bastard!

You are trapped now.

You've made your last mistake.

We need to talk.

Sure, Pop.

What's up?

Okay. Here's the deal.

It's time for the world

to see the new face of this company.

And his name's Big Eric.

Big Eric who?

Big Eric you.

It's all yours, kiddo.

The entire shebang.

All 15 locations, from here to Seattle.

I mean- Uh, yes.

Yeah. I mean, wow.

- Take the hat.

- I can't take your hat.

Go ahead.

No, really.

It looks good on you.

- Take the hat.

- But it's really-

- Take the damn hat.

- Yeah. I'll wear it for-

My God. Your mom would be so proud

to see you in that hat.

I know, Pop.

Hey. You and me?

Tanning Tuesdays?

You want to take your shirt off.

You want to take your shirt off. God.

- You wanna take that shirt off?

- A**hole.

You have been trying that Jedi mind sh*t

on me since the eighth grade.

- It doesn't work.

- Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.

- He's been geeking out

with Rogue Leader all morning.

Nothing can tear him away.

- Ah!

- Rogue Leader, you are wicked.

Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air

on my naked breasts.

Oh, ho-ho!

See that?

Man's immune to sweater yams.

What about me?

I like sweater yams!

Hey.

What'll it be, fellas?

- How much for the phaser gun?

- For the phaser gun?

Sorry, Garfunke!.

We don't hock Trek here.

Well, then, Slim,

if you don't sell the Trek...

then why do you have

a phaser gun in the case?

We keep this one here to suss out

Trekkie b*tches like yourself...

and tell them to get

the hell off of our land.

So get the hell off of our land.

Get the hell off of our land!

Get the hell out of here! Now!

Get out of here,

you Kirk-lovin'Spock-suckers!

- Hey.

- Hey.

You guys know where a guy can pawn off

a first edition Eric Bottler comic?

- Hey!

- Holy cannolis.

Look at that.

Yeah. That's awesome.

Dude, you had sick skills back then.

You should've stuck with it, brother.

Yeah. I would've been broke and living

in my parents' garage.

- It's a carriage house.

- Right. I know it is.

I have something else

that you guys might wanna check out.

Well, what have we got here?

Ohio to Califor-

Is this what I think it is?

Linus laid the whole thing out in fifth grade.

I figure it's time

for another epic journey, isn't it?

What's your game plan?

We storm the ranch, or we die trying.

Yeah.

Well, you guys were

all about this at the party.

- We were six Zimas to the wind at the party.

- Drunk.

Come on. You even said the Rogue Leader

has connections inside the ranch, right?

Rogue Leader? Please, man.

Windows never even met him.

- Her!

- Him.

- Maybe it's time that he does.

- Dude, this is a suicide mission, man.

Why would we even try anything like this?

For Linus.

Huh?

No.

- No?

- No. I'm not going.

Aw, Linus, you've got to go.

This is a conquest for the ages.

Our names shall become legend...

spoken in hushed tones

by nerds across the galaxy.

And we'll get laid.

More than

we've ever been laid

- Okay, please stop that.

- Sorry. I was getting into that.

I just don't wanna go

with Opie over there.

Check this out, man.

Floor plans to the Lucas Ranch.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Are you kidding? How did you get these?

My life partner, Rogue Leader,

she can break us in, man.

The question you got to ask yourself is...

"Do you have the nut sack

to go through with it?"

If I do this, it doesn't change anything.

I'll grab my suitcase

and some Big League Chew.

- Yes!

- ThunderCats! Ho!

- Told you. I knew he'd go.

- Stop humping.

Please stop humping.

Just high five.

- Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.

- Oh, goddamn it.

- Chewie!

- Chewie! Damn it!

Wait a second. Whoa.

What the hell's Chewie?

It's the same rules as shotgun.

Either way, I always lose.

- Furball, you do the honors?

- Yeah.

Strap in, fellas.

Whoo!

What the hell, Hutch?

It's all Rush.

- Ever want a little variety?

- Rush is variety, b*tch.

- Oh!

Rule number one:

in my van, it's Rush.

All Rush, all the time.

No exceptions.

Rule number two:

nobody touch the red button.

And I mean never touch the red button.

Most importantly,

rule number three:

there's no jerking it in my van.

What?

Fine.

Don't roll your eyes at me, Admiral Jackbar.

"Established in 1985...

"the Skywalker Ranch

is the headquarters...

of George Lucas's filmmaking empire."

So according to Rogue Leader's map...

our best odds for finding

the film is in here- the main house.

Oh, my God.

That place is legendary.

And we meet Rogue Leader at a coffee shop

in Texas Wednesday, 3:00 p. m. sharp.

- Mm-hmm.

- She's gonna give us

absolutely everything we need...

- to get into the compound.

- Nice.

White chocolate finally gets

to meet his dream girl.

- Oh!

- Ooh! Ooh!

Well, according to this,

80 West is our fastest route.

So we got 26 hours

to make it to Texas, boys.

Consider it done.

Ah!

-

- Wakey, wakey. Hands off steakey.

- It's time for Hutch's pit stop.

- Where are we?

Some say heaven.

I like to call it Iowa.

Iowa?

What about Rogue Leader?

- Iowa?

- Yeah. I made a little detour.

Hutch, we're supposed

to be going to Texas.

Welcome to Riverside, gentlemen...

future birthplace of one

Captain James T. Kirk.

Enemy territory! Nice.

Man, you drove all night for this?

Dude, I'd drive all year for the chance

to pimp slap some Trekkies.

You know what?

Leave me out of it.

Let's crack some Trekkie skulls!

Let's do it!

And it is believed

that on this very spot...

Captain James Tiberius Kirk will be born.

Hence, the statue immortalizing him...

grappling with his most accursed nemesis.

Ricardo Montalbn?

Genetically engineered tyrant Khan.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes