Fanboys Page #3

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- It doesn't look like either of them.

- Thank you for pointing that out.

That is because the whores at Viacom

International threatened to sue us...

if we used their likenesses,

so we make do.

Yes. The gentleman in the beige.

I was wondering what did Sulu find

in Captain Kirk's lavatory.

Sulu clearly found a standard issue

Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.

I believe it was the Captain's log.

- Very good.

A laugh a day keeps the doctor away, everyone.

We've been saved.

- Ooh.

- Any other comic relief?

- Ah!

- There's still homeless out there.

- Hey!

- Yes! What? You! What? Yes.

What is the Klingon translation

for,"You're gonna die a virgin"?

-

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Hilarious, everyone.

Looks like we got more Lucas hounds

here to mock Roddenberry.

Congratulations, gentlemen,

but I would like to see...

your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone.

And we'll see who's laughing then.

Am I right?

Darth Vader can put the entire

Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.

Uh, Darth Vader has asthma...

so name me one Star Trek character

with a respiratory disease...

'cause I'm drawing a blank.

Name me one

Star Wars character who's gay.

- Yeah.

- Besides you.

Well, no one's gay in Star Trek,

so why would I even do that?

Captain Picard.

Captain Picard is not gay.

He's British.

- Come on."Make it so!"

- Ah-ah

I hate to break it to you losers,

but Han Solo's a b*tch.

Ah, no, he didn't. No, he didn't.

What did you just say?

- Is there a problem here?

- Yeah, there sure is, Spock.

The admiral here just

called Han Solo a b*tch.

- Good one.

- Some pretty strong words for a Trekkie.

A Trekkie is derogatory

at this point in the game.

Trekker is what we're called now.

Trekker.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Trekkie.

Just take a look-see here.

What's with the man-purse?

Yep. As I thought...

scanner reads"douche bag."

Push me, I'll kill your whole Starfleet.

Unbelievable!

Snikt! Snitk!

Come on, bub!

Attack, you cowards!

That's an order!

- Hutch!

- Cover me, Windows!

Evasive maneuvers!

Evasive maneuvers!

- My ear!

- Ha-ha!

Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.

Beam this, b*tch!

Time-out!

I call time-out! Time-out!

- Disable their vehicle.

- Get in! Go!

Get in the van!

Get in the van!

Disable the vehicle.

Kill the Star-roids!

Get them!

Han Solo is still a b*tch!

Nobody calls Han Solo a b*tch.

Yeah!

Hey, Bottler, hit 'em

with the pressed ham!

Klingon to this.

Kha-a-a-an!

Kha-a-a-an!

Whoo!

I took that Vulcan down hard.

I rolled him into the dirt

like he was my frickin tauntaun.

Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me,

you guys would all be dead.

What fight were you watching?

I was channeling the emperor.

The emperor? I don't remember the emperor

crapping his robe and screaming"time-out."

- Oh, my God. That's right.

- There is such a thing as time-out.

I can feel

your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.

-

-

-

All right. Time-out.

We had to take your van, Hutch.

I have access to literally

thousands of vehicles...

but we had to take your van.

Yeah, well, I had a spare tire...

but some tardo took it out

to make some room for his grappling hook.

What? We're on a covert operation.

How can you be on a covert operation

without a grappling hook?

Oh! Wait.

What in Greedo's name is that?

Talk about a wretched hive

of scum and villainy.

Hmm.

You guys stay right here.

I'll take care of this.

How you doing, fellas?

Hi, fellas.

So our car broke down

a couple of miles back.

Is there anyone you know who can help us?

No.

Can I have some water?

Yeah, a glass of water, please.

Great.

Pirate teeth.

Pirate teeth.

- Pirate teeth. Don't.

- Thank you.

A hundred bucks.

For a glass of water?

That's ridiculous. I'm not gonna pay that.

Sure you will.

Hell, no. Hell, no.

Back up, buddy. Back off.

Word to the wise, ese.

- Ooh!

- Drop the tough-ass biker

routine before I get angry.

And you won't like me when I'm angry.

Hmm, I think I would.

- Hutch, let's not do this.

- Hutch, maybe-

Nah. Nah. Nah.

This guy wants

to dick with me, fine. I can dick.

I used to rape guys 15 times

your size in prison.

So you best back off...

- or, so help me God, I'm

gonna pound your ass so hard-

- Oh, Jesus.

- No. Hutch.

- What?

- There's kind of a thing in this bar. Like that.

- See?

Ixnay on the ass pounding.

A hundred dollars?

That's cool.

Afraid it's too late for that, ese.

Our midnight entertainment bailed.

Time to pay for that drink.

Oh, dear God.

We're gonna die up here, aren't we?

We have to strip to Menudo?

You got a problem with Menudo?

Now, take it off!

That's it, man!

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"

You want some Swayze action, b*tches?

Yeah!

You like that, huh?

Whoo!

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it, and you're gonna like it!

-

-

He's got one ball.

Un testculo.

- Oh, that's disgusting.

Okay, I had a...

torrid lightsaber battle

went wrong when I was a child.

All right, all right, all right.

Show's over, fellas.

- You boys took a wrong turn?

- Our car broke down.

The Chief can fix it.

The Chief?

This is some kick-ass guac

you whipped up, man.

- I feel funny.

- Tingly.

- I feel good.

- Karate is cool.

Guys, I don't think we're eating...

your everyday garden-variety guacamole.

I got recipe from Emeril.

Avocado, onion,

chopped garlic- Bam!

- Bam!

- Bam!

And the Chief's secret ingredient.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- What?

- What?

There's an ewok right beside you.

Oh, wow. She's humping your leg.

It's humping your leg.

She's humping your leg.

I love you.

Wahh!

Death is but a path to life,

a passage to the stars...

to the universe.

I know what you mean.

You mean the Force.

The Force.

Guys, my dad is

gonna kill me if I don't get to work on Monday.

Putz. Screw it, man.

- No!

- Join me, Son.

Come to the Dark Side.

- The Dark Side.

- No! No!

Rogue Leader.

What the hell you doing, man?

You're poking me.

Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay?

It's just my R2.

My lucky R2.

Man, you wish you had

the height and girth of D2.

- Yeah!

- Wow!

Hah! Van!

Son of a whore!

The Buce is back.

The Chief fixed it while you were asleep.

The Chief fixed it.

Is he around? Can we thank him?

He's the Chief.

You're the Chief, aren't you?

- Why didn't you say so?

- The Chief likes to refer to

himself in the third person.

It causes confusion,

especially with the b*tches.

Well, you're cool as balls,

you burned-out old hash-head.

Wonder Twins power activate.

It's been interesting.

Thanks.

You need it more than I do.

Wow. Thank you. I, uh-

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

Who's up for Texas, boys?

Lump was limp and lonely

and needed a shove

Lump slipped on a kiss

and tumbled into love

She spent her 20s

between the sheets

Life limped along

at subsonic speeds

- She's lump, she's lump

She's in my head

- Hi.

- Hey-

- She's lump, she's lump, she's lump

- Yeah!

- She might be dead

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