Fancy Pants Page #3

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Punch, milady?

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

You... You... Get out!

You're discharged.

You're fired. You're through!

And don't you ever come back.

Not tonight, tomorrow night or ever!

Now, get out!

- It was an accident, milord.

- Get out!

I know, get out. I know.

Big Squaw.

- Hiya, Mike.

- Hi.

- Howdy, Mr. Floud.

- Howdy.

Hey, Pa.

Now, look here, Cart.

You stop calling me "Pa"!

- What do you hear from Aggie?

- She's on her way home.

Hey, what's this here

"gentleman's gentleman"?

Same as a man's man.

Gentleman's gentleman.

Such a gentleman, even gentlemen

think he's a gentleman.

Well, he'd better not interfere

in my plans.

Aggie and me's getting married

as quick as she gets back.

- That's settled.

- Maybe it ain't settled with Aggie.

Ma wrote that some earl was making

goo-goo eyes at her.

And if that's him, you're in trouble.

You mean he's in trouble.

I'm gonna be meeting that train.

You won't need that clean shirt,

because the earl

ain't never gonna see it, Pa.

Don't call me Pa!

Ma, look. Cart Belknap.

Oh, it's rocky...

- Hi, Cart.

- Cheerio.

- Get away from my girl.

- Well...

- Oh, she just...

- Quiet, junior.

Cart, you let him alone!

Wait, we're going through a tunnel.

Nobody's marrying Aggie but me.

Please, no dancing in here. Please!

Cart!

- Please, we've never been introduced.

- Oh, Cart!

Only a coward hits a coward.

Cart!

- Go get him, Aggie!

- Oh, Ma, let him go.

Go get him!

You don't have to worry.

He jumped.

I hope he jumps

all the way back to England.

Well, you're gonna go get him.

I brought him this far in first-class

condition, ain't gonna lose him now.

I won't do it!

If I bring him back alive, you're

gonna have him riding herd on me.

Git!

Water.

Water!

Water. Water.

I'm going mad. Water! Water!

Mirage. The heat.

I'm going mad!

Water.

Water.

Seltzer. Water. Anything.

He must be drunk.

Buzzards.

Indians. Indians!

Hey, fancy pants!

What's the matter with you?

Have you gone loco?

No time to explain.

Here, hide behind there.

I'll bluff them. I'll defy them.

I'll run!

We'll die together.

What are you raving about,

you knucklehead?

Indians. Midget Indians!

- Howdy, Aggie.

- Need any help?

- No.

- What's the matter with him?

I think he snapped his twig.

Good thing they're your friends

or I'd have wiped them out.

Yeah, like you wiped out Cart Belknap.

Midget Indians.

Is that the blighter that tried

to shoot my toes off?

- What's he got against me?

- He wants to marry me.

I guess he got the silly idea

that you and me were spooning.

Can you imagine anything

so ridiculous?

Preposterous.

You're not even my type, mum.

Just the same, he'd kill any man

that got within hugging range of me.

In that case, I shall look forward

to a long and happy life, milady.

- Come on, fancy pants.

- Coming, mum.

- Come on, help me up.

- Yes, milady.

No! Not like that.

- Cup your hands like this.

- Oh, yes, milady.

That wasn't a very nice thing to do.

I should've given your muscles

more warning.

- Yes, milady.

- You're supposed to boost me up.

Boost. Boost.

Now, there you are.

Shall we take a canter, mum?

Mum? Mum?

Oh, now, what are you doing

down there?

I'm having tea with a groundhog.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, mum.

I was just...

- Shall we, then?

- Not that again.

- Get down on your hands and knees.

- Yes, mum.

We'll do it the blunt way.

- Are you aboard, mum?

- Yes.

- Now, give me your arm.

- Yes, mum.

Not that one, the other one.

- Now, jump up.

- Up. Coming up, mum.

Here we go, mum.

Wouldn't it be much simpler

to call a cab, mum?

I've got a better idea.

- Come on.

- Yes, mum.

When I was in the service

of the earl,

I never had to help his lordship

mount a horse.

One pulled on his boots in the morning

and off at night.

- There were no animals involved.

- Shut up.

- Get up on the rock.

- Yes, mum.

- Face the horse.

- The horse?

Take off your hat.

Effie!

Effie!

Effie!

Yeah? What are you hollering for?

What in the danged blazes

happened to all my clothes?

I burned them.

Every varmint-ridden stitch.

- Burned them?

- Yeah.

Humphrey's bought you

a new bunch of store clothes.

I don't want no store clothes...

Humphrey?

- Who's Humphrey?

- The butler.

Butler?

Yeah, the one

we brought back with us.

You said Aggie was looking

for the gentleman's gentleman.

- That's Humphrey, the butler.

- I thought...

You thought what?

- I just thought.

- I doubt it.

And another thing,

get that rickety old rocking chair

and that spittoon out of here

before he arrives.

Now, get at it.

Aggie.

- Aggie!

- Pa!

- Hi, Pa!

- Aggie, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, Pa, I never seen nothing in Europe

that looks as good as you and home.

Hey, how come you're

so Sunday'd up on Tuesday?

Ma's taken to finery

like a hog takes to slop.

- Is he dead?

- No.

Fainted when I tapped him

with a little rock.

Now tap him with a big rock.

Say he fell off the horse.

- No, Ma would hold me responsible.

- I'm in a pack of trouble, Aggie.

- How come?

- I didn't know he was just a butler.

I told everybody in town he was a earl.

They're fixing to welcome him proper.

Gosh, when Ma finds out, what'll I do?

You won't have to do,

you're gonna be did to.

And all on account of him. Oh, please,

Aggie, just one tap with a rock.

Jiggers, here comes Ma.

I got him, Ma!

Oh, fine. I can just...

- Aggie, if he's broken, so help me...

- Take it easy. He's all right.

- He's very alive, for him.

- Get him down.

OK.

There must be another way

to see America.

What's the matter?

Can't you straighten up?

Something seems to be

out of order, mum.

We ought to put him

out of misery.

If we do, we'll have to bury him

in a bass drum.

Get him in the house!

I'm so glad you're all right, Humphrey.

With a few days' rest,

I'll be miserable again.

I want you to meet the help.

This is Wampum, our hired hand.

And this is Wong, the cook.

- Boys, meet Humphrey.

- Howdy do.

- How.

- Dee-do.

That over there is Mr. Floud.

- Hi.

- Hi, sir.

Now, let's get one thing straight,

Humphrey. I take care of myself.

- That's obvious.

- Now, you look...

Just a minute.

I give the orders around here.

Humphrey, you can begin right now,

lecturing Mr. Floud

on the proper way to act.

- Oh, well, really, Mrs. Floud, I...

- Humphrey.

Well, if I may suggest, sir,

there are ladies present.

- Ladies?

- He means me and Ma.

- Oh, sassafras.

- Now, get upstairs.

- I ain't going till I get me some duds.

- You ain't?

Shall I lay out some fresh things

for Mr. Floud?

We're gonna fill a tub full of

water and lay out Mr. Floud!

- What?

- Bath, mum?

Yes.

- Now, look here, Effie...

- Git!

- You too.

- Oh, but...

- Humphrey.

- Yes, mum...

- May I, sir?

- Yes, yes.

Delicious. Would you...?

I trust you're going to shave, sir.

You can trust one thing, Humphrey:

Nobody's given me no bath

since I was a baby.

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