Fancy Pants Page #4

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Effie may fry my hide,

but any whippersnapper

that tries to give me a bath,

I'm gonna cut him

too short to hang up.

- That one turned gray in your hand.

- Now, you get out.

And keep your mouth shut.

What's the matter, Humphrey?

He desires to soak a bit, mum.

Well, while you're waiting,

you can fix Aggie's hair.

- Bring it in, mum, and I'll give it a go.

- No, Humphrey. Come to her room.

I want you to do her up

like a duchess.

Well, I haven't done up a duchess

for some time, mum, but I'll try.

Get at it.

May I?

What the Sam Hill

do you think you're doing?

- Humphrey's gonna fix your hair.

- I just fixed my hair.

He's gonna make you

look like a duchess.

- I don't wanna look like a duchess.

- Aggie!

Well, what's he know

about fixing a girl's hair?

What do I know?

For ten years, I was in

the employ of Gomez of Paris

as an expert on the coiffure.

- I don't believe it.

- You will after I coif your "fure."

Now, steady, steady.

I'll never forget

Lady Cunningham's hair.

She had me comb it in a huge bun.

It was very striking.

- How uninteresting.

- Yes.

Everywhere, people would say,

"There goes Lady Cunningham.

She's the one with the bun on."

They were quaint folk. Now...

I must do something inspirational,

something with a point.

An outstanding creation.

A monument to me.

I must have some equipment.

Is there a rat or two around here?

- Why don't you look in the mirror.

- Touch.

I must do something tall,

something statuesque.

No, not tall enough.

No.

Why...

...eureka.

Eureka, yes.

Magnifique.

My masterpiece.

I hope it's not molting season.

Milady. Don't look till I leave, milady.

I can't stand flattery.

Oh, you...

You...

Oh, you are tubbing, sir.

Take your underwear off.

It's not cold.

Oh, wait till I get my hands on you.

I tell you, I'll break your neck.

Oh, there you are.

Cheers. We wanted you

to see the final result.

- Humphrey, you've outdone yourself.

- I thought so.

- It's stunning.

- Yeah, it sure stunned me.

Perhaps I did tee the bird

a little high, but I'll brush it up later.

I'll think of something.

Maybe elaborate a little bit,

but I have to get

the curl out of my fingers.

- Good evening, your grace.

- How do you do?

- Greetings, your earlship.

- Ladies, all together.

Welcome to Big Squaw, your grace.

Your gra...?

I'm Jones, publisher

of the Daily Chronicle.

Welcome to Big Squaw, fastest

growing town west of Wagonwheel.

- How do you do?

- I'm Andrews, the undertaker.

Originally came West to dig for gold.

Yeah, well, no sense wasting a shovel.

Your grace, I want you

to meet my daughter.

- She's a little bit shy.

- Shy of what?

So good to see you all, my dears.

- Oh, Effie, you're so lucky.

- Congratulations.

- And your guest. Effie, what a prize.

- You mean Humphrey?

She called him Humphrey,

his first name, right to his face.

I knew Humphrey would

cause quite a splash,

but I had no idea it'd be like this.

Every woman would give anything

to be in your shoes.

Thank you, dear.

Effie, this is the biggest story

my paper ever had.

You've put Big Squaw on the map.

- What?

- Oh, don't tell me you haven't seen it.

"Mrs. Mike Floud announces

the Earl of Bri..."

"Earl of..."

This certainly makes you

queen of Big Squaw society.

- Me? Queen?

- Oh, it's silly, isn't it?

What his lordship means

is that it's silly to make all this fuss

over just a little old visit.

Isn't it, your lordship?

- Oh, but...

- Your collar.

I'll double your salary,

double everything.

Well, as Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead,

and on behalf of my hostess,

allow me to welcome you

to Floud Manor.

Oh, your lordship, it's two minutes

past your teatime.

- How can you endure it?

- Sheer grit.

Shall we tea off, then?

Your daughter looks just like

the Duchess Murdock.

- The duchess?

- Oh, many an afternoon we had tea,

the duchess and I, while her husband

was engaged in his favorite sport.

- Was that cricket?

- Perhaps not, but she was irresistible.

- Oh, this is a fun group, isn't it?

- Oh, it is.

Will you sit here, your lordship?

- Pa, everybody in town's down there...

- Yeah, I heard everything.

He was bad as a butler,

but there'll be no living,

now that everybody thinks he's

an earl. We've got to...

- What are you doing with that bird?

- That's what fancy pants did to me.

- Oh, shut up.

- Aggie...

- What?

- Humphrey's got to go.

- And I know what to do.

- You do?

- And Ma can't blame us for a thing.

- Good.

Belknap thinks something's

between Humphrey and me.

- Yeah?

- Suppose I let him keep thinking it?

Cart would cut out his liver and bile

his gizzard in his own sauce.

One order of biled gizzard coming up.

Oh, yes, I'm enjoying my jaunt

to America most frightfully.

How do American women

compare to English?

Oh, I think your American women

are much prettier.

How about your horses?

Oh, I think your American women

are even prettier than our horses.

Sorry we're late.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hello, Aggie.

- Aggie.

- What?

Haven't I asked you never to enter a

room without curtsying to Humphrey?

Yeah, Ma, I know.

Dear, dear earl, what would

Lady Maude say?

- No carnation in your buttonhole.

- I can't wear them.

It turns my medals green.

Share that.

- Please tell us about your medals.

- Yes, go ahead and tell them.

I've seen him in action.

He's cool as a tub of old bathwater.

Yeah. Some of the things he's done

make my hair stand on end.

Tell me some of your

experiences for my paper.

Oh, no, no, no, please!

His lordship's very tired.

- He's had such a busy day.

- Oh, not at all, not at all.

Now, let me see,

which medal shall I explain first?

Thank you. Well, I think it was

my first year of service out East.

It was my first year of service.

I was a mere lieutenant at the time.

Well, those native chaps

were becoming very nasty.

They'd been stirring up

unrest for weeks.

They meant to wipe us out.

But they were only waiting

for the end of the monsoon.

- Monsoon, that's French for mister.

- Exactly.

Those infernal drums started beating.

"The time to worry," he said,

"is when those infernal drums cease."

Those infernal drums ceased.

I worried.

But he was still

the bravest man out East.

Colonel Jothergill drew me aside.

"It's three against 1,000."

We had to have reinforcements.

- No man could get through.

- The earl was just a boy at the time.

Colonel Jothergill.

Called "Old Spit and Polish." He was

always spitting, and he was Polish.

Well, sir, old Colonel Jothergill

outlined his plan to me.

I volunteered to go ahead for aid.

It was a dangerous mission.

Behind us was a river,

dark and infested with crocodiles.

To the right a jungle,

full of hissing pythons.

And the earl hissed right back

at them, didn't you?

Yes.

To the left, a wall of high cliffs.

And ahead, the enemy.

Three against 1,000.

How horrible!

Exciting, though. Now the dawn was

coming up in the East.

Our spirits were going down

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