Fancy Pants Page #5

---

in the West.

Three against 1,000.

What chance did we have?

And as the sun rose, they attacked.

It would soon be over, we knew.

We shook hands all around,

doled out our last rations of food,

our last drops of water.

Our ammunition practically exhausted.

Then Colonel Jothergill told us

the worst of it.

"Stiff upper lip," he muttered.

"You'll have to face it, chaps."

There was no more tea.

They'd pay dearly for this.

We'd sell our lives at a fearful price.

How to stop them?

How to get out of it? How?

- How.

- How.

There was no more time.

We could hear their frightful howls.

There they were, storming the fort.

Hacking at us.

Screaming, spearing, slashing.

Breaking the British square.

Three against 1,000.

Three, mind you.

You're wonderful.

There I was, with a spear

right through my body.

- Didn't it hurt?

- Only when I laughed.

I drew the spear and started

to hack away.

Colonel Jothergill, who was hacking

away to my right, was hacked down.

Now I really got angry.

I drew my cutlass,

started to hew my way through them.

Slashing, slashing.

Heads, arms, legs, bodies!

There I was, drenched with blood.

Blood!

Drenched with blood, mind you.

Blood.

Well, Mr. Belknap.

Poor chap. Couldn't stand a gory story.

Well, excuse me. I always take a nap

before going to bed. If you...

But your lordship! What happened?

- How did it end?

- Oh, the encounter!

Well, we finally put them to route,

but we all agreed they were three of

the toughest rascals we'd ever fought.

Well, good night.

Good night, then.

What a performance.

Enter, then.

Get out of that bed and make tracks

for the Yellow Dog Saloon.

Them two varmints, Pa and Aggie,

is headed over there in buckskins.

- It's a revolt!

- But Effie,

one does not disturb an earl.

The earl is feeling very earlish

this morning.

Humphrey, in the Morning Chronicle

you may be an earl,

in front of my friends

you may be an earl,

but every payday you're Humphrey,

the butler.

- And your job is Pa and Aggie.

- Oh, but Mrs. Floud, I...

Humphrey.

Yes, mum.

Yes, mum.

Where's my hat?

Wore a high silk hat

And a long tailcoat

I looked just like O'Leary's goat

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay

It's bacon and beans

Most every day

I'd as soon be eating prairie hay

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay

My foot in the stirrups

Roye by the side

Show me a horse that I can't ride

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay, yayyi yay

Singing ki yi yiyyi yayyi yay

Pa, look who's here.

Boys, meet our boarder,

the Earl of Beerstein.

I'm begging your pardon, sir,

the Earl of Brinstead.

What's the difference?

Come on, boys, let's have a beer.

The mater's requested that you

both return to the manor.

What's wrong with our manners here?

Why, I shall personally escort you

both home, mum.

Oh, relax, earl.

Come on, let's talk it over.

Gotta wet our whistles first.

Let's have a beer here.

I'd like to stay, but we really

should be going.

- You know the madam.

- Oh, I sure do, Humphrey. I sure do.

Will she be madder because we lit out

this morning if we come home sober,

or will she get so mad if we

come with beer on our breath,

she'll forget how we lit out?

- Let's have a beer.

- It's too late...

Oh, never mind. Sam! Come on, Sam!

Hurry up with that beer!

By Jove, they're alive!

Jolly.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Here you are, earl.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Get Cart!

Hey!

Fancy pants

You're a pussyfooting critter

When you see a gal, you skitter

Hey, you!

Fancy pants

Oh, you dropped your pretty hankie

Mama's gonna spankie

Hey!

Fauntleroy

Women who crave men

Wanna love cavemen

Say, angel boy

Show some grit

That's what you gotta get

Hey!

Fancy pants

You're a highfalutin geezer

Afraid to take a gal and squeeze her

Hey, you!

Fancy pants

Run to mama for protection

How's your stamp collection?

Hey!

Pantywaist

Looking at us stomping and cussing

What you scared about?

Take a chance

If you're rooting and tooting

Folks will quit a-hooting

"There goes fancy pants"

Fancy pants.

Chaser.

Mind you, my throat was only slightly

cut from ear to ear,

but I had to hold my head because

the tissue was broken.

If I could only get back to the base,

I could recover in a fortnight.

Five days, you know.

Then it happened.

- What?

- In all Africa,

I've never come across

a more ferocious beast.

There it stood in the pitch-black night,

its immense size completely dwarfing

the elephant I was riding.

How could you tell how big it was?

The dark night made his

white coat stand out.

You see, when you...

Hello, Mr. Belknap.

Well, it's crumpet time.

I must be jogging along.

No, earl.

- I'd like to hear the rest.

- You better be careful, chap.

You know what happened last night.

Maybe this time I can take it.

Well, if you want to risk it.

Now, where was I?

You were looking at that big animal

in the dark.

I was? Oh, I was.

Yes, yes, yes.

Well, its white coat stood out.

Largest polar bear I've ever seen.

- Must have been...

- They don't belong in Africa.

That's what I kept telling him.

He kept coming.

I kept retreating, step by step.

What happened to that big elephant?

I sent him for help.

I think. Yes.

Well, there he was.

I stood there, unarmed,

except for a spear

an unfriendly native

left in my chest.

- But it only hurt when you laughed.

- Yes.

I withdrew the spear, staggered back,

weak from the loss of blood.

I was all blood. Dripping with blood!

Even the bear was bloody.

Aren't you feeling a little faint?

No.

Did I tell you the ground

was covered with blood?

I said that. Well, it's crumpet time.

I better be jogging...

You know what I would have done?

- Well, I...

- I'd have twisted his neck, like this!

What?

Then I'd have got him by the ears

and I'd have just yanked them off!

I wish you'd been there.

Then I'd have got a couple of hands

full of fur and I'd have pulled them off!

- Well...

- Pa, maybe we better stop Cart.

Oh, he's just getting warmed up.

I wish Humphrey would make a move

so Cart could let go.

Can't expect Humphrey

to face up to Cart.

- Then you know what I would do?

- Let me guess.

- All right, go ahead and guess.

- You'd have taken your trusty rifle

and you'd just let him have it like that.

Cheerio!

Pretty good, eh, Effie?

Oh, Mr. Mayor, it's so big it scares

the daylights out of me!

President Teddy Roosevelt!

He's making a swing through

the Western territory.

Wouldn't have touched Big Squaw,

but when I wired about the earl,

he wired right back he'd be delighted!

Land o' Goshen!

Of course, he can stay right here

with you, can't he?

Here? In my house?

I'd be tickled stiff!

Maybe if we treat him real nice,

he'll recommend Congress

change this territory into a state.

- Land's sakes!

- And Effie...

...you'd be queen of the state!

- Oh, mayor!

I gotta start organizing my committee.

Goodbye, Effie.

Congratulations, Aggie! Mike!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes