Fancy Pants Page #6

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President Roosevelt's coming

here to see Humphrey!

Isn't that wonderful? Oh, Mike!

- What?

- I'd have swore

she said the president was coming.

That's what I did say.

Isn't it wonderful?

- Ma, have you been in the applejack?

- No, Mike, it's true!

What's he wanna see Humphrey for?

Because he thinks

Humphrey's the earl.

Where is Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Teddy Roosevelt, eh?

Well, I'll be hog-tied.

- Where is Humphrey?

- Go ahead, you tell her.

Well, the last time we saw him,

he was heading out of town.

- Out of town?

- Yeah, he was going...

All of a sudden

he got lonesome for London.

You two! I might have known

you'd do something like this!

- We did nothing!

- Get on your horse and get him!

- Don't come back without him!

- We might get in trouble.

We'll get in worse trouble

if we didn't have him. Now, git!

And you. Get out of them clothes!

Now, wait a minute. Take it easy.

I was going to.

Humphrey!

Wait!

Hey, fancy pants!

What is this, branding time? Leave me

alone. I wanna get out of here.

Well, I don't blame you.

Me and Pa were awful ugly.

Cart Belknap isn't exactly

a chamber-of-commerce welcome.

Go away. I was doing all right

on this until you came.

I didn't wanna come, Ma sent me.

- I knew you'd say no.

- Well, you knew right.

You know, it took a lot of nerve,

squirting water at Cart's face.

That's why I figured you could

meet President Roosevelt.

Yeah, well, I got the nerve to face

anybody. You don't think that I'm...

Who?

See, everybody in Big Squaw

thinks you're a real earl.

Teddy Roosevelt's coming

to town just to meet you.

So President Roosevelt's

coming to meet the Earl of Brinstead

and no earl.

Well, you're gonna look pretty silly.

Your ma and pa and this whole

silly little town are gonna look silly.

You'll have to change the name

to Big Silly.

Well, at that,

it might be worse if you stayed.

You might be able to make

country folks think you're an earl,

but I reckon President Roosevelt's

met some real earls.

Presidents can be fooled.

They vote for themselves, don't they?

- I made you think I was a butler.

- That's easy, you are.

Look, I've been waiting a long time to

take some bows for my performance.

I'm no earl. I'm no butler.

I'm not even Humphrey.

My name is Arthur Tyler

and I'm an actor.

- An actor? Gosh!

- If you'll get off my handcar, I'll leave.

Why did you pretend to be a butler?

I was stranded in London flat broke.

So flat they threw me out of the hotel

without opening the door.

I could make Roosevelt think I was

the Earl of Brinstead. But I won't.

If you're an actor,

we've got a chance.

If you're a good actor, this could

be the biggest job ever.

Imagine playing an English earl

for President Roosevelt

with me and Ma and Pa to applaud.

Yeah, and I'd be the star.

That's a step up.

And an audience of three.

That's a step up.

Sure, you put Big Squaw on the map,

you can't just wipe it off now.

A lot of innocent people

in town are depending on you.

Innocent. How about Cart Belknap?

Tell him we're nothing to each other

so he'd stop trying put my head

in his trophy room.

Sure, I'll tell him that we don't

mean anything to each other.

You'll be perfectly safe.

And then after the president leaves,

you can go away again.

Gee, President Roosevelt.

A command performance.

I accept this role,

but for a one-night stand only.

Then I must go on tour.

Anyplace, just so it's away.

Everybody's gonna be real grateful

to you for this.

And I mean everybody, Arthur.

Hang on!

Yes, President Roosevelt,

I'm the Earl of Brinstead.

Oh, wait until my agent

hears about this.

Here we go.

Oh, woe is me

What goes with me

I hate this living I've chose for me

Tired of meeting misery

Should've never roamed

And left that

Home cooking

Home cooking

Life is cruel

I was a fool to roam

A rolling stone don't get no moss

It don't get nothing but double-cross

See the world, that's apple sauce

Never get your nose too far from

Home cooking

Home cooking

I'm afraid I should've stayed at home

I meet a gal

Her name is Sal

I wanna keep her in my corral

But she says she's just a yal

And she's never home when you want

Home cooking

Home cooking

- It's been too long

- Life is cruel, I was a fool to roam

Too long from Hong Kong

Far from wigwam

Me heap big brave

I miss my squaw

I even miss my squaws-in-law

- Hunt with Minnehaha's ya

- Feed yayoose a half a moose

How? Home cooking

Give me that home cooking

Sit on rug and ugh, ugh, ugh with tribe

Give me Hong Kong, Hankow

Where I'm choy-choy

Number one boy

Shanghai, Foochow

Marry pretty girl Ming Toy for

Home cooking

Home cooking

Reckon Chinese fellow

Like home chow

I went abroad and how I hawed

Them English critters

Ain't never thawed

When a duke says, "Yes, milord"

Partner, you can hear me yell for

- Home cooking

- Pile it on

Home cooking

Some fancy pants might

stand a chance with me

- Blow them peace pipe smoke rings

- Rice cake, kumquat, plenty to spare

Real fine wingdings

Rocking in a rocking chair, that's

- Home cooking

- Sniff it, then

Home cooking

A quiet life is quite the life for me

- Yes, give me that home cooking

- Scoop it up

Home cooking

That's the life for me

- Jiggers, Ma! Here comes Ma!

- What happened?

- Ma!

- What?

Everyone's all right.

The president's coming to our house.

Dear boy.

Now, I do hope everybody's

got this straight.

The mayor and welcoming committee

will bring him here from the depot.

Out on the porch,

the Silver Cornet Band will be playing.

And Humphrey, you'll be waiting

upstairs with your monocle

and your full dress suit until that

fellow with the bugle plays "Ta-da".

- "Ta-da".

- And then you start downstairs.

Everybody cheers

till you get downstairs

and Pa introduces you

to Mr. Roosevelt.

- And you, Aggie.

- What?

If you forget to curtsy,

I'll bust your curtsier.

- All right.

- This party's coming off right

- or them responsible's gonna suffer.

- Yes, Ma.

- I'll get it, mum.

- I'll get it, I'll get it.

Gol darn it, quit calling me mum.

You're the Earl of Brinstead.

It's probably just Carrie

with her potato salad.

Humphrey, I just wanna tell you

it was mighty nice of you

to come back and be earl

after the way we treated you.

That's quite all right, old chap.

- You can call me Pa if you like.

- Oh, thanks, Pa.

What a season!

I do hope Carrie hasn't overloaded

her potato salad with onions again.

- All right, bring it in.

- How do you do? Mrs. Floud?

Fainted.

Put her in that chair.

- That's the trouble with surprise visits.

- That's right.

She'll be all right.

Oh, here, now. Here, now.

What's amiss, you chaps?

- What are you doing?

- She's fainted.

- Don't stand there, get some water.

- Certainly.

There's been

so much excitement.

The president's coming

and everybody's way up there.

Give her some brandy.

It's not very good, but it'll help.

I think...

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