Fat Camp

---

[spray can rattles]

[young boy] My name is Hutch

and I got Something on my mind

Baby Jill

You probably get this

All the time

Cats steppin' to you

Spittin' you a corny line

So I thought I'd put My

feelings for you In a rhyme

It's pretty easy for me

'Cause you're so fine

Check out Myspace Or Friendster

If you need to vet me

Be my girl and life for us

Will be sweeter than Pepsi

And not diet either

So, what do you think?

[scoffs]

- [woman moaning]

- [man] Damn, Kelly, you're so special.

I think you might be the one.

[groans]

[both panting]

- Hutch...

- Oh!

Mom, private space.

This is my house.

Every space is my space.

[Kelly]

You live with your mother?

- What'd I tell you about them Beckys?

- Ah, her name is Kelly.

Whatever. Do you know

what today is, Hutch?

Yes, the day that you

crossed the boundary

- by being in here while I'm trying to get busy.

- No.

Four years ago you graduated

from college, and we had a deal.

The deal was that you would have a

job by today or be out of my house.

Ma, I know that, but...

But nothing.

You are out of here today.

No more extensions.

No more excuses.

Ma, come on.

I am the victim here, okay?

- I'm an overeducated millennial that's trying to just...

- Here.

That's so you can rinse

that bullshit out your mouth.

Ma!

We're done.

Ma!

Mama.

Mama, listen.

Look, I know it's the

deadline, all right?

But you gotta give me

more time.

You don't want your baby boy out here in the

streets just working no regular-ass job.

I'm gonna tell you

what I don't want.

Is for my son to keep on

embarrassing me.

Mama, how am I embarrassing you?

Did you know when you were

in the fifth grade,

Miss Humphries

pulled me to the side.

I hope she ain't

breathe on you, man,

'cause her mouth was like

an a**hole with teeth.

Stop it with the jokes!

She said,

"Barb, you got a good one.

He's got looks,

brains, heart."

Whatever happened

to that boy?

- He became a man, grew up, you know?

- [cell phone vibrating]

Matter of fact,

just got an interview

right now.

I'm about to go crush it.

Pack your sh*t today,

or I will.

Okay.

- I'm not playing with you, Hutch.

- You look nice, Mama.

[man] I texted you guys

because I have exciting news.

I proposed to Maggie last night.

- She said yes!

- Congratulations.

You're getting married, man?

That's so damn gay.

Okay, Maggie's a woman, so it's

actually the opposite of gay.

Yeah, but you're 26, man. Why you

wanna be tied down to one beaver?

Because I'm in love with the woman

that's attached to that "beaver."

Gross. Anyway, I got

an announcement too.

I'm moving

out of my mama's crib.

- That's awesome.

- Yeah, 'cause that sh*t was getting sad, bro.

And I'm moving in

with one of y'all, so...

Absolutely not.

Come on, man. We always talked

about being roommates.

We said that when we was 13.

I'll pay rent.

[scoffs]

Y'all just get me a job

at one of your companies.

You work out constantly, and you can't

even keep a job as a personal trainer.

That's because they wanted me to

wake up at 8:
00-freaking-AM, man.

Roosters don't even be up

that damn early.

Hey, tough love time, bro.

You're becoming a loser.

Sorry, man.

You're on your own.

Y'all for real?

[sucks teeth] Man, y'all

some f***ing sellouts, man.

You know what? Don't ask Hutch for sh*t.

How 'bout that?

What could we ever

need from you?

- Whatever, man. I don't need this sh*t.

- Hey, Hutch, wait.

- We actually do need something.

- [chuckles]

That's what I thought.

You got a grilled buffalo chicken

salad and four vodka sodas.

- You owe us $38.

- [scoffs]

Yeah, well,

congratulations... a**holes.

Oh! What the hell, Ma?

Uh, uh, uh, back that up.

Back that up.

- I need my life back.

- Mom, come on.

I can't even have friends over

here, especially male friends,

with your grown ass

in my house.

You wanna kick me out the house so you

can have random saggy-balled mens

running around naked

in the crib from MILFme.com?

- Yes!

- What am I supposed to do?

That should be your problem, but since your

mother knows that you're completely useless,

I have contacted

your Uncle Mike,

and he now has a job for you.

Bingo!

You've got a job.

- Oh, hell no.

- Give me my keys.

Ma, I cannot spend my whole summer

with a bunch of "before" pictures.

- I will blow my brains out.

- Well, you know where my gun is.

- Give me my keys.

- Ma, come on.

Fat is contagious.

I can catch it in the skin.

Now you have six weeks to figure out

what you're gonna do with your life.

- Keys!

- Ma, I had a dope-ass interview today.

Crushed it, crushed it...

Oh, I guess that's why I received

a text from your boy Dave saying,

"Tell Hutch he owes me $38 for his

food and drinks at happy hour."

Oh, he's such a b*tch

for that!

- Keys.

- Come on, Ma!

Keys.

Mom.

- Ow!

- No keys.

Now, you go crush

that fitness camp,

or you'll be crushing

a homeless shelter.

- You ain't even using "crushing" right.

- Go crush yourself!

- [sucks teeth]

- [door opens, closes]

[announcer] At Camp Vision, we create

a safe environment for your child

while stressing

nutrition and exercise.

They'll have too much fun to

notice the pounds are flying off.

- Welcome.

- F*** my life, man.

[hip-hop playing]

[man rapping]

This road I take

Choices to make

Adios, I'm ghost

C'est la vie

Make room

Please excuse me

Don't get in my way

Don't-Don't just stand there

Move

This road I take

Choices to make

Adios, I'm ghost

C'est la vie

Make room

Please excuse me

Don't get in my way

Don't-Don't just stand there

Move, move

To the max I can't

relax I'm doing 100

Movement of the stomach Got

me thinking Of the summer

To the top Can't drop

Can't plummet, can't stop

Gonna gun it Trying

to get it Got a point

Want it like You want

to breathe Indeed

Get up off them knees

Proceed

Think it's less on wants

More on needs

More success to come

I must bleed

[rap continues]

Encore, take a bow

Will vow for anyone

We're going to show them how Get

it down To the simplest minimum

Move, move, move

Fuuuuck.

Come in.

Yo, Uncle Mike, what up?

Hey, look. First off,

it's "Big Mike" around here.

I can't have people thinking this is

a nepotism hire, as it clearly is.

It's totally merit-based.

You have zero merit

on which to base it, okay?

Trust me, I would've said no,

but I'm as desperate as you are.

Yeah, shocking.

Another crisis for the big man.

Not quite as desperate.

I have lodging.

Ouch, man, damn.

Look, I'm sorry.

Your aunt really left me

in a lurch.

Sorry, man. Must be tough

when your wife leaves you

for another woman...

that you hired.

Couldn't have seen that

on her rsum.

Look, I can do this job

in my sleep, okay?

But I'm not a marketer.

She used to do all the websites,

and the Twitters and stuff.

Now that she's gone,

my attendance is sh*t.

I can't do two people's jobs, Hutch.

I'm one person.

What about on a airplane?

F*** you, I'm one person.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes