Fat Camp Page #2

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Okay.

I dunno. Maybe I should just

burn this place down

and retire off the insurance

money or something.

Yo, come on, Uncle Mike, chill.

You got a sponsor or somebody I can call to

help you with all this sh*t you going through?

Hutch...

I need you

to listen to me.

I need big results this summer

to attract more campers...

or I'm gonna lose this place.

Good. Then you can get a job

where you don't have to watch

an elephant parade

all goddamn day.

That's a really nice way

to say thank you.

- For what?

- For giving you a job, a**hole.

At a fat camp?

Thank you.

"Fitness camp."

All right, man, "fitness camp."

From what your mom tells me,

this is your last shot.

Otherwise you're gonna end up

in a homeless shelter,

getting raped

by a schizophrenic named Tobias

who thinks he's a unicorn

and hasn't showered in months.

What?

Look, bottom line is...

you got no place else to go,

and my camp could actually benefit

from your fitness acumen.

But I need you

to take this job seriously,

'cause unlike your mom,

I'm not giving you 20 chances.

My camp, my rules.

My hell. Thank you.

Hey.

You know, you could learn to love

this place, if you let yourself.

Actually, try loving anything

besides yourself.

You must be Hutch Daley.

I'm Charlie Soto.

Welcome to Camp Vision,

California's premier fitness camp.

Fat camp.

I'm your CIT...

your counselor-in-training.

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.

Bottom bunk.

Oh, well, counselors usually

take the bottom...

I will not sleep a wink if I'm worried

about your fat ass crushing me from above.

Oh, oh, oh.

You missed orientation.

Um, don't worry though.

I'll fill you in.

Just tell me where to be at at

what time so I don't get fired.

I don't care about kids or their

self-esteem or helping them

under their layers of lard,

all right?

[chuckles]

Edgy humor.

You're like a young Don Rickles.

- But I promise you're gonna fall in love with all our boys.

- No homo, man, damn.

No, I'm heterosexual.

Common mistake.

[Big Mike]

Welcome, campers,

to a healthy, prosperous

summer at Camp Vision.

Please tell all your

fitness-challenged friends about us

so we can get more

paying customers...

I mean,

so we can change more lives!

This is the best day of summer.

[sniffs]

Just smell that excitement

in the air.

I smell trapped

fat-fold sweat.

Welcome, camper.

I'm Charlie, this is Hutch. And we're

here to help you battle your bulge.

Jamar Hilton Jeffers

reporting for camp, sir!

Welcome back.

But what are you doing here?

You look incredible.

Please don't patronize me, Charlie.

I'm a soft, gross mess.

[man rapping] Yo, on the East

Coast We got the West Coast

Kyle Danson in the hizzy!

Damn, girl, you fine.

I'll go ahead and get your number so I'll

keep you updated with Carl's progress.

It's Kyle.

And no.

Overseas with

My bank account

It says that we have one more

camper here.

[tires screeching]

Come on!

I don't need to lose weight.

I'm a fricking stud!

I will not be fat-shamed.

You can all go to hell!

What's the b*tch sitch

like around here?

'Cause I brought hella rubbers.

- What's up, piggies?

- [car horn honks]

Watch out, kids!

It's Lone Pine.

- [groans]

- [boys laughing]

- [groans]

- Losers!

Hey, Lone Pine, f*** off!

That's okay.

F*** my life.

[laughing, chattering]

All right, gentlemen,

let's circle up.

Welcome to our first

nightly devotions.

Hutch, can you put

your phone away, please?

Why you dressed like that?

Got a hot date? [chuckles]

- Can we smell your fingers later?

- [boy chuckles]

Hutch and I are going

to a staff banquet.

And if I did

ever third-base a lady,

I would never share her essence.

Let's go around the room.

Say our names,

where we're from,

and why we're here at camp

and then something fun.

Okay. I'm Charlie.

I'm from sunny San Clemente.

And my favorite band is

Nickelback, obviously.

And I'm here at camp

to help you guys get fit.

Uh, I'm Andy,

from Santa Barbara.

- My doctor made me come...

- No homo.

- Hutch, seriously?

- His doctor made him come.

Sounds like his MD

gave him an HJ.

He didn't.

I've got the chubby trinity: high

cholesterol, hypertension, and Type 2 'betes.

Who's next?

Oh, well,

I'm Jamar from Riverside.

It was my third summer

coming here,

and I won't stop till I've got ripped

abs, solid delts and chiseled calves.

My goal is to get fit,

play high school ball,

become a marine,

then a senator, then president.

Hey, don't send

any dick pics, all right?

That sh*t comes back

to haunt you.

I'm Kyle, and I'm here

for one reason:

p*ssy!

[laughs]

A nigga like me is

tryin' to get his dick wet up.

Wait, time out.

Rewind!

What did you just say?

I said "a" not "er."

One love.

You say that disrespectful sh*t

again, you're gonna get one punch.

My bad, bro.

- [sighs]

- Anyway,

instead of getting shot down

by skinny b*tches all summer,

I'm boxing in a more

realistic weight class.

I can respect

that sh*t.

[clears throat]

[grunts]

Um, I'm Marshall

from Lake Elsinore,

and I'm a sexy b*tch

who's here against my will.

This whole place is a bullshit

farm to make us skinny.

For what?

I mean, look at me.

I'm great!

Noted.

That just leaves Hutch.

Yo, I'm Hutch. Duh.

From Long Beach. LBC in

the muthafuckin' hizzouse.

Great! Bedtime.

A good night's sleep is the

first step towards weight loss.

Oh, yeah,

and y'all figure out your

beat-off schedules, all right?

'Cause it's real creepy

if we get involved.

Uh, bro.

Kyle,

what's a beat-off schedule?

Oh, got it.

Yeah, sure thing.

[classical music, faint]

I told you

you should've dressed nicer.

[scoffs] I ain't wasting my sexy

on these she-whales. You crazy?

Holy boner parade.

Who is that?

She's a knockout, right?

Beautiful, and she

doesn't even know it.

Yo, what's her name?

Candace.

One day I'm gonna work the nerve

to ask her out.

Most girls her size wouldn't wear a white dress

like that, but she is really working it.

I'm sorry,

are your eyes broken, man?

She's not wearing

a white dress.

Wait, that's the girl you

nervous to ask out? [laughs]

Yeah, I can't get her

to notice me.

Put some bacon in your pocket.

Motherf***er is crazy.

That girl, man.

Who is that girl?

Oh, that's, uh...

that's Abby Krupa.

Oh.

She's cute too, if you're

into that type of thing.

Everybody's

into that type of thing.

[Candace] My job won't stop until it

sucks the goddamn soul out of me.

- I know.

- 'Sup, girl?

- Hey!

- I'm Hutch Daley.

Yeah, I know. I don't know

what we did in our past lives

to end up

at this blubber farm,

but you are

a sight for sore eyes.

All right, everybody.

- [feedback squeals]

- Does this thing work?

Settle down. There's gonna be plenty

of time for socializing, catching up.

Dinner's coming out soon.

And nothing contains peanuts 'cause

I can't afford another lawsuit.

Right?

[laughs]

Want a hit?

I want to listen

to Big Mike's speech.

- [Big Mike] This is...

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