Fat Camp Page #3

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- [liquid pouring]

the most important summer

in our camp's history.

Well, because this camp is pretty

damn close to going broke.

Yo, you ever thought

that your hotness

gets in the way of people

taking you seriously?

By "I want to listen,"

I meant "be quiet."

I dig a woman that knows

what she wants.

Okay then.

Shut the f*** up so I can

listen to my boss's speech.

All right, so, um,

new incentive policy! Huh?

The counselor whose campers lose

the highest cumulative body fat...

gets a $5,000 bonus!

- [all gasping]

- Before taxes.

If you have any questions, guys,

check in with Abby Krupa,

our "AK-47," and reigning

queen of weight loss.

She holds the record for

47 pounds lost by one camper.

But, you know, hey, hey.

I see some new faces, ya know?

Maybe one of them might challenge

the throne, you never know.

Hell yeah.

Sh*t, for five G's.

Boy, I'll put my finger down these kids'

throats myself, choke 'em out. Bow-bow!

Bulimia, you know, isn't part of

the program, but that's great.

Abby, it looks like you've got

some competition on your hands.

Only downside is the bonus was supposed

to be the end-of-summer dance money.

So we're gonna be combining

the dance with Camp Lone Pine.

Um, it's good to see you guys.

Um, enjoy dinner.

[clears throat]

[counselors groaning]

[snoring]

[panting]

[Abby]

Come on. Let's line up.

Are you eating right now?

We just had breakfast, man.

- Uh, it's a banana, sir.

- I know what it is!

[gasps]

Look, that thing's

loaded with sugar, guys.

What's the one thing you can eat

that has zero calories?

That pink pastry.

- How would a pastry have zero calories?

- It means "cooter," vag.

Listen up. Focus.

You guys think y'all have, like, I

dunno, a little bit of baby fat?

Yeah? No.

You got grown-man fat

on your little baby bodies.

Your lives are gonna suck dead donkey

dick if you don't focus up and fix it.

Right now, okay?

Kettle bells.

Come on. Let's go.

Ladies, kettle bells.

Just 15 pounds. We start

slow and learn to love it.

We still talking

about exercise?

No, nothing less than

than 40, all right?

This ain't no p*ssy-ass

Pilates class, okay?

We're building man muscle here.

Let's go. Come on.

- [man rapping] Girl, I wanna

- Do it

- Don't you wanna

- Do it

You guys suck!

- Can we

- Do it

- Let's go

- Do it

[groaning]

- You know you wanna

- Do it

- Quit playing, girl

- Do it

Good job, ladies. Keep it up.

Keep it up!

Man down! Man...

Help me.

[rapping continues]

[grunting]

Come on!

D-O I- D-O I-T

This is how we do it

When we crash your party

- I wanna

- Do it

- Don't you wanna

- Do it

You're tired already, man? We've

only been out here 20 minutes.

What are you gonna do at the dance when

you're trying to get your swerve on?

We won't be

swerving anything, man.

It's a joint dance

with Lone "Peen."

Aw, come on,

you guys are gonna love it.

It's only the most

magical night of the summer.

- Hell no! I don't dance.

- Why? I'm sure you can dance...

- Oh, is it because I'm black?

- Yeah.

Well, I can't dance.

- Hmm.

- Did I tell y'all to stop sweating?

Why's it with Lone Pine?

I used to go there.

I know what they'll do to us.

- What?

- They throw raw pork products at us.

Then you'd better run

your porky asses on, man.

Sulking is a shitty

calorie burner.

- Let's go. Come on!

- [clapping]

Come on, ladies, come on.

Yes, you can do it!

- Don't you wanna

- Do it

Great job.

- Let's go

- Do it

- Should we

- Do it

Could we

Come on. Yes!

You can do it. Come on.

Seven...

[groaning]

[groans]

[whimpering]

Y'all pathetic, man.

Seriously.

My grandma could do

these workouts, man,

and she's been dead

for three years.

Maybe tomorrow we ease up,

let their muscles repair?

Hell no, Charlie.

Who cares

if we lose weight, man?

I do, Marshall.

I need that f***ing money.

Dope-ass apartments

don't pay for themselves.

What money?

Huh. We get a bonus

of a thousand dollars

if y'all lose all that weight

by the end of summer.

I don't think we're supposed to

be sharing that with them...

If I win that thousand, I'll give

each of y'all a hundred bucks.

- I'm listening.

- I'm listening too.

- My man.

- Bribery? Man, you suck.

You're goddamn right. All right, so

let's review strategies, all right?

For meals.

What do they consist of?

- Protein and vegetables.

- Thank you.

What do we eat

if we're craving carbs?

Brown rice and sweet potatoes

and p*ssy.

- You are what you eat.

- That's disgusting.

- What do we completely avoid?

- Listening to your ass.

- White bread, white rice...

- White women?

Ah, I'll put that in the

moderation category, brother.

Trust me on that.

Yeah, moderation.

Yeah, you feel me, Kyle.

All right,

pigs-in-a-blanket time, baby!

Yes! We finally

get a cheat treat.

- I'm starving!

- Hell no. You ain't getting no cheat treat.

It's bedtime. Y'all the pigs.

Now get in the goddamn blankets!

[groans]

Ain't no goddamn pancakes.

I need that money.

Lights out! Go to bed!

Look, all I'm saying is that it's hard

enough whipping these kids into shape.

You can't keep

undermining my authority.

I'm in charge here,

and that's...

Goddamn. Why'd you

hit me like that, man?

Can you help me talk to her?

[giggles]

I think you're beyond help,

all right?

Let's just get some

liquid courage into you.

Whoa. I'm a CIT.

I'm allowed to go into the Legion,

but I'm not allowed to drink.

Oh, party never ends

with you, huh?

I don't think so.

So why do they call

this the Legion?

It's an American Legion post.

So not only are you

catching a buzz,

but you're also

supporting the veterans.

Yeah, I'm nothing

if not a patriot.

This place is exactly

like I imagined it.

It smells like post-adolescent

high jinks, and summer romance...

And mildew

and colostomy bags.

Why would anyone

hang out here?

Oh, well,

because they don't card.

Every camp staff within

a 20-mile radius comes here.

I swear to God, if you hit me like that

again, I will sh*t on your pillow.

Help me. Help me.

Help me. Help me.

- I'm not going to.

- Please?

No.

What's up, Hutch?

Since you're a newbie,

first round's on me.

- Hmm.

- Hey, Candace.

- Hey.

- You look amazing.

Thanks, Charlie.

You're finally old enough

to come to the Legion,

and pretty soon

you can actually drink.

Hello, gorgeous.

I'm gonna leave you guys

to whatever the f*** this is.

[man]

Falling out of love again

Falling down

And lost a friend

Time

'Sup.

Good job today.

Really nailed it.

So you were watching me,

like, all day.

Couldn't keep your eyes

off a brother, huh?

Oh, that's your takeaway?

Look, this whole back-and-forth,

hard-to-get thing is cute, Abby,

but I will get you.

And I will get you hard.

[laughs]

It's like you're doing this really

shitty impression of a pickup artist.

What is this whole front

you have going on?

I don't front. [scoffs]

Hutch keeps it one hunnit.

"Duh, Hutch keeps it 100. Yeah, you

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