Fat Camp Page #4

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can't take your beautiful eyes off me."

No one said beautiful.

Your eyes are all right, okay.

Oh, now you're negging me?

Yeah, some of us

haven't fully matured.

Matured, all right. Yeah, we can

talk about maturity over a drink.

- What you having?

- An annoying conversation.

I heard beer.

Yo, my man.

Yo, excuse me, old man.

Hey! Yo!

Jimbo. Zip it.

Thirsty customer.

Yeah.

Give me a vodka soda

and a beer.

[sighs]

Vodka soda and a beer.

Okay.

Jimbo's eyes and ears

are going.

They should Old Yeller him, but

some people find that inhumane.

[laughing]

- Douglas Alvarez.

- Hutch Daley, man. I work at Vision.

- You mean "Camp Virgin," where boners go to die?

- Yeah, right.

Sh*t, they ain't all bad though.

Ooh, careful. That one's

a tough nut to crack.

- Oh, yeah? You tried to hit it?

- I did hit it.

Took her to a nice dinner, then

turned that thing inside out.

Then she ghosted me.

It would hurt, but I

respect her game too much.

Feel that.

I'm sure there's

other good p*ssy at Vision.

Big girls work harder in bed. It's

how they reward you for slumming it.

- I don't got to worry about that at Lone Pine though.

- You work at Lone Pine?

Yes, sir. Nothing but

cool bros and down hos.

- Come on. I'll introduce you.

- Ah, nah, I gotta take these drinks to...

Ghosted.

[sharp exhale]

- Feel like blazing up?

- Oh, my dude.

- Man!

- Easy, Daley.

Except for a few junior high circle

jerks, I'm a strict vag-eterian.

[laughing]

Circle jerks?

[Big Mike on PA]

Good morning, campers and staff.

Week one is almost over,

and if you're going through

junk food withdrawals,

remember, it gets better.

What are you doing?

Pinch my skin together

like this.

[shutter snaps]

- [giggles]

- Really?

Is that for Sean?

Um, Eric.

I bagged me a Lone Piner.

He sent me this.

What the hell is that?

[giggling continues]

Rebecca!

I mean, he has a vagina

in his armpit,

but other than that

he's really hot.

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe I should just stay with Sean.

- Do you think he's out of my league?

- No. Absolutely not.

Look, when I was your age, there was

this guy who did these stupid raps.

I mean, I was chubby,

but he was way overweight.

His rap name was Big Brotha,

which was really stupid, but,

you know, I thought it was

cute 'cause I liked him.

So I asked him out.

You know what he said?

What?

He said he wouldn't date

a fat girl.

Don't assume that because you have the same

weight issues that makes you compatible.

What kind of guys do you like?

[sighs]

The wrong ones.

Hello, ladies.

[woman]

Money, money

I just can't get enough

Dollar, dollar

I just can't get enough

Come on, Becca.

You got this.

- Brother, brother

- Let's do this.

[Hutch]

Come on. Let's do this.

Just to buy the things

That keep you satisfied

Let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go!

Push! Push!

- Come on. Let's go. Let's go!

- [Charlie] Come on.

Money, money

It's all about the money

[groans]

- [panting]

- It's all about the money

Money, money

- I just can't get enough

- Come on.

Man, Hutch, why do we have to

wear backpacks full of sand?

Where are we, Guantanamo?

Seriously, Hutch,

this is so lame.

This sucks, Hutch.

Running through the woods is for

serial killers and runaway slaves.

- Hey!

- No offense, Jamar.

I'm neither of those,

dick.

Guys! Shut up,

stop complaining.

Sweating before a weigh-in

is a great thing.

Man, I'm either gonna pass out,

sh*t my pants or both.

Please do both. You do not wanna

be awake for the pants-shitting.

Guys, part of camp is finding

motivation to do things like this...

- [Hutch] Holy sh*t, a rattlesnake!

- [rattling]

Oh, my God. It's a rattlesnake!

Everybody, run!

Go, go, go, go!

It's a rattler app.

[laughing]

Yeah, motivation. You know?

See, I knew you weren't

that bad of a guy.

Ooh, "Rattler." That sounds like a

hook-up app for kindergartners.

Damn! I just made my first million, baby.

[laughing]

Jamar, let's get you up here.

Week one.

All right,

how we doing this week?

Uh...

- Four pounds. That's how we're doing this week.

- Yeah!

Ooh!

When I get that five Gs,

I'm gonna get the most baller

of baller-ass apartments, dawg.

Gonna be like, "Yo, does Bill Gates

live there?" "Nah, that's Hutch Daley."

- "I shoulda known"...

- Can I ask you something?

Eight inches, man, strong.

# blessed, you know?

You said that I needed to "step

on my game" to get with girls.

- But how do I do that to get with Candace?

- Step up your game, man.

Get your slang game together,

all right?

Also, look, man,

you need to lose some weight.

Don't no girl want to be holding up your

stomach while she's sucking your dick.

That's too much work,

you know what I mean?

Yo, how much weight we lose?

Five percent?

Seven percent?

Holy sh*t, double digits?

- I'm a bad motherf***er I'm a bad motherf***er

- Really?

Hutch, you moron, you realize your

kids gained a total of six percent?

What?

What the f*** is wrong

with you dickwads?

- You should be embarrassed of yourselves.

- Hey, no, no.

Hey, don't do that.

Their weight loss is your job.

You failed, not them.

All right?

I knew I couldn't count on you.

It's like

you're incapable of success.

I didn't even

want to be here, Big Mike.

Then I'll tell you what.

Don't be here, all right?

Enjoy all your other options

in life.

You know, I'm never

gonna get that bonus,

because you keep

gaining weight!

You should be embarrassed

of yourselves.

Go back to the cabin.

No, matter of fact,

run back to the cabin.

Run your fat asses on.

Run, now!

Go!

Everybody, inside, please.

Who the hell

do you think you are?

You know what it's like to not

have control over your weight.

Yeah, I know. 'Cause I haven't had a

sugar or nonalcoholic carb in years.

Good for you!

Good for you.

But these kids

aren't there yet.

And they don't come here to get berated

by some self-hating loathing a**hole

who's supposed to be

their support system.

I'm their trainer,

not their f***ing cuddle buddy.

I showed them my workouts, and I went through

the diets, and they still gained weight.

I suck at this. I can't

even win at fat camp.

- Fitness camp.

- What-the-f***-ever! Who cares?

- Hutch.

- What?

Do a sweep.

[clattering]

[bottles clinking]

Move!

This violates

their civil rights.

Back of the bus, Rosa.

I got a bonus to earn. Yo, I

want some confessions right now.

Speak!

I tea-bagged Marshall,

and I posted it on Instagram.

- What?

- Qu te pasa, dude?

- Shut up!

- Check your face, man.

- Speak!

- I...

I stole a pair of panties

off the girls' clothesline,

and I've kind of

been "using" them.

What the f*** is wrong

with y'all?

Yo, I appreciate-slash-am very

grossed out by your honesty.

But that's not what

I'm talking about, man.

How'd y'all gain weight?

Andy.

Oh, yeah, you look guilty.

Yeah, you hate authority, huh?

Smuggling food would be a great

"f*** you" to the Man, wouldn't it?

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