Fat Camp Page #5

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Y'all made me look

like a fool out there, man.

Hutch? Ease up?

Hell no,

I don't ever ease up.

You f***ing with my money, boy?

You know what they do to niggas on the

street when they f*** with my money?

Fine, I did it!

I brought a butt-load of snacks!

- [Kyle] Little b*tch.

- All kinds of sh*t, man.

Funyuns, Ding Dongs...

Yeah, but we ate it all.

So leave us alone, Hutch.

- That's not true!

- Show me.

Andy! Man the f*** up, bro!

Come on. You can't let Hutch win!

He's an a**hole!

Come on!

Andy, don't!

- Really?

- Yo, what the hell?

Why didn't y'all tell me?

Andy, we're here to get fit!

Jamar, you're in good shape.

You're not one of us!

You yell at us one more time

to "fight through the pain,"

- I'm gonna give you some f***ing pain to fight through!

- I'll beat your ass!

- Yo, stop that sh*t, man!

- Okay!

What are you doing

with all this sh*t?

This sh*t makes us

feel a lot better than you do.

Yeah.

You know what? F*** it. I'm not

even gonna confiscate this.

If y'all wanna grow up and be nobodies and

suck the rest of your lives, then fine.

Take some more of this sh*t.

Take some more.

I'm f***ing done.

F***!

Hutch!

[Marshall] Goddamn it, Andy.

You suck!

Yo, what the f***, man?

[car alarm wailing]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to leave, but some

rich a**hole is blocking me in!

[alarm chirps]

Figures.

What's with the trash bags?

You had a sh*t weigh-in,

Big Mike hurt your feelings.

So now you're taking your

little ball and going home.

Great, you're gonna

pile on too, huh?

Yeah, I suck

as a counselor, okay?

I don't give a sh*t,

all right?

I got a psych degree, man.

I can get any job I want.

Ooh, psych degree.

How's that working out, huh?

Suck my dick.

I'm kidding.

[sighs]

Look, I'm sorry.

I was a psych major too.

That's why I got the first

shitty job I could find.

- Yeah? I thought you loved it here.

- This isn't my job.

I sell franchise rights

to Kwik-E-Marts

and help people make a profit by

bringing crap food to the hood.

Oh, cool. So is this what you

do to ease your conscience?

- Oh, you do have a psych degree.

- Yeah.

No, I bundle up my vacation and sick

days to come and help these kids.

It's the only part of the year

that I can actually tolerate.

Yeah, well,

f*** these kids, okay?

All they do is self-indulge, and they're too

lazy and ignorant to better themselves.

Then why are you here?

Honestly.

Same as you. 'Cause I'm running

away from my dope-ass job.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

[chuckles]

You do know the meaning

of "honest," don't you?

I'm a fitness beast.

Big Mike wants me to come in...

You know what? I'm actually

gonna google "honest" for you.

Oh, my God,

you want honesty?

Yes, I want honesty.

I live with my mom.

And not even anymore,

because she kicked me out

because I haven't had a job

since I graduated college.

So now I live nowhere.

I live nowhere.

My life is in trash bags!

All I do is work out.

It's the only thing I'm good

at, and I can't even teach it.

Is that honest enough for you?

God, you are slightly harder to

dislike when you're being real.

Right, yeah, 'cause being unemployed

and living with your mama,

that's, oh, that's

a panty-soaker right there.

No, it'll actually get you

further than you think.

You wouldn't have failed if you

would have just tried harder.

I did try.

Barking orders and insults

isn't trying.

You need to figure out

what your campers need.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I usually am.

Good riddance.

Shut up. Hutch is the sh*t.

No, he's not, Kyle.

Hutch is every bully

we've ever met.

Who cares if he's gone?

He didn't give a sh*t about us.

- [Kyle] I don't know, maybe you're right.

- We are right, Kyle.

He has no idea

how hard this is.

All right,

listen up, chub nuts.

Oh, my f***ing Christ.

I am not bailing.

Everybody, grab a pen and paper.

- We're gonna do something different tonight.

- You got us beers?

Yeah, get a hair

on your balls first.

- Oh, I got a hair on my balls.

- Yeah? Well, get two.

All right, circle up.

Let's do this.

- Hutch, uh...

- Nah, I got this.

All right, man, I want

everybody to write down

the times

they overeat the most, okay?

Be honest with me,

but don't put your name on it.

Oh, and don't write any dumb sh*t

like "dinner," or "Thanksgiving."

This isn't

a sanctioned activity.

I'm a bad motherf***er,

Charlie.

My life is unsanctioned.

There you go. All right.

[clears throat]

"When I like a girl

that doesn't like me back."

Yeah, I feel that.

That's real.

"When I get picked last

for gym class."

That's a good one, yeah.

"When I'm not accepted

for being a..."

[clears throat]

"When I'm done beating off."

All right now, this never

goes away, all right?

Bust a nut, fill your gut. That's

how it works. It's science.

Can't argue with that.

Who heard something that applies

to them they didn't write?

Raise your hand.

You see?

We all have problems.

We have to figure out

what the problem is and fix it.

If you can't fix it...

like the jacking off thing...

you just learn to deal

with it and forgive yourself.

But you can't eat your way

out of your problems.

You just end up being a fatter

person with the same problem.

You guys hear me?

But, Hutch,

what problems do you have?

Sh*t, man, with a physique like

this, you ain't got problems.

# bodgoals.

Y'all figure it out.

All right, so, uh,

we gonna get this started, okay?

- Me and Charlie gonna get with y'all one-on-one.

- [together] No homo.

Ah, you f***ers got me.

All right.

Jamar, you first. Come on.

So, um,

one of the cards said, "When I'm

not accepted for being gay."

And I wanted the person

who wrote that to know

they can talk to me

about it at any time

and that it's okay

to be a 'mo.

I get it. All of us have secrets

that we don't want to tell people

'cause they might think

we're gross or whatever.

I'm not gross. I'm gay.

Oh.

Then why not just come out?

[sighs]

I am out, Hutch.

At home, at school,

everywhere.

But as soon as I came here, heard

you say that "no homo" stuff

and all that gay stuff,

I didn't feel safe.

Andy, listen, man.

Look, 99.9 percent of the stuff

that comes out of my mouth

is bullshit.

People's differences, man, that's

what makes them interesting.

And it makes for

great joke material too.

So you don't hate

gay people?

Hell no, man. I kick it with

a lesbian all the time.

She's like my best friend. I mean, she's

an antisocial, condescending b*tch,

but I don't give a damn

if she has beaver breath, man.

Look, people are equal.

Gay, straight, black, white...

Thin, fat?

Just be yourself, man,

and I got your back.

All right?

I'll be right behind you.

No homo.

All right, man.

Like that.

Yeah, we talked for hours, man.

It was dope.

Like, we really connected,

you know?

My boys are easy to connect with.

They're little pimps.

One of them was macking

this Vision chick, Rebecca.

We call her

"Regretta Rebecca."

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