Fat Camp Page #6

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Huh?

So he doesn't really

like her then?

Dude, she's fat.

Take it easy on the booze. It's really

f***ing your brain chemistry up.

Right, yeah.

I'm gonna go pee, man.

Beer, babe. Let's go.

[urinating]

Hutch, there you are.

Yo, back up, dude.

I got my damn

tool out, man.

We've been living together this summer.

I've seen your privates.

Pretty impressive, by the way.

Do you think you're making this less

awkward? What's wrong with you?

I'm making my move

on Candace.

How's this shirt?

How's my hair?

- How's this for an opening line?

- Dude, maintain. Damn!

You are insecure, brother.

You need confidence.

Come here.

Look in this mirror, man.

You know what I see

in this mirror, huh?

A smooth, charming,

sexy motherf***er

who's smarter than most people.

Just needs a little break

in life, you know?

Thanks, Hutch. I didn't

know you felt that way.

Nigga, I'm talking about me.

You are a chubby virgin who can't nut

up enough to talk to a fat chick.

- That is you.

- Are you trying to improve my confidence?

Look, what I'm saying is you need to look

like you, and feel like me, you know?

I'm gonna

help you out.

I'm gonna go over there

with you,

talk you up to Candace

so you're not nervous.

- You mean like a wingman?

- Yeah, if this was 2005.

What's wrong with you,

Charlie?

Like a friend, man.

Like a friend.

Hey, now remember, man,

okay?

Confidence. All right?

She's lucky you're hitting on her.

Let's go.

- Hey, Candace!

- Oooh.

Inside voices, please.

What's up, Hutch?

Nice shirt.

Looks like we got front row

seats to the gun show.

My man Charlie

picked it out for me, man.

He has dope style.

Yeah, um,

but you look nice too, Candace.

- Oh.

- But not like matronly nice.

Hot. But understated.

Like girlfriend material.

- Have you been drinking, Charlie?

- No, I can't.

But I would love

to buy you one. Barkeep!

Hello?

Barkeep?

I'm, uh... [clears

throat] I'm gonna go.

- Barkeep.

- Away.

Over there.

Barkeep,

beer for milady, please.

[chuckles]

Bar-Bar-Barkeep!

Abby again?

No, man.

My guy's spitting game

for the first time.

[Douglas] Good luck.

That kid's

coochie repellent.

Don't worry, it's okay. I'll just...

I'll just get it myself.

- Charlie... What... Jesus.

- Aaah.

[laughing]

Charlie, this isn't like

some self-service kind of bar.

What the f***?

Jesus... Charlie!

Sorry.

Uh, little clumsy.

But this, uh...

this drink will help.

[Charlie muttering]

He's doing it.

- Oh!

- [gasps]

- [Charlie] I'm so sorry!

- [laughing]

- Smooth.

- [Candace] Are you f***ing kidding me?

Is this a good time

to ask you out or a bad time?

Oh!

[gasps, sighs]

- [loud thud]

- [man groans]

Man down.

Hell of a show, Vision. I only

regret I got no bacon to throw.

Yo, chill the f*** out, dude.

My man just busted his dome.

- No, I'm okay.

- Don't tell me you actually like those losers.

They can't all be losers.

That's statistically impossible.

They're about to eat themselves to death.

What part of that is winning behavior?

You get sh*t-faced and vape and

talk sh*t about people all day.

What part of that

is winning behavior?

All of it.

And you're kinda being

a f***ing dick hole right now.

So whatever's up your ass,

you need to dislodge it.

Maybe you're up my ass.

- No homo.

- No homo. No.

You know, I'm gonna

stop saying that sh*t.

'Cause I sound like a snobby

judgmental b*tch like you.

And you're a dirt-poor chub

lover with a bloody nose.

- Bloody nose?

- [patrons gasp]

- Go back to your fat camp.

- Fitness camp, motherf***er.

[patrons groan]

- Oh, God!

- What the hell you doin', man?

I hate violence,

and the pain in my testicles

is really reminding me why.

[Douglas] You chose

the wrong team, b*tch.

I mean, look at your boy. He couldn't

even nut up to kick it to a fat chick.

Yeah, he doesn't

have experience,

but he's a better man

than you'll ever be,

- and he can get any girl he wants.

- Unlike you.

You had to keep rubbing one out

to Abby all summer long.

Beware of chaffing.

I'd say the same thing

about you, Douglas,

but even your own hand

must hate f***ing you.

Me, Charlie

and anybody in my cabin

can beat any of you little

b*tches in anything.

Oh, we'll see at the dance when my

boys are swimming in a sea of snatch.

As a matter of fact,

we'll outclass, outdance

- and bag more chicks at that dance than you.

- Wait...

[patrons] Oh.

- [girl] What?

- What the...

[snickers]

- Oh, it's a bet.

- Yeah, it is.

Oh. We'll reinforce

the floors for you.

Yeah, I don't know

what the f*** that means.

- [girl] Later, losers.

- [Abby] I'm sorry.

You guys are betting on whose campers

are gonna hook up with more girls?

Am I the only one that

has a problem with this?

[Charlie]

Man, you guys should've seen it!

Those Lone Piners were making fun of

us, but Hutch steps up and he's all,

"Well, my boys can do better

than your boys."

And then the other guy's like, "Well, my

guys can get more girls than your guys can."

And then Hutch is like, "No, my guys

can get more chicks than yours can."

And it's all going down

at the dance.

- It was probably the greatest night of my life.

- Hutch!

- Why would you do that?

- What? I stood up for you turds.

By saying we'd get the most

girls at a dance? Seriously?

Yes! Come on, guys.

We can do this.

Look, we all got sexy

in us, man.

You just gotta unleash it. I can turn

y'all into chick magnets in no time.

Matter of fact,

I got a three-tier program.

One, teach y'all my swagger.

Two, teach y'all

some dope-ass pickup lines.

You'll be able

to pick up anybody.

Three, spend three weeks teaching

y'all some sick dance moves.

Man, panties will be flying

all over the place.

Y'all be hitting that

motherf***er just like damn...

That is literally the worst idea

I've ever heard in my 14 years.

Wait, guys.

This idea could be dope.

See?

Marshall likes it,

and he hates me!

Mmm!

Guys, come on.

This is a good idea.

You know, to show that we big

guys can shake our asses too.

[all] No homo.

Yo, all right. We gonna cut the

"no homo" sh*t out, all right?

What? Why?

Because I'm a "yes homo."

- [murmuring]

- What the f***?

I'm gay. So what?

I like dudes.

- I'm a homosexual.

- I knew that as soon as you walked in.

That explains

the way you run, you know?

And since that's the case, you gonna

have to work extra hard, man.

Because you thought it was hard

getting chicks when you're fat?

Sh*t, you'll be invisible

to gay dudes.

- Step it up.

- You guys are cool with this?

We have been sleeping and showering

with this kid for weeks.

Kyle, don't be an a**hole.

Yeah, homosexuals have

contributed greatly to society.

Like, the first computer

or fashion week.

I ain't living

with a gay dude.

I mean, if you want, I can

help your hating ass pack up.

Look, Andy likes dudes.

So more p*ssy for you.

Think about it.

And if I hear you

giving him any more sh*t,

me and you are gonna have

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