Fat Camp Page #7

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a problem, you hear me?

Ooh.

All right. Now, who's down

with this dance plan, huh?

Your boy.

F*** my life. Man, I took a

punch for y'all little...

Come on, guys. Really?

Don't hit me, man.

[Big Mike]

Attention campers and staff.

Week 3 is officially over.

You're halfway there.

Don't quit now.

Like my ex-wife did.

You know, it's pretty ironic we're

doing a kitchen raid at a fat camp.

- Jackpot.

- Oh, sh*t?

So...

- One for you.

- Thank you.

The trick is...

to melt the chocolate

on the marshmallow.

All right.

Suck it, Rachael Ray.

They'll get on board

with your lady-getting

competition,

which I am turning my feminist

brain off for so I can process.

Mmm.

Oh, my God,

so freaking good. Here.

F*** no, thank you.

I'm not doing that sh*t.

That is too much sugar

and carbs in one...

It's like six sandwiches.

Just sh*t I don't eat.

- Come on.

- Airplane all you want.

Cookies, sugar, not

happening ever, for no one.

Dude, your body issues put my campers to

shame. Okay, where does it come from?

And don't make me google

"honest" again.

Oh, Google, okay...

Look, I'm about to tell you

something that only Big Mike knows.

You killed a man?

- You have diphallia?

- What the f*** is that?

Two penises.

[stammers]

But... I-I don't know.

I can't imagine why you'd

even say that to Big Mike.

- No, no.

- No? Okay.

[clears throat]

Uh, I used to be fat.

Like hippo-size.

I went to camp here, and they

used to call me Jabba the Hutch.

- [snickers]

- Why are you laughing at me?

- It is not that funny.

- Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.

It's kinda funny.

My dad took off, and, um,

I started eating my feelings,

and before I knew it,

I was 5'5," 240.

Well, for what it's worth,

I liked that guy.

Hmm?

He was funny,

charming...

and a decent rapper.

How you know I could rhyme?

Baby girl, You probably

get this All the time

Cats steppin' to you

Spittin' you a corny line

So I thought I'd put My

feelings for you In a rhyme

It's pretty easy for me

Cause you're so fine

[Abby] I just knew

that song was for me.

I practiced my surprised face

in the mirror,

how you'd hug me

when you finished.

I can make you happy, girl

If you let me

Make you feel things so good

I know...

[Abby] And then I saw you

rapping to Jill Hendricks.

[rapping continues]

Be my girl and life for us

Will be sweeter than Pepsi

And not diet either

So what do you think?

[scoffs]

- I was willing to be Jill's sloppy seconds.

- [grunts]

You still said no.

That's impossible, man.

The girl who liked me was, like,

Flabby Fupa or something...

That was my nickname.

Abby Krupa, Flabby Fupa.

Fat upper p*ssy area?

It was clever, but hurtful.

Ho-ly sh*t.

Why didn't you say anything?

I almost did.

But you were being

such a douche

that I couldn't give you

the satisfaction.

And then, you know, it was poetic

to watch you drool over me.

I know. I was a jerk.

I get it.

So, how'd you lose

the weight?

I promised myself if I ever saw my

dad again, I would kick his ass.

So, you know, I got swole

getting ready for the day

and liked the results so much and was

so proud of myself that I just...

- Became a colossal douche canoe.

- No, no.

[both chuckle]

I just didn't want to be

that kid again.

[clicks tongue]

Aha, you got sugar

and carbs in your mouth.

- Yeah? Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

[Hutch] Almost there, boys.

Couple more seconds.

- Yes, Charlie.

- All right, guys.

We got a new workout today.

It's a hip-hop workout.

Why does that sound really, really,

really, really close to dancing?

Guys, if we're gonna beat Lone

Pine, we have to stick together.

- That's the only way this can work.

- We're not doing that.

- You have to at least try.

- Why? I don't dance.

- He doesn't even like girls. Get your head checked.

- Mm-hmm.

We're never outscoring

Camp Supermodels.

Seriously,

you don't even understand.

- You've never been fat.

- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, I have.

- [laughing]

- B*tch.

- You're lying.

Nice try, but you can't

bullshit a bullshitter.

- No, it's true.

- Prove it.

Yo, okay.

I got an idea. Come on.

- What's he doing now?

- I don't know.

- [snickers]

- [laughs]

Oh, my golly!

[laughs] No sh*t, Hutch!

That's you?

- [laughing]

- [Jamar] Damn!

- You was fatter than any of us!

- Oh-ho-ho!

Them titties though!

- [laughing]

- Get off of me, man.

Yeah, okay,

I was a fat ass.

And now

I'm an a**hole.

Look, I hated myself so much

for being fat, man.

When I got in shape,

I still hated Fat Hutch so much I was a

dick to anybody that looked like him.

[Marshall]

Quit lying, Hutch.

I've seen you be a dick to

everybody, fat and skinny.

Marshall,

stop f***ing up my moment.

Sorry.

Look, the point is,

if I can do it, so can y'all.

And I know you can kill it

at this dance.

Just don't be a**holes,

all right?

There's a thin line between confidence and

arrogance, and I need to see y'all straddle it.

No homo.

Right.

Not doing that anymore.

My bad.

All right, men, when you walk into

this dance, you gotta have swagger.

It's all about your presence,

how you carry yourselves.

You gotta carry yourself

with confidence.

A little swagger, point at

somebody you know, all right?

Don't point at anybody you don't know.

That's very weird.

All right?

Let's go.

Kyle, let's see this.

Stop grabbing your dick.

What you grabbing your dick for?

Let your dick go.

What... You look like you're doing

little mini curtsies. Stop doing that.

Don't point at nobody

walking like that.

Pick it up!

All right, y'all, two-step.

Two-step. Hit that.

Stop using all your body! It's a

two-step with your feet! Goddamn it.

What's up, bro?

Hey, hey, bro,

can I get some...

Can I get a burger

with that sh-shake?

I like your eyes.

I like your mouth hole.

When you see a chick that you

like, nod at her, you know?

Just a little swagger. Get your post

up like this and just nod at her.

If you can't get your butt off the

ground, girls don't want to be around!

Looking good, y'all.

Let's go. Keep it up.

Back this way.

Looking good, y'all.

The whip and the nae nae, it's a

very important dance, all right?

Go, step into the whip. Whip.

Step into your whip. Whip.

Whip.

There you go. Whip.

Up. Jump.

Hope y'all better with girls

than you are with exercising.

Down. Push-up.

Jump.

Jump. Down.

...eighteen, 19...

Week four. Yeah!

- Killed it!

- Yeah, that's how you do it, baby!

...twenty-five, 26...

Another four! Yeah!

[laughing]

Point at somebody

you know.

Oh, yeah, they see

it, they see it.

[Kyle]

'Sup, boo?

What's your name?

Wait. Say it slow.

I've never really heard

the voice of an angel before.

[man]

Let's get away

Up in the clouds

It's such a better day

- Okay, all right.

- Well, get on out

We gonna celebrate

- Ooh!

- Oh-ho-ho!

Ready? Go!

Whip.

Watch me nae nae.

- Wrong hand, Marshall.

- Whip, whip.

- My bad, my bad.

- Nae nae.

Damn, girl.

Your name must be Stevia.

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