Fat Camp Page #8

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'Cause you're sweet like sugar

but without the guilt.

[jeering]

Hey, way to get em', dawg.

That was dope.

Yeah, that was sick.

Sizzle it up.

- Oh!

- Hey, so now y'all know what swagger looks like.

I'm proud

of y'all, man!

Look, take that sh*t to the

dance, you'll be fine, all right?

I wouldn't listen to a word he says.

[chuckles]

Ooh! Punanny!

Hey, you.

Going to the party later?

- Little booze, skinny-dipping...

- You really don't listen, do you?

I try not to,

but you keep talking.

Damn. You know I'm gonna show this

to the cops. You goin' to jail.

I'll be in a house with other battered

men, and we'll just talk about...

- You are an idiot.

- Verbal abuse too? Sh*t.

I am taking a 24

for my dad's birthday.

Hutch! Hutch!

- Yeah, what's up, Rebecca?

- You have a big problem.

Eric just told me

that Douglas

is gonna have his whole cabin pants you

guys in front of everyone at the dance.

Wait, what?

[distorted]

They're going to pants you.

[sighs]

Now we're extra f***ed.

[Hutch] Come on, guys.

You can't give up that easy.

We just gotta find a way

to get 'em back.

There's no getting them back

after they publicly pants us.

Yo. I know exactly

what we need to do.

- [shouting]

- That is so stupid, Hutch!

- Stupid!

- Something's wrong with you, Hutch!

- I'm triggered!

- If you don't stand up for yourselves now,

people are gonna sh*t on you

for the rest of your lives!

Hey, what if we wear really tight

jeans with really tight belts.

- That could work out.

- No, Marshall.

Dude, it doesn't matter. They'll always

be the cool guys and we'll be the marks.

Doesn't have to be that way. That's

what I'm trying to tell you guys.

- Yo, I'm definitely not going.

- Me neither.

Yeah, as if it didn't

suck enough!

- Yeah, even I think it's a bad idea.

- Charlie, come on.

- Guys!

- No!

Trust me, man!

You'll be legends!

If this is your idea

of a good plan,

then you should go

to idiot camp!

What?

I don't know. It sounded

much funnier in my head.

- Come on.

- [Hutch] Guys!

Come on. Don't bail, man. Damn.

- [music playing]

- [people laughing, chattering]

- [boy] I have no idea, man.

- [girl laughing]

[laughing]

Cheers!

Hey, guys.

[laughing]

Drink up, Charlie.

Life's just one big

disappointment after the other.

These kids

don't give a damn about us.

You know I can't drink.

I'm a CIT.

You're being a real C-U-N-T right now.

Come on, man.

F*** up

and learn from it.

You know? Spend one day

not walking on sunshine.

Thank you.

[spits] Agh!

- [coughs] Oh, God.

- [chuckling]

- Candace here, huh?

- Yeah, how'd you know?

[groans] You can make

your move, all right?

But you're gonna

need alcohol.

Because you, my friend, have

very, very, tiny baby balls.

And this will grow 'em

to big boy size.

Hey, Hutch, I have some of that

cinnamon whiskey you like.

Shot later?

Hey, Candace!

- Hey.

- Nice sweater.

But you know, adults lose ten percent

of their body heat through their head,

so if you're cold,

you should wear a hat?

Wow.

You must be so wet

right now.

- [laughs]

- I'm gonna let you two chat

and do butt stuff.

We all used to drink

when we were CIT's.

Just don't go overboard.

- [spits]

- Ooh.

Smooth. [chuckles]

Very smooth, very sexy.

[both chuckle]

[Hutch] It's beautiful out here!

Why is nobody in the water?

All right, this shrinkage is

unsuitable for public viewing.

I'm calling it a night.

You want my towel?

Uh, no.

Don't be stupid.

Take the towel.

All right. Oh.

The shrinkage isn't that bad,

btdubs.

[moaning]

Holy sh*t.

Fifteen minutes till breakfast?

Guys! Guys, get up!

Everybody, get up!

Guys.

Guys, get up.

Wake up, wake up. Guys,

guys, we gotta get up.

It's breakfast, guys.

We gotta get up.

Guys...

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, sh... Uh, we were probably just

trying to keep warm, man, you know?

Yeah?

Clothes usually help with that.

Fourteen minutes till breakfast.

I'd hurry up if you

want to make it... friend.

Charlie.

[grunts]

F***.

[sighs]

- Charlie!

- [horn beeps]

Hey!

Cutting it close to breakfast, huh?

Need a lift?

- [tires screech]

- Hey, you all right?

- [groans]

- I smell booze?

Aaah!

F***!

No!

No. Just walk away.

Sorry.

Fuuuuck!

F***!

[gags]

Gah, f***!

Come on, Charlie.

What are you doing?

Look, man, I was blackout

drunk last night.

I don't even know what

happened for real, man.

Say something, Charlie. Come on.

You could've had

anybody that you wanted,

and you still went and f***ed the only

girl that I've ever given a sh*t about?

[stammering]

Everybody told me

that you were such a douche,

and I said that there was a good

guy in there, but I was wrong!

You're a hollow skin suit.

You're a broken human.

You've got no heart,

no backbone, no balls.

Okay, I get it, man.

I-I get it, y-you hate me, man.

But come on. Don't leave camp.

- You love this place.

- Oh, like I have a choice?

You think

I want to leave here?

I just got fired,

Hutch.

For being drunk.

But at least I wasn't being

a C-U-N-T, right?

Charlie, come on, man.

Uncle Mike, man,

you can't fire Charlie.

He vomited on me,

and I smelled like

a frat house sofa.

And I swear

it got on everything.

The entire camp looks like

a giant puke germ.

I get that...

[sighs]

[sighs]

I spiked his drink.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, I... He...

He needed confidence

to hit on Candace,

so I gave him some.

Uncle Mike, man,

you said it yourself

that if I let myself love this

place, I could, and I did, man.

I-I-I love it here. I love the

campers, Charlie, everybody.

And it's all due

to your influence.

Oh, really?

Let me get this straight.

Because of my influence,

you poisoned your best friend,

f***ed his crush,

and then got him fired?

Well, when you put it

like that, man...

Hutch, I'm trying to build

this camp back to prominence.

I gave you a job

as a favor,

and you get one of

my best guys fired?

I can't believe you, man. You know what?

Get out of my camp.

What? Uncle Mike, come on, man.

These kids need me.

No, they don't need you.

You know what?

The best thing

I could do for these kids...

is to keep them away

from someone like you.

Uncle Mike, come on, man.

The worst part about it is

now I gotta tell your mother

that you actually are

the bum she thought you were.

You couldn't make it work

for one summer, huh?

Get out of my camp.

What the hell?

Hutch!

- Hey, Hutch!

- Hutch!

[Jamar]

Come back!

[Andy]

Are you leaving?

- [Jamar] Hutch!

- [Andy] What are you doing?

- [Jamar] Dude, where are you going?

- [Kyle] Don't go!

[shouting]

Cut him off, dude.

Bro, come on!

[Kyle] Come on!

[Jamar]

Hutch! Man, what are you doing?

- Hutch! Hutch!

- Where are you going, Hutch?

Come on! Come on!

- Hutch!

- Hutch!

[no audible dialogue]

- [knocking]

- Hey, Ma! Ma, it's me! Open up!

Ma!

Yo, who the f*** are you?

Uh, Fred.

Yo, Ma,

who the f*** is Fred?

- Fred's my f*** buddy right now. [laughs]

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