Fat Camp Page #9

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- Oh, my God.

But he's kinda growing on me, so I'm

thinking about upgrading him to my A-piece.

Mmm, I'm about to be

somebody A-piece?

I'm about to throw up in the toilet,

then sleep in my own bedroom.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

- What the heck is this brother wearing?

- None of your business.

- Uh...

- Son, your room doesn't exist anymore.

It's now my red room,

like Fifty Shades of Grey?

And I don't think you'd get a good

night's sleep on my pleasure swing.

Okay, I'ma throw up right here on this

cement, and I'll just sleep in the den.

No, you can't

do that either.

Son, I can't keep

enabling you.

The fact that your life sucks

is either nature or nurture,

but whatever it is,

it's my fault.

Ma.

Come on. I'm your son.

If I don't push your ass off

that cliff, you'll never fly.

Bye.

Um... [clears throat]

It was nice meeting you.

Nigga,

you ain't met me, man!

Stop jumping

your little-ass man-titties.

What the hell

am I supposed to do Ma, huh?

Blow some strangers in the

bus station for meth money?

At least you'd be

generating some income!

Oh, that's gross, Ma. It was a joke, man.

Goddamn it.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, Hutch.

We've got some rules here.

Don't touch my booze.

Absolutely no pot.

I don't cook for you,

I don't clean for you,

and you know that phrase

"make yourself at home"?

Don't.

Ooh, burn.

[laughs]

- Okay? Love you.

- You got it, babe. Love you.

- Love you.

- Love you.

- Love you too, Maggie.

- Aw. F*** off.

- Okay.

- [laughs]

Yo, don't ever

tell her this, man,

but I kind of like her, dude.

- She a tough broad.

- Sometimes too tough.

So what's next, man?

I'll probably jack off,

call it a night.

- [laughs]

- Dude, she's talking about life.

This is

a crucial moment, Hutch.

I mean, you can decide

to be a decent human...

Or a bum-ass nigga.

Come on, man.

Dave's right.

You're talented,

you're smart, you're funny.

I hate to say it,

but you are attractive.

You got all the tools, bro.

You gotta use 'em.

Look, I know I don't

say this enough, but, uh,

I really love y'all, man,

for having my back.

Enough? You've never said that,

in your entire life, to anyone.

And I can't believe you didn't

say "no homo" afterwards.

- Right.

- Babe.

Ah, you better go

fetch that, bruh.

[chuckles]

"Babe."

- I'll handle this. Whoa.

- Oh, come on, man.

Yo, Winnie, uh...

[clears throat] You ever thought I was being

a dick to you because you're a lesbian?

What? No. I thought you were being a

dick to me because you are a dick.

- Hmm. True.

- And because I'm a woman

who makes more money than you,

I have a better job than yours,

I get more chicks than you,

and I don't live with my mom.

I got it! Damn!

How long is that list?

I mean, long.

Sh*t, you asked.

You right. Touch.

Damn.

Uh... [sighs]

Yo, I'm gonna try to be

less of a dick, all right?

Think that'd be

a great f***ing start, bruh.

I'ma really try this time.

In the meantime,

get yourself some rest, man.

Try to keep this place clean, all right?

I'm here for you, buddy.

'Ppreciate ya.

Hi. I'm Charlie Soto.

- I was told I could find Hutch here.

- Why are you so happy, bro?

- Mm-mmm.

- He's in there.

Charlie. Man, I'm so...

[grunts]

You told Big Mike

that you spiked my drink?

- Yeah.

- That took a backbone.

And a heart and balls.

And Candace told me

what really happened...

that basically you passed out and you

couldn't even get it up to have sex.

She said...

Oh, I can get it up.

- Goddamn it, I'm up right now.

- That means you didn't have sex with her.

- You should be happy that you didn't betray me.

- No, I get it.

I didn't betray you, but my

schlong, it works. Overtime.

Employee of the f***ing

month, just on a frame.

Point is, f*** Candace.

She would've had sex

with my best friend.

And you helped me learn

that I deserve better than that.

Yeah, you do, man.

But you also

helped me learn that

we have to do

this Lone Pine plan.

We have to end

these kids' summer with a bang.

Mmm...

- What?

- Nothin'.

These kids still aren't down

with this pantsing thing.

I need you to come back

and convince them.

If they don't do this, they're gonna

regret it for their whole entire life.

What do you say?

- Hell yeah, man. Come on. Let's do it. Yeah.

- Yes!

It's gonna feel so good not to

lay down and take it for once.

- Okay, go ahead and say it.

- No homo, man. Damn!

- I'm sorry.

- You were killing me with that sh*t.

- It was really bad. I'm sorry.

- I gotta grab my bags.

- Okay, grab 'em, grab 'em.

- All my trash bags.

Okay, my mom's got

the car running, so hurry up.

[chattering]

- What's up, Big Mike?

- Little Timmy. That's my man.

[laughing]

- Good. Great.

- Yeah.

Why you dressed

like the Unabomber again?

'Cause I'm trying not to be

spotted by Big Mike, man.

I'm incog-negro. Chill.

[exhales,

chuckles nervously]

- Yo, hang on.

- Hmm.

[chuckling]

Hutch,

what the hell?

This little butt boil

is dicking you around.

Hey, leave her alone, or I'm

gonna kick your smug little ass,

and I don't work for the camp anymore,

so it's street rules in this b*tch.

Hutch, are you crazy?

- He's dating Rebecca as a goof.

- No, I'm not.

I only said that so they'd leave me alone.

I like Rebecca.

Everybody makes fun of me for

it, but I'm done giving a sh*t.

I can choose my own girlfriend.

F*** what anybody thinks.

- Girlfriend?

- Um, yeah.

What do you say, Becks?

Abby. Abby, come on.

Please, talk to me.

Sure. Because the Candace thing and the

Jill Hendricks thing wasn't enough.

If you could f*** me over a third

time, it'll be just great.

- Abby, come on. Wait a second.

- Hey.

What's this?

- [sighs]

- What are you doing at the dance?

I had to see my boys dance, all right?

Just be cool.

Oh, I'll be real cool while I'm

telling the cops you're trespassing.

Uncle Mike,

we're family, man.

[phone shatters]

You can take the money for the

new phone out my paycheck.

- [laughing]

- He said "paycheck."

- [Hutch] Come on.

- Damn, that was some gangsta sh*t.

Respect, home.

So I was like, "Why would I

give money to some bum?"

He's just gonna spend it

on alcohol anyway.

- [chuckling]

- Yeah.

Man, this must be

the world's cleanest vaginas.

- I see a whole pack of used douches.

- [laughing]

I didn't think you were gonna make

it, since you got sacked and all.

- [boy] Ooh.

- Only thing getting regularly sacked

is your mama's chin

and taint, boy!

Ooh!

Wanna throw down again, Daley?

Anytime, b*tch.

But right now my boys

got some business to attend to.

Well, may the dopest bros win.

Oh, they will.

[Marshall] We will.

[speakers:
hip-hop plays]

[man] By the end of the

night You'll be home, girl

Talking all that

When I slide up in it

Talking kids, huh

Worry about some rules

That don't matter

Don't flatter me, baby

You know I know that

- Hey!

- [laughing]

[laughs]

[no audible dialogue]

[gasping, giggling]

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