Fatal Instinct Page #17

LANA:

I...

Ned jumps in, motioning with his hands for this to stop.

NED:

Whoa whoa whoa whoa! That's it! I

will not tolerate this unwarranted

badgering of my client. She'll have

her day in court, gentlemen.

He slams his briefcase shut and turns to Lana, sincere.

NED:

I want to thank you, Mrs. Ravine,

for being so cooperative with these

gentlemen.

(turns to Laura)

Did you get all that down, Laura.

Every word she said?

LAURA:

Yep. Both of 'em.

EXT. NED'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

The CAMERA MOVES IN to a wire mesh cage at the very back of

the yard. A small sign on it says: NED JUNIOR. The door is

open. The cage is... empty!

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY

Lola rides the roller coaster with Lana's pet Skunk. She

LAUGHS maniacally as they plunge down a steep grade!

The Skunk stands stiffly on her lap, his paws planted on the

guard rail, eyes bulging out!... his fur standing straight

up!

INT. NED'S HOUSE - DAY

Ned hesitates at the front door. It's open a crack. He moves

inside cautiously. There is a strange BUBBLING SOUND coming

from the kitchen. He moves toward it... apprehensive.

He enters the kitchen and SEES... a huge bubbling pot on the

stove, foam spilling over from under the lid! His mind reels!

He charges out the back door.

EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - DAY

Ned bursts out the back door... CAMERA TRACKING with his

feet as he dashes across the huge back yard... MUSIC POUNDING!

He SEES the EMPTY animal cage! The door is open. A fuzzy

blanket hangs halfway out.

Shocked, Ned spins around... running back toward the house...

CAMERA TRACKING HIS FEET, struggling to keep up. The CAMERA

SLAMS into a tree!... CRACKING the LENS!

INT. NED'S HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - DAY

Ned bursts in... SEES the bubbling pot!... a huge butcher

knife on the counter!... and LOLA, arms outstretched to greet

him.

NED:

NO!

LOLA:

Yes.

NED:

NOOOOO!

LOLA:

Yes!

NED:

NOOOOOOOooooooo!!!

She whips the cover off the bubbling pot.

LOLA:

YES! Cappelini pomodoro!

NED:

What?

She lifts up pasta with a spaghetti spoon... tossing a sprig

of basil into the pot from the basil-leaf crown she wears.

LOLA:

Pasta with tomato sauce. Whatsa matta?

You don't like Italian?

NED:

Where's Ned Junior? WHERE IS HE?!

LOLA:

I thought he might like to get out,

so I took him to the amusement park.

He grabs Lola's arm and drags her toward the front door.

NED:

You can't just break into my house,

cook my food... borrow my skunk!

(opens the door)

Leave me alone. Stay out of my face!

Out of my neighborhood! Out of my

LIFE!

She steps outside... turns to him.

LOLA:

You haven't seen the last of me,

Ned.

He SLAMS the door in her face... hesitates a beat, curious...

then pulls the door open. Lola's still there.

LOLA:

I told you.

Ned SLAMS the door again.

EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - DAY

It's a media circus! Vendors sell "TRIAL BALLOON" balloons.

PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS cluster around a squad of CHEERLEADERS

wearing sweaters emblazoned with "FREE LANA OR BUST!" across

their chests.

They perform a rousing CHEER in front of a sign on the

building that reads... "LE COURTHOUSE".

CHEERLEADERS:

(with choreography)

Lana, Lana, she's the one Shot a bad

guy with a gun Blew that sucker off

a train Some guys are a friggin'

pain YaaaaaAAAAAAAAY LANA!

A BBC COMMENTATOR speaks to a TV camera.

COMMENTATOR:

Once again, Americans are making a

mockery of their courts, turning a

murder trial into a media circus!

How can justice ever prevail when it

is ridiculed and reviled in such a

heinously revolting manner? This is

Clement Von Franckenstein returning

you to our BBC studios in London for

the latest photographs of Lady Di

naked in the bath.

Ned and Laura push their way through the crush of REPORTERS.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

Spectators pour through several turnstiles, shoving in their

tokens. TV cameras have been set up to broadcast the trial.

A UNIFORMED THEATER USHER escorts JURY MEMBERS in, checks

their tickets, hands them programs and directs them to their

seats.

Ned and Laura sit at the defense table, next to Lana... who

is oblivious to everything, deeply engrossed in a pocket

video game. Ned looks toward the gallery and does a disturbed

take.

It's Lola!... sitting in the back row wearing a tailored

suit, large brimmed hat with dark veil... and a SKUNK SKIN

STOLE draped around her shoulders!

Dizzy sits next to her, playing softly on a MUTED SAX.

ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

A SPORTSCASTER delivers play-by-play of the action.

SPORTSCASTER:

What a great day for a trial! We

have lots of incandescent lighting,

seventy-two degrees inside... and no

wind!

ANGLE - COURTROOM

BAILIFF:

Oy vay! Oy vay! Superior Court of

Los Angeles is now in session. And

here he is... direct from a triumphant

one-week engagement in Las Vegas

Circuit Court... the honorable...

the venerable... the totally

irrepressible... Judge Harlan Skan-

kyyyyyyy!

Flashing "APPLAUSE" signs and flashing "ALL RISE" audience

prompters. Everyone gives the Judge a standing ovation.

ANGLE - BROADCAST BOOTH

SPORTSCASTER:

Wow... has this defense team been

HOT! Thirty-seven straight victories

this year! Let's go down for the

coin toss.

ANGLE - COURTROOM

The Bailiff flips a coin, motions to the PROSECUTOR.

SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)

The Prosecution wins the flip of the

coin and elects to kick things off.

INT. COURTROOM - LATER

The PROSECUTOR delivers her impassioned opening statement.

PROSECUTOR:

...the prosecution will prove that

this repulsive and degenerate woman

coldly murdered a decent, law-abiding

citizen...

NED:

(jumps up)

Objection! Move to strike. Hearsay,

irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca-

doody poo-poo...

JUDGE SKANKY:

Sustained.

INT. COURTROOM - LATER

Laura is on the stand. Ned hands her a sheet of paper.

NED:

And can you tell us what this is?

LAURA:

Yes. It's a death threat that Max

Shady FAXED to you on the day he was

released from prison.

Ned snatches it back, pacing, folding it into a paper

airplane.

NED:

A FAX in which he threatened to puree

certain parts of my anatomy in a

blender! I'd like to submit this

into evidence.

PROSECUTOR:

(jumps up)

Objection! Who cares about the FAX

in this case?

JUDGE SKANKY:

I'll allow it.

Ned sails the paper plane toward the COURT CLERK, who is at

an evidence table already piled high with tagged guns,

appliances, knickknacks, auto parts and other junk.

The plane sails toward an open window. The Clerk grabs it...

going OUT the window with the plane!

EXT. COURTHOUSE LAWN - DAY

The Cheerleaders lead the SPECTATORS in an exuberant CHEER.

CHEERLEADERS:

U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi!

You're ugly! Yeah, you're ugly! M-A-

M-A! How you think you got that way?

Your Mama! Yeah, your Mama!

In the b.g., the Court Clerk plummets to the ground, then

staggers to his feet, and stumbles... dazed... back toward

the courthouse.

INT. COURTROOM - LATER

One of the JURORS watches a "DICK VAN DYKE" re-run on a small

portable TV monitors, oblivious to the testimony. In the

b.g., the battered Clerk stumbles back in with the paper

plane. The Conductor is on the stand. Ned holds up a BLENDER.

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