Father Figures

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1

(EXHALES)

Well, good news.

I found your car keys.

(CHUCKLES)

That's where I left them.

You know, you have the

prostate of an 18-year-old.

Nice! I'd rather have

his dick,

but you get what you get.

Next time,

buy me dinner first.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's a good one.

I like that joke.

I hadn't heard that before.

ETHAN:
Come on.

Why do I have to go?

KATHERINE:
Because

it's his weekend

and you're not missing

your grandmother's wedding.

ETHAN:
It's no fun there.

Last time he made me watch

an entire Super Bowl

from 1979.

Who watches a 30-year-old

football game?

He's always angry

or pissed off...

KATHERINE:
Don't say that

about your father.

ETHAN:
It's not my fault

he's an a**hole.

KATHERINE:
We're not

having this discussion.

Go get your bag.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

TERRY BRADSHAW:
(ON TV)

Pick Enterprise.

We'll pick you up.

MALE NARRATOR:

In New York City,

the dedicated detectives

who investigate

these vicious felonies

are members of

an elite squad known as

the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

- (DRAMATIC BANG ON TV)

- (MOUTHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

PETER:
Hello.

HELEN:
Ah, there you are.

Hello.

- Hey, Peter.

- Sweetheart.

Mom, you look radiant.

- Thank you.

- Hi, Sheila.

These are for Mom's bunions.

If you want her

on her feet in two hours,

you'll make sure

she wears those.

HELEN:
Thank you, darling.

That was sweet.

You know, Peter,

if ever you start questioning

your sexuality,

I'd love to introduce you

to my son, Jason.

- He's got a tight little butt.

- HELEN:
Ooh.

I'll be downstairs

if you need me.

- Thank you, Sheila.

- HELEN:
Wow.

- Good to know.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

Good for Jason.

(CHUCKLING) Where's Ethan?

Uh, he's here somewhere.

Happy as a clam.

Oh, don't be discouraged.

You're a great dad.

Just love him

and be there for him.

And maybe loosen up a little.

I'm loose.

I mean...

I'm loose, whatevs.

Have you seen

your brother yet?

Hmm? Oh, you invited him?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Life is so crazy, man.

One minute, you're napping

in Maui, unemployed,

uneducated,

30 bucks to your name,

the next minute, some guy's

walking up to you,

asking if he can

put your picture

on a barbeque sauce bottle.

And the next minute

they're giving you three cents

for every bottle they sell.

And the next minute

they're selling 30 million

of these bad boys.

BOTH:
And then

the next minute...

You're wearing

a white leather jacket

and white high-tops

to your mom's wedding.

Pete! (CHUCKLING)

(PETER GRUNTING)

It is so good to see you.

I haven't seen this guy

in two years.

Four. Actually.

- Has it been that long?

- Mmm-hmm.

Shut the front door.

Are you messing with me?

He loves messing with me.

- Are you messing with me?

- I'm not.

God, you got to

come over to Hawaii.

When are you gonna visit?

- Yeah...

- Hey, Kaylani! Come here!

I want you to meet someone

really special to me.

Someone I've been

sleeping with exclusively

for the past six months.

Wow, six whole months?

That's what I'm saying.

It's really special.

Aloha, Peter.

Hi.

Oh, okay.

(KAYLANI INHALES DEEPLY)

(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)

I can feel

your brother inside you.

I am inside you.

You are?

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

We're twins.

That's called a Honi.

That is a sacred

Hawaiian greeting

that you just got.

Yeah.

Is that right?

So,

how psyched are you for Mom

finding true love again?

It's awesome.

God, I just wish Dad could've

been here to see this.

- (SIGHS)

- ETHAN:
Yo, Uncle Kyle!

Yeah?

You got to see this.

What's your boy's name?

It's Ethan.

You gotta meet Ethan.

He is the best kid. Come on!

OFFICIANT:

Do you take this man

to be your lawfully

wedded husband?

Do you take this woman to be

your lawfully wedded wife?

I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

MAN:
Beautiful!

OFFICIANT:

You may kiss the bride.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

(GLASSES CLINKING)

KYLE:
Clink, clink, clink!

It's so nice to be here today.

There's a saying

in Hawaii that goes

a little something

like this...

(SPEAKING HAWAIIAN)

That translates

very simply as,

"Life is alive once more

inside of me

"from my love of you."

And, Gene,

my mother's life

is so alive right now

with you inside her.

- So, I want to raise a toast.

- Hey now.

- (GUESTS LAUGHING)

- To mean Gene

and the greatest mom on Earth.

Cheers!

Hey, l'chaim, everybody!

HELEN:
Thank you, darling.

KYLE:
Cheers!

- That went good.

- (INAUDIBLE)

What?

What?

Yes.

- No way!

- I'm serious.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

One more thing to say.

Wait, everybody hold on.

Forget about that 70-inch TV

we gave you

because we've got

another wedding gift.

You're finally gonna

be a grandmother!

- (GASPS) Oh!

- Yeah.

Yes!

I mean, a grandmother again!

I'm sorry, Pete.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

KYLE:
My life is so perfect!

MALE NARRATOR:
(ON TV)

...an elite squad

known as

the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

(DRAMATIC BANG)

I told you, Detective,

I can press charges.

Out of respect for...

Shh. Let's cut to

the chase, Nigel.

May I call you Nigel?

You see, Nigel,

I know that men have needs.

But when a wife

can't fill those needs,

men have to look elsewhere.

Yes.

What the f***?

I need to talk

to both of you guys.

- What?

- Okay.

Mom, I need to talk to you.

- Oh, okay.

- Thanks.

- Boom!

- KYLE:
What a beauty.

Boy, she is

such a good actress.

Hot.

No, no, not her.

Boom.

- BENSON:
Now!

- Mmm-hmm?

Foot fetish. (CHUCKLES)

I like this guy.

PETER:
No, no, not that.

Don't you see the resemblance?

KYLE:
The resemblance to who?

Our father!

He's alive!

KYLE:
To our father?

Are you on acid

right now, Pete?

No, Kyle,

look at his birthmark.

KYLE:
Yeah, I'm looking.

Mom, can you tell him

this isn't our father.

He isn't your father.

Mom, I've been

looking at his picture

every day since I was

four years old.

That birth mark

is unmistakable!

GENE:
Honey,

is everything okay?

Well, Pete is, uh,

lost touch with reality.

The man in the photos

I gave you

wasn't actually your father.

Okay, what?

What?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, he was a friend of mine

from college.

He was an English

exchange student.

He went back after graduation.

I just thought

you'd never see him.

He's not my dad?

He was studying

to be a Botanist,

for crying out loud.

He's an orphan,

and then he got colon cancer.

HELEN:
No.

(SIGHS)

I made up all those stories

about your father.

That he was an orphan,

that he came from England.

That he died of colon cancer.

Wow.

HELEN:
The truth is,

and I probably should've

told you a long time ago...

I think you should have.

I wasn't sure

who your father was.

How does that work?

Yeah, how does that work?

Well,

you've got to understand...

It was the '70s.

It was the crazy '70s.

It was disco era.

I was a young girl

living in New York.

And if you went partying

in places

like Studio 54...

And, you know, everybody

was high and f***ing

and monogamy wasn't

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