Father of the Year

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1

[dog barking]

Dude, we should've just gone

straight to New York.

Come on, man. He's your dad, all right?

You can handle this.

[Larry] Oh.

There's the man himself.

Does he live down there?

I mean, it's technically his basement. So,

like, he spends a little time down there.

[Larry] He's taking out your little

baby mattress. That's sweet.

No way does he think I'm gonna sleep on

that thing. It looks like it has eczema.

[Larry] There's two sides.

You could just flip it over.

[Ben chuckles]

Great, dude. Now he's texting me. [scoffs]

It's gonna be okay,

I'm gonna go in there with you,

all right? Come on.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Ben. I was just texting you.

-Look at this kid. My college graduate.

-Aw, yeah.

Get in here! I'm so proud of you, man.

[laughs]

-Hey, uh, did you get those Q-tips?

-No, we were already here.

Ah.

-Sort of a 911 situation with my ears.

-Well...

Hey, what about the, uh, six-pack?

Any news?

We were already here, Dad. So...

-Ah, you f***ed me. I'm kiddin' ya.

-Yeah.

-Who is this a**hole?

-Hey!

Lawrence, I know you.

Got any Q-tips on you?

Nope, I don't.

Nothing in the car?

I don't carry Q-tips.

We'll figure it out.

Here we are. So, valetutorian?

[stutters] Wait, what is that again?

Valedictorian. It means that Ben

was the smartest kid in our whole school.

Of Western New Hampshire College.

It's like being a turd in a urinal.

Don't always downplay it, okay?

You're smarter

than those Ivy League pricks,

and you came from nothing,

just complete sh*t.

Hey, now why didn't I get

invited to the graduation?

Oh, no parents were invited, Dad.

Did your mother go?

No.

She f***in' went!

-What the f***, Ben?

-No...

I didn't invite her, all right? She just

had a layover from her flight to Antigua

with the Cirque du Soleil guy,

and they just showed up.

Mr. O'Malley, I love that you still have

the patio furniture on the inside.

Yeah, Larry, that's a good eye.

It's indoor-outdoor.

I appreciate the flexibility

it affords me.

Speaking of that, uh,

how's the work search going?

Oh, that. That's actually not going well.

It's 'cause of my disability.

Being colorblind is not a disability.

I told a black joke to a black guy.

It's a disability.

It could certainly lead to a disability.

You know, Lawrence, I was thinking,

if everyone was colorblind,

maybe we'd all get along better.

Wow, that was actually...

That makes a lot of sense.

It does? I don't even know what I said.

I think that was an accident.

What did you say?

I... You... It was what you said.

-I got a surprise for you. Follow me.

-Okay.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Oh, this is nice! [laughs]

Get in here, you pussies.

I didn't bring a bathing suit, so...

Problem solved.

What are you doing?

-Dad, leave 'em on.

-Oh, no.

This is a good one.

Ugh!

It's got the netting inside.

Hugs your nuts. It's nice.

Cool.

What about you?

Yeah, I don't want your beanbag

floating into me, so I'm good.

Dude, your whole body came flying

out of my dick at one point.

Now you're scared of it?

That's hysterical.

It ain't gonna suck you back in. Relax.

Larry, make yourself useful.

Get my little Jacuzzi jets over there.

Let's get the party going.

So, what's the valeclitorian

doing tonight? You're going drinking?

We're going to the Roadhouse.

F*** the Roadhouse! Go to the Wombat!

Dad, the Wombat's been closed

for ten years.

You think I give a f***?

You don't know me very well.

Well, this seems really dangerous.

So have fun celebrating, boys.

You worked your asses off. You deserve it.

We'll just meet back here tonight.

Actually, I think we're gonna stay

at PJ's tonight.

Who the f*** is PJ?

The Christian Science kid, Dad.

You used to whip batteries at him,

and tell him Christ did it.

That kid? You'd rather hang out

with a scientist than me?

Yeah, it's just easier, Dad,

we're only staying for a couple weeks.

You're only here a couple weeks?

Yeah, Larry and I are off to New York.

I got that job at ISG.

I told you about this.

You'd be proud. He got picked out of,

like, 2,000 applicants.

Well, that's great. That is great.

New York's so f***ing far.

You got a job there?

Uh, no... Not at the moment, no.

The f*** you going for?

I don't know. I've just never been before.

It'd be something new.

Goddamn. Give him some room, dude.

Let him breathe. You're smothering him.

-Oh, sh*t. Is that the lady?

-Yeah, it's the lady.

-She owns the truck. Hide!

-What?

It's her truck.

Stop.

What's happ--

Oh!

[grunts]

[groans] Oh, my God!

-Whoa, what's up, guys?

-Hey, welcome home.

Nathan, buddy.

What's with the new look?

He's trying to join a biker gang.

Oh, sh*t. You can ride a motorcycle?

I'm learning.

Aren't biker gangs super racist though?

Well, so far these guys are really nice.

No signs of that.

What's up with you, PJ?

I accidentally looked down my mom's shirt

the other day.

-It happens.

-It's no big deal.

I'm pretty sure it was by accident,

but I'm not 100% sure.

So, I'm gonna get

psychologically analyzed.

Okay.

I gotta find out.

-You trying to grow a mustache?

-No, I've grown a mustache.

I'm surprised you guys

can even recognize me.

-Who wants shots?

-Yes!

-Me, too.

-Yeah.

[Ben] Six bucks a shot?

That's f***in' bullshit.

You know what else is bullshit?

How expensive condoms are.

Yeah, I can't afford to have

consistent sex right now.

Oh, yeah, money's the reason.

[PJ] It is, dude. 100%.

[Larry] That looks pretty good.

You know what you can do?

You can get latex gloves,

'cause they are pretty much the same price

and then you can use 'em five times.

Wait, are you even allowed

to use condoms in Christian Science?

F***, yeah, we can. Just not for sex.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

[Ben] "Come on. Let's go."

Hey, what... Oh, my... What...

Ben O'Malley?

Meredith Parker!

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, holy sh*t!

Well... You were my first kiss.

Yeah, yeah, in sixth grade.

You would Myspace me at night

-and then run and hide from me at school.

-Yeah.

We were boyfriend and girlfriend

for two months,

and then we kissed

and you just never talked to me again.

Real nice, Ben.

Come on. I was so embarrassed.

Remember you were much taller?

Wait, do you remember how that old lady

thought you were my baby brother?

Yes. Oh, my...

I should have kissed you then.

That would have really freaked her out.

Anyway, you look great.

Yeah, I grew up a little bit, just stopped

cutting my hair like Dora the Explorer...

-Started wearing makeup.

-So did he.

He got you, dude.

Yeah. Good one, guys. I have a bad zit.

You know, I was thinking it looks

a little cakey. Is that Este Lauder?

CoverGirl, actually.

Okay. What shade did you use?

Light nude, I think it was.

Looks good on you. Yeah.

-Hey, do you wanna split a drink?

-Um...

I should probably get going.

I have my first day of work

tomorrow at Postmates.

It's like the Uber of delivery.

Wow. Well, I don't know if you know this,

but we never actually, like,

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