Father of the Year Page #2

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officially did the breakup.

Which means that

we're still technically dating.

-No!

-Yes, I know.

I've cheated on you a lot.

-Oh, no.

-Sorry.

Oh, man, I've been nothing but loyal.

This is just not working.

I think we're done.

Oh, well, it's good to have some closure.

Well, I'll see you in, like,

another eight years?

Okay, yeah,

or you can give me your number.

Forty-three.

I'm still gonna call it.

Sweet meeting you.

Yeah. That was a lot of fun.

She just grabbed you

and started kissing you?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

Last time a random girl just grabbed me,

she was falling down the stairs.

Oh!

Dude, if that guy came over here

and tried to fight you,

-what would you do?

-That guy's a Marine, dude.

I wouldn't do anything. I would

take my beating like a true American.

What would you do?

-I'd probably blow him first...

-Mmm, yeah.

...and then take my beating.

Hey, who would you fight?

-I don't know. I wouldn't fight anybody.

-Yeah.

Actually, I take that back.

-I'd fight PJ.

-Yeah.

And your dad. I'd totally fight your dad.

No way, dude. Wayne would kick your ass.

He still gets into fights to this day.

We just watched your dad

fall out of the back of a truck naked.

It looked like a premature baby bird

shooting out of the birth canal.

Let me put it this way.

My dad looks like a human Muppet

and I'm 100% sure

he could kick your dad's ass.

Come on.

Your dad gets startled by pop-up books.

Well, your dad

looks like a big fifth grader.

When he goes to the mall,

how many people ask if he's lost?

Your dad listens to Susan Boyle.

She's actually very talented.

All right!

Here we are hanging with the boys!

Huh? Oh, God! The boys

are back in town, huh?

Up high! Here it is.

Kind of feels like high school again,

huh, guys, right?

Mardy, please turn on the humidifier.

You bet I can.

All right, Aiden, coming around to it.

We're gonna be breathing easy. Right?

Let's fire this baby up.

Yo, you better be nice

to your stepbrother,

because your dad

is leaving him everything.

Not if I drown him in his eggs.

Okay. Sorry, just gonna

swap out the water here, guys.

I think we got a bit of an issue...

Aiden?

Did you urinate in my humidifier?

I don't think so,

but I might have by mistake.

-Come on, man!

-That's disgusting, dude.

You gotta quit it with the pranks, bud.

Okay? You've got to quit it.

I can't even relax in my own home

'cause I'm always looking for something.

Would you like it

if I urinated in your water pistol, hmm?

And then squirted you in the face with it?

Mardy, he's eight!

He was trying to be funny!

[chuckles nervously] I know. So was I.

That's all, you know.

Aiden, you know your stepdaddy

was just trying to make a funny, too.

Whatever.

Dude, your dad just backed down

to an eight-year-old.

-You really think he'd kick Wayne's ass?

-Yes.

Dad, if you got into a fight

with Ben's dad,

you would totally mop the floor with him.

Why would I wanna fight Ben's dad?

I would never wanna do that.

I think you'd lose.

Yeah, all right, let's, you know...

You need two hands to open a fridge.

[chuckling]

Well, that's not... I mean,

it's a very strong suction

on a fridge, bud. Okay?

And so, that's how the door stays sealed

and the food stays cold.

I know what a fridge does.

Aiden, go brush your teeth,

and Mommy will be up in a minute.

I'm sleeping with Mom tonight.

Yeah, you should.

No, she's your mom.

[stutters] I'll take the pullout couch.

Good night, peanut.

Dad, tell them

about how you took out that flasher.

Oh, Larry, that was a long time ago.

What's this story? I want to hear.

All right, fine. Um...

I don't know when that was.

I think that was...

I don't know, maybe, that was when

you were in middle school, Larr, right?

You were in middle school,

and, uh, there was a communal terror

that was roaming the streets.

The Flasher of Fitzpatrick Park.

Now, this guy would hide

on Old River Road, right?

And he would jump out of the bushes

and dingle his very,

very oversized scrotum

at any car that he thought

had a woman in it, okay?

Well, now let's just say,

he flashed the wrong Miata that day.

[Larry chuckles]

So, he thought you were a woman?

'Cause you were driving a Miata.

No. I mean, the body style of Miata

is not the most masculine,

but it's very unisex.

I think everybody can agree on that.

-So, I don't know why he got confused.

-[Krystal] Mmm.

We just told you.

Anyway, I pulled over.

I got out of my car

and I punched him straight in the nose.

Knocked him out for the ten count.

He was never to flash again.

Boom! See? So, you would win, right?

Well, I wasn't exactly saying that.

Come on, Mardy. I won't

get my feelings hurt, say it.

Well, yes, I would take him down. Hard.

Of course I'd kick his ass.

Who is his dad again?

Uh, Mardy. With a "D." Mardy.

-Mardy with a "D"? Okay, I'm scared.

-He lives in that white house on Maple.

It doesn't ring a bell,

but he sounds like a p*ssy.

Well, both him and Larry think he'd win.

I'm sorry?

No, don't make this a whole thing, please.

It's very interesting.

Who do you think would win in a fight?

Well, um, he's a lot bigger than you.

Uh, he'd be sober, which is a huge plus.

Um, I think it'd be close,

but I think you would win.

Close?

Yeah.

Ben, you don't think I can do anything,

do you?

What are you talking about?

I just said I think you would win.

-Well, you said it would be close.

-Yeah!

Have you gone mad?

Do you know how many fights I've been in?

I don't know, 1,000?

I've been in six.

Seven, if you count that little dust-up

I had at the used car lot last summer.

Are you talking about the time

you got knocked out

by that inflatable dancing thing?

I didn't know what that f***ing thing was,

but I stood my ground and we went at it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, take that away. Six solid fights.

Three and three.

Your record is three and three?

-That's good.

-All right. Good.

-Do you want me to fight him?

-No,

I do not want you

to fight my friend's dad.

You brought it up.

This seems important to you.

-It's not.

-It's a non-issue to me.

You think it'd be close.

I'll smack this guy around.

-No.

-I don't have to.

It's fine with me either way.

I'm not gonna let it ruin my day.

Okay. Good. Don't. Don't let it ruin it.

I gotta pick up some Postmates.

-These are for you. Enjoy the Q-tips.

-Yeah, have fun.

Mardy with a f***ing "D."

How about I knock him out with a "K," huh?

Postmating for a girl. That's a new one.

It's the 21st century, man.

Get used to it.

-[Larry] Ah.

-[upbeat music playing on car radio]

All right, good luck.

Just don't be yourself.

PJ? You do Postmates?

Yeah. I got fired from the bait shop

for stealing worms.

You drove past your own apartment?

I was following the GPS, man.

Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, dude,

but I only ordered Postmates

so I can see Meredith.

Uh, can you please return this?

I can't afford any of this, so...

No, man. I really can't do that.

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