Father of the Year Page #3

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You already purchased it when you ordered.

You could file a complaint,

but that would reflect poorly on me.

So, like, please don't do it, dude.

Just enjoy that orange chicken, b*tch.

F***!

-Here's your pack of gum.

-Thank you.

Don't spoil your appetite.

Here you go.

I got it started for you.

Whoa! Meredith? Oh, my gosh!

So this is crazy. What are the odds?

Uh, one in nine.

You've used Postmates nine times today.

I saw it on the app. Hi, Larry.

Meredith. Hi.

-Wait, your name's Larry?

-Yeah.

My brother's name's Larry.

-Let's not talk about that.

-Okay.

Hey, so, by the way, the other night,

you gave me a couple of numbers.

I think you left out eight or so.

Not that I'm aware of.

-No?

-Nah.

Well, here's an idea.

I'll give you my phone

and then I will call me sometime.

Okay.

Cool.

[car engine starts]

I need my phone!

I'm not that badass

-to pull something off like that.

-I know.

Hey, seriously though,

can I please get your number?

Ben, I'm not gonna be your hometown fling.

But good luck in New York.

All right. Cool. Thank you.

I'll see you around.

Hi, this is Meredith.

So, you just gave me your phone,

trying to be all cool, which you're not.

Guaranteed you're going to panic

and come back for it.

Oh, my God, here you are now.

What... Is that a waddle?

Oh, God.

Dude, are your legs different lengths?

Oh.

It's kind of cute, I gotta admit.

Calm down.

It's a non-issue.

My kid's lost all f***ing faith in me!

Nice night.

F***!

[Larry] You and your gang

just beat up minorities,

and your gang leader says,

"There's even more down the street!"

That's not what we do.

Three, two, one! Go, go, go!

[all] Oh!

-[Nathan] Ow!

-[cell phone rings]

-You're definitely getting somewhere.

-Well, somewhere.

-Hey.

-Benjamin, this is your father.

I got the local weather report.

There's a storm brewing on Maple Street.

Dad, please, no.

Oh, sh*t, dude.

My dad's at your dad's house.

Let's ride!

-[Larry] Oh!

-[Ben] Oh, sh*t.

You guys go ahead. I'll pour water

down his throat until he wakes up.

Great idea. I'll drive.

Oh. You did so good.

If only you could have seen yourself.

Does this look like

an eight-year-old made it?

Well, uh, I mean,

I would say a gifted eight-year-old.

When I was eight, I was fascinated

by the reverse osmosis process.

Well, you were a freak!

How long did this take you?

Um, I mean, a little under two weeks,

you know. Probably 36 man-hours.

I mean, I was just trying to help.

Well, his teacher knew you did it,

and now we're those people.

What, the people that get involved

with their children?

I'm proud to be one of those.

He has to redo the assignment!

You owe him an apology, Mardy.

God... damn it, Aiden!

[doorbell rings]

-[Wayne] Ah.

-[Mardy] Ow.

Well, aren't you dressed

like the substitute teacher.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm father... Wayne.

Uh, from Saint Catherine's?

No, I'm Wayne, the father.

The father?

Ben.

-Oh, Ben's father! Yes, of course.

-F***.

Nice to see you. What's doing?

I'm here to settle this debate

our kids are having.

What's that? What's the debate?

About which one of us

would win in a fight.

[chuckles] Right.

I'm sorry. You want to fight me?

Nah, I don't really,

but I feel like it's best if I did.

I don't know if you know,

my kid f***ing hates my guts!

I think there's been

some misunderstanding.

I would never fight you.

Eh, what's the big deal?

Don't be a f***in' puss.

Fight today, friends tomorrow.

Winner buys the loser a brew.

Dad, stop! Whatever you're about to do,

please don't.

All hail the valit... valitorian is here.

Mr. O'Malley, we were messing around.

We don't really care about

you guys fighting.

I think you do.

And we're gonna do this right now.

You got five seconds to swing at me first.

-No, I said I don't-- [screams]

-Five, four, three, two--

-And the gazelle flees.

-Dad!

[Mardy whimpering]

-Ow!

-Whoa!

This isn't funny anymore!

What's your problem, guy?

Dad, Dad, please don't do this.

You're drunk.

-You know what? You're right. Come here!

-[Mardy] You're a lunatic!

-[Mardy] You psycho!

-I've never seen my dad move that fast.

Aiden! Shelter in place!

[Wayne] Come on!

-Oh, Christ!

-Krystal, call the police!

You gotta calm down, Mardy.

You're setting a bad example for the kids.

[Mardy gasping]

Oh, sh*t!

[Mardy panting]

Damn you, chicken sh*t!

Oh, no.

[groans]

[Wayne] Oh, I got you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Dad!

F***.

Look, the police have been called.

This is private property.

It reminds me of a story

I used to tell Benny boy.

Green Eggs and Ham.

I will beat you on the street,

I will beat you with my mouse dick.

-[Ben] Dad!

-F***! What is it?

-Get down here, this is f***ing insane.

-F***, he's coming. Here we go!

-Dad, stop!

-He's psycho!

[both yelling]

[groaning]

[Wayne] Where is that motherf***er?

[grumbles]

[grunting]

Oh, hey.

Oh, f***, are we in jail?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Dad, you tried to beat up

Larry's dad last night.

Which one's Larry's dad?

Are you f***ing serious?

I blacked out. I'm sorry.

I have a low tolerance.

You know, with your one phone call

last night, you called me?

Oh, that actually makes sense,

'cause you're my emergency contact.

Eh, come on, this ain't so bad.

Look, we get to hang a little bit

without your friend Larry around.

What's his angle anyway?

Ben O'Malley, Wayne O'Malley, follow me.

I bet my buddy Deon posted bail.

He's always coming through in a clutch.

No. I got it. I got us a bail bond.

And now I'm in debt, Dad. Thank you.

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that.

After a while, they stop keeping track.

What do you say we go hit the Wombat?

The Wombat's f***ing closed, Dad!

Get in. Sh*t.

-What was it like?

-What?

In the clink.

Did you drop my gang's name?

I'm not doing this, okay?

You wanna talk, you can get in the car.

I can't. I gotta practice!

-[tires screech]

-[cell phone ringing]

This is Ben.

Dude, who answers the phone like that?

[mumbles]

Hi, Ben. It's Ryan Jenkins

from ISG Energy Solutions.

Hi! Hi. How are you?

We got a Google alert this morning

about your arrest.

We have to terminate

your employment offer.

What?

We have a strict conduct policy.

I hope you understand.

I didn't do anything. It was my dad.

-Yeah, good luck.

-Please.

What happened?

They f***ing fired me.

Oh, sh*t.

Those f***ing bastards.

Hey, they're looking for somebody

at the bait shop

if you know how to sell worms.

I'm so screwed.

-I'm f***ing screwed.

-No, look.

You're all good.

We are going to fix this.

[sighs]

-[thudding]

-[groans]

Oh.

Let's just go. I'll come back

in a few hours. He'll still be there.

Later, Nathan.

You know, it was very expensive.

I can only imagine. I am so sorry.

But I was getting rid of it anyway.

Oh, that's perfect.

Do you think you'd be willing

to drop the charges,

since Ben kind of did the demo for you?

I've been wanting a pool for my grandkids.

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