Father of the Year Page #4

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You get me a pool, I'll drop the charges.

That's a great idea.

I'm sorry.

I don't have that kind of money.

No, I want you to build it!

How about a birdbath?

Ben could build you a birdbath.

Why? I don't have any f***ing birds.

I'm sorry, but I really don't think

I'll be able to build a swimming pool.

I don't know where to start.

Honestly, I don't think anybody

really knows how to build a swimming pool.

If anyone could figure it out,

it's Ben though.

-You just shut up?

-PJ!

It's okay, don't worry about it.

Enjoy your summer.

So you'll drop the charges?

No, I don't think so.

Okay. A pool it is.

That's what we'll do.

Ah, my grandchildren will be thrilled!

Eh, you just dig a f***in' hole

and fill it with water.

Right? Easy enough.

It's gonna be good, dude.

I'm stoked about it.

Can it wait a few minutes?

What is this weird voice

you're doing, Dad?

You sound like a guidance counselor.

Why are you gulping?

All right, all right.

I will see you in an hour. Bye.

I'd help with the pool, but I don't think

our visions are the same, man.

We'd probably butt heads.

Don't sweat it, man.

F***! It's Meredith.

What is she doing here?

This is her dad's store.

How did you not know that?

Oh, sh*t, man. I can't tell her

I got arrested and f***ing fired.

Now I'm building a pool.

So don't tell her.

But she'll see me

holding the shovel, Larry.

That connects to you getting arrested?

Connects to me

building the pool, a**holes.

There's no way.

Just say you have a shovel.

Shut up, Dynamite.

Oh, f***, dude.

I'm not a good liar.

You guys cover for me. Take it.

-What?

-Take it!

-Are you serious?

-What?

Oh, come...

-Hey, guys.

-[PJ] What? Meredith?

-Whoa.

-Hey. So you just shoveling some sh*t?

Oh, no. Just getting a head start

on digging my dad's grave.

Oh.

Hey, uh, how's your boyfriend Ben doing?

Doing great. Killing it.

Yeah, he's in New York.

Started his new job early.

Saving the planet, making good money.

That's great.

He just bought a Bugatti and a watch.

It's an expensive Bugatti

and an even more expensive watch.

He's got tons of women chasing him.

Tons. He's engaged.

Oh, really?

And she's Elijah Wood's cousin.

Yeah. So she's paying his rent.

What the f*** are you guys--

-Whoa!

-Holy sh*t.

Uh, what's up?

Uh, just this. Um...

How come you're not in New York?

Um...

I body slammed my dad

off a roof into a greenhouse.

And then they arrested us.

And then I lost my job.

Did you have to go to jail?

For a night.

That's kind of hot.

Yeah, isn't it?

I started selling cigarettes.

I had to stab a guy.

Okay, don't make up sh*t.

-It was hot before.

-Oh.

Hot enough to give me your number?

No. But hot enough to give you two more.

A five and a one.

He'll figure that out, man.

The valedi-torian knows every combination.

And, uh, just in case I can't,

I'll leave my number in the comment box.

So, look for the ones

with all the smiley faces on it.

You don't wanna leave your number here.

You f***ed this place up, dude.

That's a good point.

-Yeah.

-Let's go. [grunts]

Hello?

[Mardy] Yeah, we're up here.

In Aiden's room.

-Well, your... The boys' room.

You know, the first door on the right.

He's wearing my jersey.

What happened to my pictures?

Aiden doesn't like you staring at him

while he's trying to sleep.

You gotta be shitting me.

What does "sh*t" mean, Mommy?

Oh, f*** that, man!

He knows what "sh*t" means.

-Larry!

-What?

He's probably got

30 different words for "twat."

That one I don't know.

That attitude is exactly why you're here.

We're having an intervention

because we love you,

but we're also very concerned.

Please, have a seat.

[scoffs] Oh, this is ridiculous.

No, it's not.

Larry, we can all see

you're off right now.

I've been off myself, too.

After Aiden's dad got out of jail...

He's out of jail?

I lashed out. I made some questionable

investments with your father's money.

It affected the whole family.

Your father got back on caffeine.

You know what happens

when I have too much energy.

It was hard for us.

But I still remained loving.

Your actions seem to be coming

from a dark place.

This isn't my fault.

Larry, you provoked a mad man

into trying to fight me.

No, I didn't.

You need to start taking responsibility

for your actions, okay?

And it's time you start thinking

about your future.

I will, when I get to New York.

No, Ben is going to New York

for his career.

No one knows why you're going.

I mean, the whole neighborhood's confused.

You don't even have a job.

Exactly. You're just gonna be drifting

and floating and hanging out

with those Brooklyn crackhead hipsters.

Who also don't have jobs, only beards.

You need to get a life of your own.

I don't know what I want in my life.

I'm 22, Dad. I'm lost. Can you can give me

the weekend to figure it out?

Maybe you could do gay porn.

Aiden! Or maybe he could work

at the lab with you.

Well, now, I hadn't thought of that.

What a fantastic idea, Krystal.

Am I supposed to pretend

you guys didn't rehearse this?

So, it's settled.

You'll work with me in the lab tomorrow.

Then you'll stay at home

until you figure out

what to do with your life.

Great.

I taste piss. Aiden, do I taste piss?

I honestly don't remember.

Okay, it seems like you'd remember

if you whipped your penis out

and pissed in my cup.

Mmm, can't help you.

You may have noticed the transit

in some of our shots...

...laying out the pool.

-But the coating would finish...

-Jesus! What are you talking about?

...top of the gunite, which is the...

What the f*** is "gunite"?

...relative to the foundation

of the house.

So what we have is...

We have what's called the weep screed,

or a mud sill.

[sighs]

Ben! Did you wash your hands

after you used the restroom?

Always do.

This once was a mermaid.

Now it looks like Jay Leno.

I'm sorry.

I didn't see any other soap in there.

I thought I was supposed to use that one.

Should he ask next time?

Yes, he should, Paisley.

Stop taking so many dumps.

Okay.

Where's the pool?

Your church friend with the scumstache

said you built a pool.

This is it.

This is it? This grass?

This is far from being a f***ing pool.

Are you drinking?

Instant breakfast.

Listen, I feel terrible

about what happened with that gig,

you losing it. You need any help?

If I needed to fill balloons

with bad breath, you could help.

But I don't, so I'm good.

Remember how deep I dug that grave

for your guinea pig?

Made sure my snake

didn't have a second go at him.

Well, that sh*t's like

Flintstone boulders down there.

You need better equipment.

Yeah? You gonna give me the $800 I need?

I might... win up to 50 grand.

Oh, here we go. Cross your fingers.

Oh, f***! One away from a Diet Dr. Pepper.

That's how they get you.

You know what, Dad?

You can't f***ing help me. All right?

So you go do your thing. I'll be fine.

Goddamn!

I can't believe

making nipples soft is a job.

Ah. Yeah, well, the embarrassment

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