Father of the Year Page #5

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from inappropriate nipple reaction

is a real problem.

It can happen at inconvenient times.

Like, when you meet someone and you think

they're gonna look different,

but they're actually quite well-built.

You know, Mardy and Krystal

are always talking about you.

-Really?

-Yes!

They think you are very bright, Aiden.

I'm Larry.

Oh.

Oh.

They are so proud of you, too.

They are.

See how they have all your old pictures

up on the wall?

That's not me.

Glad he's so happy, though.

Never seen him smile so hard.

Thought he was a blind singer.

[both chuckle]

You know, to me,

legalization was a negative, man.

Half the fun of weed is knowing

I shouldn't be doing it. Am I right, bud?

Yeah, that's true.

Ah, sorry. I'm f***ing nervous.

What are they gonna do to us in there?

I don't know. It can't be dangerous

'cause if it was, they'd be paying us

more than $40.

Hey, 40's nothing to sneeze at.

I can't remember the last time

I had 40 cash on me.

[chuckles]

I'm trying to help out my kid.

He's in a bit of a jam.

Kids. Nine months of living in the mama,

the rest of their lives,

living off their papa.

Oh, sh*t, I've never heard that one!

[laughs]

Oh, I got a knee slapper for you.

These two black guys...

Wait a second. There's no black guys

in here, are there?

Gentlemen, follow me please.

I'll tell you the rest of that one later.

Time to go make some bread.

Oh, sh*t. Mr. O'Malley,

what are you doing here?

Oh, hello, Lawrence.

I'm here to get Ben out of the jam

that you instigated.

Ah, gentlemen, thank you so much

for coming. My name is Mardy Fischer.

Oh, my God.

You okay?

Uh...

What's going on?

Hello?

You don't remember him?

This guy?

What are you? Famous?

I... I don't... You don't?

No, I don't. I'm sorry.

Are you some big scientist

on the SyFy Channel or something?

So you don't recognize me at all?

No, I don't recognize you,

or I would have told you.

Is there a f***ing problem, dickface?

No. No problem at all.

No problem at all.

I will, uh, be with you all

in just one moment.

Yeah. Goddamn.

What the hell is going on?

He blacked out. He was drunk that night.

He's not drunk now, so everything's good.

F*** you.

He's a lot bigger than I remember.

Relax! Let's just get him

in and out of here.

Okay.

[sighs] Disgusting.

-Did you sh*t yourself again?

-A little bit.

Okay. Next person.

Now apply some more cream.

No, Larry. A liberal amount.

Yeah, really cover the nipple, okay?

The entire areola.

Dad, why can't they do this themselves?

What would be the fun in that?

Olivia, what are you doing in line?

Oh, uh, is there not enough cream?

Uh... sorry.

Let's go, lover boy.

Go slow, I got butterflies.

Oh.

Oh. Boing!

Okay, now the wind test.

No, no.

I need you to use your mouth.

Yeah.

You heard him.

Get down there.

[blowing]

Don't fall for me.

I'll break your heart.

F*** you.

Ow.

Okay, something's happening. All right.

It's burning. Is that normal?

Uh, are you allergic to anything?

No. Just herpes, I think.

What the...

This is starting to feel like

knives in there.

Like, it's poking. Like, it's burning.

What did you f***ing do to me? Ow.

They're f***ing burning like sh*t!

No one's helping!

What the f*** happened?

Get a fire extinguisher,

you doofy piece of sh*t!

I'll f***ing kill you! God damn it!

Somebody do something!

Get this sh*t off! F***!

[yelling]

It burns! Oh, f***! Help me, someone!

I'm on fire!

[Wayne] That's Larry's dad?

[Ben] Yes!

[Wayne] I'm going to fight him.

He gave me f***ing tits, dude!

They're not permanent, Dad.

A tit's a tit, Ben. And I got two of them.

On me. Part of me. Do you get it?

For guys to f*** and squeeze and whack on.

Don't let guys do that to you.

Here, just take some allergy medicine.

Give me this sh*t.

Just slow down. No.

Ugh!

They're still there! Sh*t.

Now I'm thinking about keeping 'em.

I don't know what to do, Ben.

Don't stare at me like that.

I'm still your father.

Hey, what were you doing

at that lab anyway?

You know what I'm doing there?

I'm trying to make some money

to buy you a jackhammer. There.

There's your check. Here you go.

[exhales sharply]

Wow, uh...

Well, okay. Thank you, thank you...

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, sure.

Can you give the old man a hug?

Would that kill you?

Yeah, sure.

Here ya go, buddy. Come here. Come here.

What? Why are you so rigid when I hug you?

Your b*obs are pressed up against me, Dad.

It's really weird.

-You got a boner? I'm your father.

-No. Dad!

Okay. I gotta go. Just stay there

and don't fight Larry's dad.

You're a f***ing bore.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[shushes]

Okay.

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes]

Psycho.

Why... did you f***ing do this to me?

God damn it.

Come on!

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

[yelps]

F***!

I think you're supposed to pour

the concrete in

before you fill it with water.

This is impossible.

There's f***ing rocks and roots

and dead mailmen everywhere.

Well, you need one of these.

Wow.

Thank you. But no, I...

I don't have the kind of money for that.

Just buy me a drink. We'll call it even.

I don't really have the kind of money

for that either.

Oh, Benjamin. [sighs]

You've got to get your life together.

So, you're here for good, huh?

Uh, at least until I finish

my accounting degree.

I'm gonna help my dad franchise the store.

-Oh, wow. That's really cool.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to help him retire

at some point. But I like it here.

Yeah, it's funny.

I've lived here my whole life

and I never came to this pond.

You gotta be a tourist

in your own town sometimes.

Yeah, right?

I was so focused on getting good grades,

so that I could get out,

that I never did anything fun.

I didn't go to prom.

You didn't go to prom? What a loser!

No, I went, but I got too drunk.

[giggles] I threw up in the bushes

and they wouldn't let me in.

Oh, I totally remember that.

Oh.

I've done everything else

you're supposed to do in high school.

I jumped off Fitzy's Ledge.

I went skinny-dipping at Livingston.

Oh, I was way too shy

to go skinny-dipping.

You've never gone skinny-dipping?

I'm very insecure.

I can't believe you.

That's the classic high school trope.

-Yeah, well...

-We're going right now.

No, come on. No.

Get ready, buddy.

Okay. Those are way nicer than my dad's.

Thanks.

[exhales heavily]

Yep.

Go slow.

Oh, hey, Ben. I think there's an acorn

caught in your pubes.

Oh, shut up.

Well, I said skinny-dipping,

not mini-dipping.

Okay, I'm gonna cover up.

You probably don't need the

whole box. You could just use the nozzle.

It is so unfair that you

can make fun of my body

and I can't make fun of yours.

I'm just joking.

You have a very nice-looking penis.

It's very, um, approachable.

Approachable?

Yeah, really, like a friendly little guy.

Little guy? Okay. All right.

Ooh.

[sighs] Pretty nice in here, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, this feels awesome.

Hey, you wanna re-enact our first kiss?

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