Father of the Year Page #6

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You know, see if I got any better?

You're not supposed to ask a girl

if you can kiss her. You just do it.

I knew that. I knew that.

Oh! [coughing]

Wow!

That was even more awkward

than sixth grade.

You don't like awkward? I love awkward.

It's sexy.

[screams]

What?

Um, uh, something just touched my leg.

Something just touched my leg.

Aw, is a little fishy bothering you?

[screaming] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What? Are you just gonna leave me?

Uh, no. I'm just...

Over here, over here.

-I'm getting him to come to me.

-Oh, my... Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, God! Something is sucking on my leg.

-Oh--

-Sucking on your leg?

[screaming] God! Oh, my God!

I don't wanna die!

[cell phone chimes]

3:
01 a.m.

Hey, dude.

Just telling you the titties are gone.

So all is forgiven.

Fun while it lasted.

I took some pics.

Non-issue.

Mardy, come on,

we have to get to Aiden's pottery class.

Okay, yeah, I'm just checking my messages.

I'll be right there, okay?

3:
04 a.m.

Quick update.

Titties are gone and I'm gonna kill you.

Let's go, Mardy.

I don't want him to be the late kid.

I know. I'm coming.

Does he have to come?

3:
07 a.m.

Hey, Deon, it's Friday night.

I wanna f*** with this guy real bad.

Do you have access to any diseases?

Maybe something airborne?

Also, I sent you some tit pics.

I know you're a boob guy.

Uh, you know what, guys? Go ahead.

[stutters] I've developed some cramps

and a headache.

So, I'll meet you there.

You let a tadpole get in

the way of you making out with Meredith?

No, dude. It wasn't a f***ing tadpole.

It was like a water moccasin or like a...

I don't know, a shark or something.

But there's no sharks in that pond.

I guarantee you

it was a beer can or a shoe.

Hey, Ben. Who's your little helper?

It's me, Larry, Ms. Franklin.

Larry?

Yeah, from next door.

I was here the other day.

Oh, Larry-Larry!

Oh, my! I didn't recognize you

with your shirt off.

Oh, yeah. It's me.

So you're grown up. Oh, boy!

I remember when you used to be young.

That's so funny! [laughs]

Yeah.

In the summer, you used to play

in the plastic kiddie pool

in just your underpants.

Yes, no trunks necessary.

Indeed. And now look at you.

Life's marching on.

Except you are looking younger

and that's just not making any sense.

[laughing]

[coughing]

Oh, that's funny.

My late husband was funny, too.

So you're here for summer,

then it's back to school?

Ooh, no, no. School's done.

I'm officially an adult now.

Yeah, I see that! An adult.18, right?

Uh, 22 actually.

22, is it? 22.

Oh, all summer long with the shirt off.

I can tell him to put his shirt back on,

so you can recognize him, Ms. Franklin.

Get back to work, Ben.

And put your shirt on!

I don't need you calling in sick

with a sunburn.

What is he doing?

He's been acting so weird lately.

I'm gonna follow him.

He's been a dick to you lately.

Just let him deal with his own sh*t.

He's still my dad.

[cell phone chimes]

Welcome to the 18th Annual

Deerfield Wife Carrying Competition.

Now remember,

the husband must carry the wife

throughout the entire duration

of the course.

-Should a fall occur...

-Wayne O'Malley?

Oh, hey, Geoff.

That's the guy who got fired

from the go-kart track

for telling a Chinese joke

to a Chinese guy.

Well, you see, I have this disability...

You don't gotta remind us, Wayne.

We can all tell you're disabled.

[people laughing]

Hey, where's your wife?

She passed away.

The funeral was this morning.

And you're here?

It was her dying wish.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't think two guys

should be allowed to race. It's unfair.

We're an open-minded organization

here, Geoff.

We don't need to end up

on the news later for discrimination.

So shut the f*** up!

Yeah, whatev. It ain't gonna matter.

You know what? Stick around after,

maybe I'll let you take a picture

of my trophy and my taint. [scoffs]

F*** that guy. What a dick.

Let's kick his ass.

Okay, everyone.

It's time to mount your spouse!

Bend over.

Why do you get to be the wife?

Ben, I had tits a week ago.

Yeah, okay.

There we go, bud.

[grunts]

-[gun fires]

-[farts]

-Damn it, Dad!

-That gun startled me. Just go! Go!

Come on, baby. We got this.

[yelps] F***! Tight squeeze.

-Let me get on your back!

-Yep!

Oh, now we're cooking with gas!

[man] Come on! Will you pretend to try?

[spectators laughing and cheering]

[cheers]

Oh, man.

[grunts]

[woman grunts]

Ow! You cheater!

I ain't letting some

trailer trash scumbag beat me.

You live in a trailer, too!

Yeah, but mine's a double-wide!

You know what?

Screw this, I'm taking over.

[panting]

F*** you, Geoff! Your wife's only a nine!

Your wife's f***ing dead!

[all cheering]

[Ben] We won!

You know, when I woke up this morning,

in my bathtub,

it felt like every other day.

I didn't know at the end of it

I'd be covered in glory.

[laughs] Yeah!

I gotta thank my wife for dying.

And giving the opportunity for me

to run this race with my boy, Benny.

And, Geoff, for the record,

that guy was Korean, not Chinese.

You're a f***in' racist.

[man on TV] Okay, let's do some

jab-cross, jab-cross, go!

That's it! Little more power! Come on!

Good, good, good, go!

Good. Oh, oh! Gotta keep your hands up.

Good. Good. Go.

-[Mardy grunts]

-[instructor] Do it again.

Come on! All right.

Good, go!

-Do a roundhouse kick. No, no...

-[knock at door]

Dad, it's Larry.

Bring your knee up and--

Get in, quick.

-How did you find me?

-Olivia told me.

What? I can't believe

she would betray me like that.

What's going on?

Wayne has left me dozens

of threatening voice messages.

And I don't want to put Krystal

and poor, sweet, gorgeous little Aiden

in danger.

Okay, so just go kick his ass, Dad.

Like you did to that flasher.

I can't... I...

It's not the same.

Why?

I've never told anyone this, Larry.

[sighs]

When I got out of the car

to stop the flasher,

he shoved me to the ground,

and then wrapped his big thighs

around my neck,

and he proceeded to squeeze

until I lost consciousness.

And when I came to, there was a scrotum...

sort of draped across my nose.

Almost sliding down into my mouth.

But that was just the beginning.

[woman screams]

Oh, there it is.

He made me drive him around so that

he could flash people from my sunroof.

-[woman screams]

-Sorry.

I became his accomplice,

his accessory to flashing.

I drove what felt like forever.

I mean, I used a tank and a half of gas.

[lady] What the f***?

In hindsight, I guess I could have

probably driven away at that point.

Yeah, okay. Can't wait.

It was like he was trying to set

a flashing record,

beat his own high score.

Breathe. Just breathe, Mardy.

Probably would have gone on forever,

had it not been for Paul Bunyan.

Oh. Jesus!

That's how he got knocked out.

I've never fought anyone, Larry.

That's a f***ed-up story.

Okay, don't swear around Aiden.

Aiden's not here, Dad.

Oh.

You could have told me the truth.

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