Father of the Year Page #7

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I'm sorry. I was embarrassed, you know.

What would you expect?

I'm not a Navy SEAL. I run a lab.

Speaking of that,

I don't wanna do the science thing, Dad.

I know, I can tell.

I just want you to find

what makes you happy.

I want you to know

that I will support you

in whatever you decide to do.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, yeah.

You all right?

I forgot my Lorazepam at home.

So just go back and get it.

I can't. I told Krystal and Aiden

I was at an emergency conference.

And my doctor's out of town.

I've left three messages. I just...

All right.

Well, let's go see my friend Trey.

He's kind of a part-time pharmacist. So...

-Oh, that would be fantastic.

-Yeah.

-[Ben chuckles]

-[Wayne grunts]

Sweeter than the Stanley Cup.

[chuckles softly]

Hey, thanks for inviting me.

This is really fun.

It's my absolute pleasure, Benzo.

Now, talk to me.

Tell me everything about your life.

I don't wanna hear about

f***ing New York City again, all right?

Got any tuna on the hook?

-Yeah, yeah, I do right now.

-Okay. Here we go. Go on.

-I really like her.

-Okay.

I'm pulling a big move tonight.

She didn't get to go to her prom,

so I'm gonna sneak us both into Webster's.

-Oh, that's pretty suave, Benzo.

-I thought so, too.

-You know, there's gonna be dancing?

-Mmm-hmm.

Dancing gets awkward, it always does.

Try this.

You take your middle fingers

when you're slow dancin',

and you run 'em down

the back of her dress,

and you leave 'em on her back dimples.

Don't smash 'em around, don't squeeze 'em,

just leave 'em there.

She'll be yours.

That's the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard.

Both chicks I've been with,

it's 'cause of that move.

You've only been with two women?

I've only tried twice.

I'm two for two. I'm battin' 100.

Don't you ever wanna have sex?

F*** you, dude. Two is pretty high.

[Mardy] Uh...

-Should we try?

-Dad, Dad, don't...

-[Larry sighs]

-Fun apartment.

Larry Fischer.

If I champion,

you is the number one contender!

It's good to have you back

in the 603, my brother.

It is good to be back.

How you been?

Shh. Man, I'm good, you know, real good.

Just rappin', dealin',

doing three shifts a week

down at Bunny's Mini Mart.

Straight up entrepreneurin' that sh*t.

So, Larry tells me you stressin'.

I...

Just...

-It's okay.

-Yeah, just tell him.

Okay. Yeah. I'm stressing hard.

A lot. I normally take Lorazepam.

I have a prescription,

so it's completely legal.

Calm down, New Balance. I got you.

[sighs] You're a lifesaver.

I really appreciate this.

I'll finally get a good night's sleep,

so I thank you.

Sleep?

No, man, you ain't gonna be sleeping.

This sh*t, you might not even blink.

What did I take? What's going on?

There's that M to the D to the M to the A

What? Methylenedioxymethamphetamine?

I don't know. That sh*t's Molly.

You son of a b*tch.

-What the f***!

-[Mardy] F***!

I told you to give him something

to get rid of his anxiety!

That's what I gave him!

That sh*t will straight-up turn

your dark clouds

into clear skies with rainbows.

I feel like it's kicking in.

I feel like I'm effed-up!

-No way it's kicking in that fast.

-Just stop worrying.

I'm not gonna make you do it alone.

Give me one.

It's free, 'cause you're my boy.

What are you doing? Don't do drugs.

[Trey] Whoa!

Your pops is creatin' some

unwanted attention around the biz.

Why don't we chill inside

for a second, okay?

I'mma play you guys a track.

It's gonna put your entire lives

in perspective.

Seriously though,

we gotta keep it down, okay?

My mom and pops is being audited,

so the whole house is, like,

super tense now.

Let's go. Down. Why you struggling, man?

Get down there.

[Mardy] I don't wanna go down, Larry.

[Trey] Legs are lockin' up.

God!

Here we are.

I was gonna cover your eyes

to surprise you,

but you were driving.

Are you taking me to prom?

Yeah, I was gonna take

Elijah Wood's cousin,

but she bailed on me,

so you were my next call.

[chuckles] Okay. This is awesome.

Now, we just gotta pick up our tickets.

-A-ha.

-Oh.

One minute.

Okay. And...

they're breathing.

-That's good.

-Okay.

Remember, no means no, okay?

Ben O'Malley?

Yeah?

You're still dating high school girls?

No. Well, yes, I am.

She's about to graduate.

No, I know you.

I kicked you out of prom four years ago.

You just kept yelling, "Seniors rule"

while you were laid out in that bush

soiling yourself, stinking up the place.

I think the most embarrassing part

is I was yelling, "Seniors rule."

[chuckles]

So, let me get this straight.

You wanna take this young lady

into our prom

to make up for the one she ruined

four years ago?

Yeah.

Aw. That's actually kind of cute.

I thought so, too.

You know what won't be cute?

When I get hauled in front of a grand jury

for letting two disturbed 20-somethings

into an event

with 300 vulnerable children.

I coach golf, soccer, tennis,

skiing, badminton, debate.

I took the entire school

to build a barn last summer!

I didn't even use a ruler.

I did that!

This school can't lose me, all right?

So I'm gonna need the two of you

to get the f*** out of here!

-Okay, let's go. Let's go.

-Little millennial sh*t!

God!

You guys goin' in there?

Can you bring me some snacks?

I'd love a slider.

[music playing faintly from prom]

This sucks. I'm sorry.

Don't worry,

I've set my expectations low for you.

You're actually exceeding them.

Nice.

-Ooh.

-Ooh. [chuckles softly]

Oh. [giggles]

[rapping] I'm sick of these same walls

And the same ceiling

I know you know the feelin'

Takes one to know one

But we's liable to beast the East

And then we head to the West

And he's the best

[exhales deeply]

-Oh, my God.

-[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

I mean, so good. It's so good.

Your lyrics and your timing...

That is what I've been saying!

That was astounding, Trey.

I've never known a boy like you before.

Dude, I'm a soldier.

[imitates machine gun]

Oh. What?

Trey, your laundry...

What?

It looks so freaking cute

and cozy and comfortable.

Do you mind if I dive in?

Damn right I do.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

The textures. Oh, the aromas.

You need to get the f*** out

of my dirty clothes, right now.

Yeah, Dad, I'm coming in.

[groans]

Trey, take off your clothes.

We need more laundry.

You need to shut up.

You're gonna wake up my parents.

What? No! No!

You need to take off your clothes

because we need more laundry!

-That's it. Get out.

-[Mardy] No!

-Get the f*** out!

-No, I don't...

Ooh-ooh. Okay, we'll get out. But first,

your beard,

you need to scratch our backs with it.

Yo, your father is f***ed up!

Get your beard on my back now.

-Shut up, be quiet.

-Please, Trey.

-I'm gonna kill you.

-No!

I can't be quiet. I can't!

Please, put your beard on my back!

I'm itchy!

-All right!

-Help me be quiet!

-Just roll up and lift your damn shirts.

-Okay.

[Mardy grunting]

Ugh. You guys got issues.

[Mr. Patterson]

Trey! I told you no friends over!

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